Chaos and My Teachable Moment

... And Ashton's meltdown began.

We were frosting cookies for the nightshift at the police station tonight. We were doing this as a thank you for all their amazing work keeping us safe.(Which means a lot in our town.)  Ashton had used his knife once as a sword. I gave him a warning "It will be taken away if you use it as a sword again." 5 seconds later out came to sword and I became the bad guy.

Working with kids was never something I’ve been drawn toward. I had some horrible babysitting experiences as a kid that traumatized me. Kids were always the aliens I never wanted to deal with after that. But this job has thrust me into that arena, as I’m over all the education of the church from nursery to adults. More than once I’ve doubted my skill, but I never doubt what God is doing. I try my best to just step back and let he Holy Spirit do his thing, because the good Lord knows I don’t have a clue what to do with kids.

But tonight have a 7-yr. old boy’s snot on my shirt and I am glad for that.

After Ashton’s meltdown of tears began, I asked Gayle to watch the class as they continued frosting their cookies and I took Ashton into the hallway and asked him to talk to me. His tears were more than just me taking away his sword. He had “the worst day ever’” because all of his friends made fun of him (expect Evan, the son of a couple in my small group) and because he had to quit baseball. “And all I wanted to do was frost cookies for the police offers!” he wailed.

He grabbed onto me and cried and cried. I hugged him back and did my best to sooth his tears. Once he seemed to get most of it out, I said some things that I hoped were comforting. Then I took his hands, looked him in the eye and said that he should talk to his mom after we were done about how he was feeling and that even though he couldn’t frost any cookies, he could eat one just like everyone else. Then we had a game to play.

When we returned, Seth and Evan had frosted his cookie to eat, and frosted his two cookies to give to the police officers. I could not have been more moved by their kindness.

After the game, two police officers came to talk to the kids about what they do and how it’s important they do their job well. They showed the kids a police car which was the “coolest thing ever”. The chaos of frosting cookies and having the police officer there made the night a little nutty! The kids went crazy with all the special fun. (This was not a normal Wednesday night…) All I could do was smile and be thankful for that.

Tonight’s bible lesson was on Cain and Abel, and how God cursed Cain for killing his brother. The lesson was “God cares what we do.” I saw that in action from some very active and precocious young boys who sometimes make me want to pull my hair out. The frosted cookies were to help us live out the lesson, but those boys were already living it out with Ashton. It took everything in me to not let Ashton frost cookies because I knew that’s what he wanted. Crying kids break my heart.

After the night was done, I talked to Ashton’s mom and she said they had indeed had a rough day. (It’s tough to be 7!) I then pulled Evan and his mom aside and told him how proud I was that he was Ashton’s only friend that didn’t make fun of him.

I got a whole lot of grace in the midst of some crazy chaos. Not the kind of grace you need when you screw up, but the kind of grace you need when you doubt everything about yourself and God reminds you: “I got this.”

 

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2 Coronthians, here I come...

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A Look Back

I've not been one for looking back over the year on New Year's Eve. I don't know why.

This year, it seemed that's all anyone was doing. Twitter and FB posts, my google reader... everywhere I look online I see people in reflection. I don't believe in coincidences, so I started my own reflection. I realized it’s something I haven’t done much of this year at all. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for reminding me of this critical and important aspect of life.

2011, in so many ways, was extra hard.

The milestones:

-It was the first time I’ve lived more than a day’s drive from family.

-It marked my first year of full-time vocational ministry.

-It marked my first time preaching.

-It marked my first time hiring someone (a youth director).

-It marked my first full year as a home-owner.

-It marked the first time I finished an adult Sunday School curriculum and was taught by someone other than me. (17 weeks long. Wow.) Then I did another one for 6 weeks that someone else taught. I loved this so much.

It marked my first jr. high lock-in. (I’ve done high school) and what a joy it was. But I was really tired. Might need to add it to the Murtaugh list. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murtaugh_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother))

The sadness:

-The death of Christopher, a very important person in my life. http://stephanienels.posterous.com/2011/01/2010-moment.html

-It marked the passing of 10A in the PC(USA) which I believe will tear the denomination apart. This saddens me.

