Sunday, February 18, 2007

Crashing Down... in a puddle, of all things.

For the better part of the evening, I felt free.

I knew I would see someone tonight that hurt me. I would once again come face to face with a person who promised many things to me and didn't follow through. I knew this friend would be at a get together tonight.

So I mentally and emotionally prepared myself - something I'd been unable to do previously because the encounters were chance. The preparation helped - I told myself I would not let it affect me like the previous times. I would not allow my night to be ruined this time.

And things were fine. We were having a great time; rhere was laughter, joy, ease, love, fun. My heart was light. It was good, it was all good... until about 11:45pm, when the person who hurt me more than any other person has said to a very close friend of mine, "You should come over sometime."

Is this stupid? The person who disappeared from my life when I needed my best friend the most is inviting my close friend over to place I haven't been invited over to see. And this was done right in front of me. Tonight, in the darkness that is 12:45pm, it feels wrong to me. Not because I'm jealous of their friendship. Why should I be? But because I feel as though I should be invited. To me it felt thoughtless and rude. My heart sank because I was not included in the invitation.

Whoa. That word "included" just hit me like I Mack truck.

I need to think about this for a while. Is it really just about not being included? That sounds so small. So petty. So sad and pathetic.

For me it all goes back to the why question. I don't have the answer as to why things turned out the way they did. In the past, it's always been my fault. Always. So it's pretty safe for me to assume it is this time. But I don't know why.


Was the disappearance intentional?

Was it something I said or did?

Did they mean more to me than I meant to them?


The questions came in torrent and my anger nearly welled-up. The chains were back. My night ruined. All the positive I built up in my heart came crashing down in a landslide of hurt. The hope that I had the ability to let go of this and move on was suddenly lying in a puddle all around me.

So after the invitation, I felt it hang in the air over my head. I continued dealing the cards (not metaphorically... we were playing Pitch.) and I remembered my cell phone screen saver, which is one simple word.

Forgive

But I want my friend to know how much I hurt. I want to be ackowledged for being the better person. I don't want to let someone get off scott-free (where did that expression come from?) while I sit quietly in the corner. I feel as though I deserve justice. And I just can't get over that.


I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, maybe the landslide will bring it down


I just want the freedom back. Please, God, no more landslides.

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