I don't really give up very easy. Especially for something that I see as worth it. I think you are worth it. I guess that's why I haven't given up.
I also haven't given up because you matter to me. Our years of friendship matter. And I will be honest, I almost never use this word because it just doesn't happen to me that often, but I am angry. I am angry at you, because you are throwing away those years of friendship and I don't understand that.
I didn't ask for too much, friend. This I know. I offered grace where grace was needed, but you didn't want it. I believe you expected yelling and unforgiveness, legalism and harsh, unforgiving words. But I wasn't willing to do that. It's not who I want to be and it's not who I am becoming. You decided that feeling guilty and bad about what you'd done was a better option. I don't know how that is going for you, but I know how it's going for me. It means I lost someone I care about. I'm not sure I can say love anymore, because your actions lately have built up a lot of bricks in front of my heart. Jesus is doing everything he can to tear them down, but I pretty convinced I work faster than him.
Loving a person is not a small thing. Remember? It's about the slow process of mending what was broken by others before. It's about learning to give - and receive - grace. You aren't willing to receive grace, and so the hand of grace I've extended is being slapped away. I keep extending my hand, but it's growing weary and now I'm using it to stack bricks.
Dear friend - What kind of a person throws away those years of friendship because you are avoiding someone who you screwed up with? A person without a soul? It feels like it. You once told me that you didn't want me to feel like I had to work for our friendship. But you are making me work really hard right now and it's coming very close to ending me.
I would normally never write something like this with the hopes you are reading it. I don't even know if you still come here. But all my attempts to contact you have fallen on deaf ears. I guess, like most things that matter to me, I needed to write this out here and figure out what I am going to do next. (So this is really more for me than you.) At this point, I know this to be true: I don't believe in throwing things away. I will not throw you away. But I feel as though you have done that to me. So I am stacking more bricks. Pretty sure Jesus is growing weary of trying to keep up with me.
I've heard it said that the people who hurt you are the ones you need the most. The hurt is plenty there, friend, and I am angry that this means need. I never meant as much to you. You once said to me, "If two people can't have the hard conversations, then the friendship/relationship was never that strong to begin with." I guess that's what this is to you, because your actions tell me nothing to the contrary. We were never strong. We never bonded, and we no longer matter to each other. Maybe we never did.
[I realize just how I am am writing these words in jest, and that I want them to cut like a knife. Though I don't believe them to be true.]
How can you throw this away? I don't understand this. Why won't you give me closure? Why won't you try?
Dear friend, say something. I've giving up on you.