-It marked the significant mourning, on my part, of living so far away not just from family but from those friends nearest and dearest to me. It really marked the year of some serious, bad-ass homesickness.

-It marked the death of a classmate, which forced a significant reflection on my high school experience. http://stephanienels.posterous.com/memory-lane.

-The firing of two volunteers at the church. Worst thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know it was the right thing to do both times.

-It marked the year of my realizing something really big about my life: I need people in my life who don’t just need something from me. I need people in my life that care for me, too. I’ve lived a long time without the latter. Ministry just sapped everything out of me so I could no longer function without someone giving back to me.

What I’ve learned about me:

-I don’t spend nearly enough time in prayer, and I’ve noticed that why I do spend a large chunk of my morning on it, I get so much accomplished during the day.

-I lean to the negative in my leadership style. This is not good. 2012 will be spent combatting that, with my attitude constantly in check

-I am really, really sensitive. I mean, really. I always knew I was. This was the year my sensitivity exploded in a thousand directions and hit me and everyone in face a number of times.

-I am so much better at not passing the buck than I used to be. Yay me.

-I realized that in the midst of all this really hard ministry stuff, that we make sacrifices in following God’s call in our lives. I don’t want this to come across as arrogant, but as a simple matter-of-fact statement. I had to live my life this way this year. It was hard. I won’t sugar coat that.

All in all, I’m very glad 2011 is over. But it was not without its beauty in the mess. That is, after all, how God works.

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Being the One Waited For

I stepped off the airplane and moved down the ramp with my luggage. I flew into Grand Island, NE this time, a small town with an even smaller airport. As I walked toward the single gate, I see my dad right in front, looking and waiting for me to get there. He hugs me, grabs my luggage away from me and we head out to the car.

After we're buckled in and on the road, his cell rings. He answers and I hear my brother's voice say "Has she landed yet?" I laugh at the tone of his voice. Our plane was 30 minutes late, but I knew Randy was impatient for my arrival. He's always been that way.

After a few minutes, my dad hangs up the phone and tells me that Randy has prepared a vehicle for me to drive for the week if I need it; being from a family of farmers we rarely have a shortage of extra pick ups and SUVs around. He asked if I wanted to pick it up on the way or if Randy should take it up to the house. I told him we could simply stop by the shop to pick it up to save him a trip. (After all, it is a 12 mile drive.)

Dad and I made our way through town with Mom's list of things to do before we came home on the dashboard in front of me. We stopped at my brother's bank (he's a fancy VP there) and dropped off some cookies for his co-workers. I needed to stop at Walgreens to get the liquids that wouldn't fit into my quart-size bag on the flight. Lunch stop at Valentino's (my favorite pizza!) and we were finally on our way home.

I realized something I've never thought about before: Jesus is not the only one people wait for during the Advent season. I was someone my family had waited for, too. All the preparations had been made, from the flight pickup, to the car, to the sheets on the guest bed being cleaned. I hadn't been home since last Christmas. In some ways, it felt like it had been forever. In others, it felt like I never left.

As we get older, move away from home and establish a life separate from our families, coming "home" feels different. I waited for it, desperately homesick, needing a break from ministry and from Arizona. I needed a break from people needing me, and I needed to be in a place where I could just be me, and not the one others expect me to be. I am blessed that my family gets that. They get me. They even made preparations for me and waited for me.

Not everyone gets that. How blessed am I?

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12 by 12 update

Not doing so well...

1) Fix the painting in my bedroom. (I've taken the painters tape in the bedroom. That's as far as I've gotten)

2) Make a new embroidery sign for Christmas décor. Done. Photo below.

3) Paint an accent wall in my office at work. (Not gonna happen)

4) Go up to Flagstaff or Sedona to spend some time in the snow. (Not gonna happen)

5) Finish another movie curriculum. (Not gonna happen)

6) Read two more books. 1: Don’t Waste Your Life by Piper. Done. 2: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson. About 3/4 done

7) Try at least 4 of the things here: http://pinterest.com/stephanienels/houshold-tips/

-Corkboard inside my cabinets. Love it.

