never been here before

I had stopped at a cute display of wine-themed gifts when it happened. As I stared at the mustache-shaped drink marker, I felt it. The pieces all tumbled out from my core and landed on the floor. They scattered all around me. I made a fist with my left hand and pressed it up against the hole that was left in my chest, and tears gathered at my bottom lids, then quietly and carefully dropped onto my cheeks. I felt my shoulders rise and fall, with deep breaths attached. Not again , I whispered to myself. I actually began to wonder how there was any way I still had tears left. I looked down at all the pieces, unsure of what to do. They lay there, to my left. My shopping cart to the right. I gently leaned over and began to scoop them up. A woman stepped around me. “Excuse me,” she said, and I barely glanced up as the shame overcame me and the tears continued to fall. I stood up and wondered where I was supposed to put the pieces I had gathered, and  realized these...

I find myself checking my phone a lot lately. My email. My phone log, my text messages. Every few minutes. Just in case I missed it. I have a hard time leaving those I love. I even tend to hang on and stay long past the expiration date. It’s funny, though, but I generally don’t see myself as a hopeful person. But hope is the only thing that keeps me from leaving. Hope is holding me captive. This seems like this should be a good thing, no? Not if it’s false hope. Then my heart will just continue to break and I will waste my time, energy and most of, my love… on this “hope.” Walking away is hard. Because when someone has crawled into your heart (and in my case, they normally fight like hell to get there) it's very near impossible to let them go. There are very few people in my life who I consider close friends, and even fewer I count as those who get me. I don't have the emotional energy to spend on frivolous small talk, because I seek deeper connections ...

Say something I’m giving up on you. Because I am. I tried to hang on. Short of showing up on your doorstep in tears, I gave you more than enough opportunities to notice. To notice what I was going through. To notice how much I need you. Anywhere I would’ve followed you Actually, no. I didn’t just give you opportunities to notice. I straight up said, “I need you.” This wasn’t just some expectation I had for you to “notice.” I’m still learning to love. I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. And neither of us has to be. It’s also a lovely reminder than we are both starting from the same place. Say something I’m giving up on you. It’s not my nature to give up. I’m a fighter. Always have been. When I know someone who wants to can be better and it matters , I fight to see them become better. I walk beside them, challenge them, love them through it. But when they don’t notice either you or what you’re doing… Or notice you and what you are needed from them, it ...

Loss. It’s a word that provokes a lot of emotion. The loss can progress over time, but can also decrease over time. What kind of crazy-ass supernatural kind of emotion does that? Loss does. Sometimes loss is inevitable. Sometimes we’ve seen the writing on the wall for a while; perhaps the roller-coaster of the experience hardly made the loss a surprise. But you’re still riding on that roller coaster. This means there are ups and downs, terrifying moments of scream-filled terror and also let-go kind of joy-filled moments that set you free. Loss does this. It’s CRAZY. I’m facing a few losses right now. But there is a pretty big one in the midst of several tiny ones and I normally would be absolutely wrecked about this. But I am not. (And it’s freaking me out. Hahaha. The humor is not lost on me.) Part of me hopes my calm demeanor over this loss is simply God’s graciousness to me. Oh, please, let that be the case. But another part of me is wondering...

I looked down at my phone and sighed the biggest sigh in the history of the world. Yeah, ok. I might be exaggerating. But that’s how I felt this morning. They say that habits form with repetitive choices and positive reinforcement. Well, I was used to getting a text message from a friend. Nearly every morning for the past few years I would get some hilarious or crazy text from a friend. Usually about nothing important. Something stupid that happened at Starbucks or at work. Something on the internet that was crazy. A song that made them feel. Something that would make me laugh. That changed a few weeks ago. Thus my sigh. Old habits die hard. I miss the texts. The stories. The laughter. The conversation. And now I have to start my day boring. Boo. It’s amazing how a person can come into your life and crawl right into your heart and come to mean something so much to you in a short period of time. It’s amazing the hole they leave when they go. I don’t like ...

  As part of a new series I’m starting on expectations, one of the most unexplored places for me is disappointment. Understanding it, exploring it, and “sitting in the emotion” of disappointment and really letting yourself FEEL it. One of the reasons I see this as being so important, though it can be painful to experience, is that I believe we can learn a great deal about ourselves if we choose to listen to what we are feeling. This is not about wallowing (I’ve been a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps kind of girl my whole life, so ain’t nobody got time for that) but about exploring. Exploring the desires, wants, hurts and needs that are all wrapped up into expectations. I remember sitting on a couch, facing my counselor, a week after a big breakthrough for me. She was asking the typical follow-up questions, and I was feeling fairly content. The breakthrough powerful and good; I’d finally connected two dots that desperately needed to be connected in my life and I w...