-Homemade Laundry Detergent. Verdict: I’m not entirely sure it works as well, so I may do some recipe adjustments for the next batch. But I also tried the dry mix. I like it MUCH better than the liquid. Easier to make, less messy and seems to lasts longer.

-Homemade counter top cleaner. I don’t sure how “clean” it makes my counter tops (though I did read that rubbing alcohol works as a disinfectant,) but it definitely makes them smooth!

-Saving a drawer by using a mag holder for your saran wrap and ziplock bags. This was a “two birds with one stone” for me. I saw how someone took a box, cut it and covered it with paper to make a virtually free magazine holder. So I did both.

8) Clean out the garage. Done.

9) Get my address book in order. In process

· I started using Google Docs for this, once I found a free address book template online.

10) Finish decorating my home office (I did som furniture re-arranging, but that's it)

11) Finish changing out all the polished brass doorknobs in my house. Done

12) Fix my weedeater. Done;

 

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The Hush of Advent

I'm teaching a two-part series on Advent on the 11 and 18th of this month, so I've been studying, writing, and researching about the history of advent, the scriptures associated with advent, and how the church practices (or often, doesn't) it. I write a lot of curriculum. It’s part of my job; it’s what I love and a big part of what I am called to do. But this one has been tough. I’ve had a hard time motivating myself to get it organized. I’m put it off in lieu of other things. I have not been able to sit down and write this one easily. And it took me a while to understand why.

On the Meyer’s Briggs personality test, I am an INFJ. When I first tested for this in seminary, I was borderline N/S and F/T. Then when I had to do my family genogram (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/) for my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I discovered something very interesting. I had my immediate family all take the Meyers Briggs and the rest of my family all tested as S’s and as T’s. My counseling professor (Dr. Zink) told me this is why I am on the borderline of both N and F, saying that I was probably naturally an N and F, but my environment (i.e. family) forced me into acting more like an S and a T. (Then, of course, I recall how Dr. Zink told me those were the two that are the hardest to be different from your family. Story of my life – once a black sheep, always a black sheep.)

What does this have to do with Advent? Weirdly enough, snow.

Those of you who’ve read my blog for a while know the love affair I have with snow. It’s God’s cruel joke that he called me to a church in southern Arizona, because of how much I love snow. I love that after the beautiful fall colors fade to brown, snow blankets the earth with sparkly white jewels than shine in the sun. Snow settles the earth down, because people don’t like to drive in the snow (it’s dangerous). They don’t go outside (because it’s too cold). Snow makes the word stop. So it should be with my heart and Advent.

I think there is some beauty with Advent being the start of the church calendar and it’s a season of waiting. “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;” – Ps. 37:7

We are called to wait for the revealing of God’s will in our everyday life. The season of Advent is about celebrating the second coming of Jesus, which hasn’t come yet. So we wait. Advent is not part of Christmas. It’s preparation for Christmas. It’s preparation for his arrival. Because I’m introverted, I prepare in a “put my head down” kind of way. I’d much rather be in my head, think it all through, then carefully work through it outside myself. I don’t always get that luxury, but that is my preferred way of functioning.

This is where I am making the connection – the “S” side of me (the sensing side, which prefers experience over intuition, the concrete over the subjective.) In other words, the things which use our 5 senses: touch, smell, site, hear, taste. For me, seeing snow sends me inside… it makes me quit and reflective. Snow does, in many ways, represent a kind of death for me. The bugs die, the plants die, the grass dies. My environment of snow is a way the sensing side of me triggered my heart and mind to become reflective. Snow is a way the world is hushed.

But here in Arizona, the season of Advent is when you go outside. It’s 70 and beautiful. The sun shines, it’s finally comfortable weather after 6 months of 100 degree temps. This is not the time southern Arizona calms down. This is the time it comes alive. Winter visitors come in droves, traffic picks up, tons of bicyclists hit the road. This is not a quiet time for Arizona. And my brain, after years of living in the snow in December, is wired to shut down this time of year. And I realized this is always helped me celebrate Advent properly.

So this season of Advent feels very strange to me. My first winter here I had so much on my plate at work that I barely got through the season and survived. This year, I was in a position where I could delegate more work, and therefore, have more time to focus on the things in my gifting and strengths. And here I am… struggling with one of my strengths. All because there is no snow.

Ok, well not “all”. I’m pretty sure I have some fault in this. I need to figure out another way to quiet myself. I should, anyway, even if I do live in a place where it snows. Snow just made it easier for me. Now I’ve just got to do some hard work.

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Birds and Bees from Kaldis... A little slice of St. Louis in the desert. Thanks Carmen!!!!

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Baking Soda to the Rescue

I’ve been on pinterest for several months now, enjoying the way it helps me organize the ideas I find online as well as using it as a source of inspiration for many things. I’ve also discovered it to be a great motivator to get things done. So, basically, I win on every count. J

Today I was frustrated when I took one of my sauté pans out of the dishwasher and discovered it looking dirty, used and abused, unlike the rest of my pot and pan set. Several weeks I found a tip on pinterest about cleaning old sheet pans with baked on grease by using hydrogen peroxide and baking soda. I tried it, it worked. And I really LOVE using baking soda around the house. It’s cheap and totally does the job on anything you use it on. So I decided to try this combo on my sauté pan to see what would happen.

See the full gallery on Posterous

 Oh my goodness. GROSS! 

Can you see all of the bits and peices in the mixture? My pan is grooved, so I've always had to scrub pretty hard to get it completely clean, plus sometimes putting in the diswasher to make sure. Now I understand I have to be much more agressive with my cleaning of it!

But here it is, all shiny and new looking!

Yay.

 

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12 by 2012 update

1) Fix the painting in my bedroom (my mom messed it up when she was helping me and I've never taken the time to do it)

2) Make a new embroidery sign for Christmas decor

3) Paint an accent wall in my office at work.

4) Go up to Flagstaff or Sedona to spend some time in the snow.

5) Finish another movie curriculum (I might be pushing it on this one...)

6) Read two more books.

7) Try at least 4 of the things here: http://pinterest.com/stephanienels/houshold-tips/

8) Clean out the garage.

9) Get my address book in order.

10) Finish decorating my home office (but i can't buy the chair for it yet.... still saving!)

11) Finish changing out all the polished brass doorknobs in my house.

12) Fix my weedeater.

_________________________________________________________

About two weeks I decided to join of community of people working on "12 Things to Finish by 2012". I've not done too bad so far.

For 1 of the 4 in #7 I tried this:

And I totally think I'm going to love it.

I realized I wasn't going to be able to do #12 (fix my weedeater), but I did by a new one, at a pretty decent cost ($30). I used it last weekend and it worked great, so I think I made a good choice.

Today I finished #11 (finish replacing all the polished brass doorknobs in my house), thank goodness. The brass was starting to make me squint. I had a lot of brass doorknobs in this house, so over the course of the last several months, I've bought one or two as I've gone into Lowe's to get other things. This helped with the initial payout, which could have been over $150. Ouch.

Today I finished #11 (finish replacing all the polished brass doorknobs in my house), thank goodness. The brass was starting to make me squint. I had a lot of brass doorknobs in this house, so over the course of the last several months, I've bought one or two as I've gone into Lowe's to get other things. This helped with the initial payout, which could have been over $150. Ouch.

Today I went shopping for the ingredients to do another on my #7 list (making my own detergent), but struck out. I talked to a friend who used to do it and she told me the only store in town that carries everything I need was at the opposite end of town. So I’m waiting until Sunday, when I will be in that area for my small group. I am hoping that one goes well, because I may be able to save HUGE.

I've started #2 (make a new embroidery sign for Christmas decor) - the design in done and the embroidery work is started. And for one of my two books I'm reading Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life" and I'm about 1/2 done. (It's a skim read, though, as it's basically a rehash of a lot of his other writing.)