Unless you are living under a rock, you probably went to go see Saving Mr. Banks  in the last few weeks. I was glad to be warned ahead of time that this was not a sweet and happy film about the making of a sweet and happy film I remember from my childhood. I was told it was long, sad, the main character was an awful human being and was told to bring tissues. I’ve decided I prefer being mentally prepared like that, because I liked the movie, and I’m convinced it’s because I knew what I was getting myself into when I walked into the theater. So I was able to look closer, which is one of my favorite things to do at the movies, and find beauty in the mess. This time, though, I feel like it created a mess in my life. But I’m thinking it’s a mess that needed to be created. When Walt flies to Europe at the end to see Mrs. Travers, he says to her, “You came to Hollywood expecting that I would disappoint you. And so I did.” This was my biggest takeaway. I haven’t stopped thinki...

I discovered this talk a couple of years ago and I watch it pretty regularly. Each time I take away something different. Which I both love and hate.  “There is only one variable that separated the people who have a sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it and that was that people who have a sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging… the one thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we are not worthy of connection.” What then, are we to do, when someone we desire a connection with doesn’t reciprocate? How do we NOT withdraw again, how do we believe that we are worth connecting with? “We must be willing to invest in relationships that may or may not work out…” “…to let ourselves be seen” These may be my two greatest fears. I am willing to be excruciatingly vulnerable if I knew the other person would not only be ok with it, but would still love me anyway. (And not leave.) Yet her research sho...

It’s been a while since I've talked about disappointment in a post. And I’m experiencing it in spades right now, so that usually means I needs to write about it. So I can figure out how I feel. Yes, this is how an INFJ  works. I have a friend in my life that regularly disappoints me. Not because of unrealistic expectations, but because he says he is going to do something and he doesn't do it. It ranges from telling me, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” to “We are going to watch that movie together. I can’t believe you haven’t seen it.” To then things like, “I’ll come by and see you.” And other kinds of statements. Nothing huge. But little things add up to a lot. Oh, there is that evil math again. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. -1 Corinthians 5:13 (NIV) NERD ALERT: I prefer the ESV most of the time, but with the Greek word, I think the NIV is a bit more faithful to the original meeting...

When I find myself trying not to look across the room, wondering. When I find myself waiting for that acceptance in some form of contact. When I find myself assuming rather than knowing. When I find myself waiting and hoping that this isn’t really rejection but just miscommunication. When I find myself asking “was it something I did?” When deep down I am really just asking myself “is it something I am?” Everyone hates rejection. That does not make me special. The desperate pain we all feel when rejection hits our hearts and the ache causes our chests to cave in and our breathing to become shallow. This is real. But perhaps I am the only one who feels this way. I find myself desperate to mend the feelings of rejection that seems ingrained in my soul… that crop up when an expectation isn’t met, when an invitation isn’t extended. When leaving feels like rejection, even though it isn’t always. When criticism tears open a wound where a freshly healed scar was mended by a prayer...

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,   so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. -Isaiah 55: 10-12 (ESV) Emptiness takes on many forms for me. I remember being asked by the search committee that called me to Arizona "How do you think you will handle moving to a place where you don't know anyone and leave many family and friends behind?" I also remember thinking "They have no idea how much of an introvert I really am." Being alone is not much of a problem for me. I've often wondered if...

Photo courtesy of Lola Rodriguez over at stock.xchng.com For my new series on expectations, click here My cousin over at in progress recently posted some questions about expectations... living with them, living without them, and all the frustrations that go along with a disappointment because of an unmet expectation. This issue occasionally pops up in my life in various forms, and I've never taken the time to really work out my feelings on the subject. So here I go. We'll see what comes out. I googled "Living Life Without Expectations" and found the following quotes worth repeating here: I settled for living life without expectations and often without fulfillment. Then this... Through the weekend, a friend of mine reminded me to cherish every moment that I spent with Kyla. I just wish I had more time. That same friend reminded me of the importance of living life without expectations... and I agree. The greatest thing about life is that none of us can pred...