So I'm doing ok on the little stuff. The big stuff will be harder, especially as the holidays approach.

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The Winds of Change

I grew up in a very conservative Evangelical-Free Church, graduated from a mildly conservative Christian college. I then went back and served that church for 9 years as the Worship Director before finally landing in seminary, sure of my call to vocational church ministry in education.

I chose a seminary quite conservative both theologically and socially, because the story of my life is that I don't do anything easy. My time there challenged my thinking and I came out socially more liberal than I went in, and quite a bit more reformed theologically than I went in. (Which is not necessarily more conservative. I'm realizing how far from mainline evangelicalism the seminary took me. In many ways, I'm hardcore reformed, which I would not equate with evangelicalism.) The conservative theology there, if anything, made me better at critical thinking. Because when you don’t agree with everything that’s said and are like me and have a hard time shutting up about it, you have to get pretty good at articulating your position.

So, basically, my liberal friends would call me conservative. My conservative friends would call me liberal. It's often a confusing place to be.

The seminary is one that does not believe in ordaining women, whether as pastors, deacons or elders. Some churches in the denomination will allow women to be deacons, but will “commission” them rather than “ordain” then. (In order to avoid the biblical command that woman should not have authority over men.) To me, this is just semantics. But I do understand where they are coming from is allowing women to be deacons based on scripture.(Pheobe) All the other stuff? Well, I have no desire to get into that now. I have a list of books that helped shape me for you to read if you want. J

Here’s where I’m going with this: while I’m okay with women as deacons and elders (a woman’s voice in a session meeting can be a positive thing) I never want to be a pastor. However, I’m discovering something about myself that could potentially blow my whole world apart.

This June and this last week, the senior pastor asked me to fill the pulpit. His reasoning for both were intentional: in June, he wanted a focus on education and I gave the message right before VBS week. This week was halfway into a stewardship series and he wanted me to broaden the scope to stewardship by talking about giving our time and talents, not just our money, to the church. He also is trying to not “be” the church – wanting the congregation to see that the staff has other people who can fill the pulpit. (We have a parish associate who occasionally preaches, as well as a staff person in the CLP program).

Both times I gave the message I got raves. And I’m trying not to be prideful here, but many more than just a handful of people spoke so highly of my preaching, that even days later I’m getting emails, voicemails, and notes from people about how much they were affected by it.

I also recognize that sometimes having a break from the regular preacher is why a guest has a great impact. But the words I’m hearing – from both “woman can’t be preachers” people and “woman can do whatever they want” preachers – are the same. Simply pure, unadulterated gushing.

Here’s the kicker for me: I love preaching. I love the process, the study, the formulation of a message, the practicing, the delivery on Sundays… the whole thing. I love it. Not because it’s an ego “I’m in the spot light” thing (because in my old age I really kinda hate being the center of attention). But I’m loving it because:

1.) I’m good at it and 2.) studying God’s word is fun and 3.) I’m seeing God work.

In this, I’m sensing a wave of change coming my way. It scares me and it excites me. I will probably get some de-friends out of the deal (my fellow PCA seminary grads) yet at the same time, one of the most valuable things I learn at said seminary is how God gives us a passion for what we are good at and what we are called to do. As I wrote the sermons, as I talked with people after about it, there was one simple thing running through my mind, “How can me preaching be sinful if people are hearing God’s word more clearly ?” The only conclusion I can come to is this: it’s not. But I also see preaching a sharing, and not me having authority over anyone in the church. The state of my heart is that I am not in authority. I’m just using the mind and heart God gave me to further his kingdom. I hardly count myself as someone with authority in the scripture. I just count myself as someone redeemed by Christ and gifted at sharing God’s word with others.

I don’t know if preaching regularly is in my future. Right now, I’m living in the tension of never wanting to be a pastor, yet being really good at preaching. I do know that when I do teach and preach, I must make sure I do so without usurping the authoirty of the leadership of the church. What God will do with all this is a mystery to me. I just know I'm feeling the winds of change and I'm try not to freak out about it.

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