never been here before

I’ve never been to a writer’s retreat. The fact is, I don’t really consider myself a writer, though I do occasionally call myself that. There is a tension in “being” a writer and just being someone who writes, I guess. We started out the retreat with the question of, “Am I called to write?” And for some many of the women there, they are called to do this. They can’t imagine NOT writing. I guess I feel that way, too. But I also don’t have that drive… that call to the pen and paper. My call is different. Writing may be part of my call, but I don’t think it’s primarily my call. I wanted to come to the retreat because I’ve been struggling with only feeling inspired to write when things are hard. My inspiration tends to come from emotional pain, which I haven’t had a lot of recently. So I wanted to see what the answer to that might be… what it looks like to write in all circumstances. So my reflection during the weekend really centered around this. But then Friday night, Christ...

After taking some time to process unsafe people in this post:  http://neverbeenherebefore.blogspot.com/2015/02/unsafe-people.html ...I’ve had to time to read more in the Cloud and Townsend book about what safe people look like, and more importantly, how to become a safe person. A safe relationship is one that draws us closer to God, draws us closer to others, and helps us become the real person God created us to be. This is a mere echo of discipleship, Cloud and Townsend say, knowing that our greatest call in life is to love God, love others, and grow into the person God created us to be.                                                           From pages 144-146 of “Safe People” by Henr...

I’ve kept you long past our expiration date. You see, INFJs tend to do that. Because connection with others is like the white buffalo for us, we will often fight tooth and nail to keep that someone we connect with in our lives. Even when it’s unhealthy… Or one-sided...Or all about them. But I want to keep them. Says my inner self, who has never been known for her good decisions. [She’s never been good at letting go, either] Did you know that a keep is a tower built within the walls of castles during the Middle Ages? They were used as a refuge of last resort should the rest of the castle fall to an enemy. “Last resort.” Yeah. Ok. I get it. I guess I could keep them as a last resort, if nothing else works. But sheesh . Do you have to be so obvious, heart head? Have you ever heard that phrase, “I just can’t quit you”? That’s how I feel every day. I’ve kept you long past our expiration date. I don’t care how sour the milk tastes. I love...

“Calling-out?” “Convicting?” “Keeping accountable?” “Restore him gently” (to use a softer, biblical phrase from Galatians 6) So, basically, being someone’s Holy Spirit. I was having a conversation with my friend/cousin Meredith the other day and she mentioned “the hustle” – a term Brené Brown has attached to people who make you work for worthiness. The friend that makes you do just one more thing… I know some of Brown’s work, of course. I’ve written about it here a lot. But “the hustle” was a new term I’d never heard attached to her name, so I did some research. I discovered this: If we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and have to hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. - Brené Brown – Hustle for Worthiness I guess Brown did a study once upon a time, in a DVD that has been discontinued, ...

My word for 2014, though I’m only realizing it now that it’s over, was courage. As I think about what I want and hope from 2015, there is a phrase that keeps running through my head. “falling out of love with what isn’t good for me” The phrase, “falling out of love” might be controversial, especially for those of you close to me and didn't know that I actually fell in love. I only recently realized it myself. (A couple of weeks ago, to be more precise.) Perhaps I didn't fall in love in the traditional sense. But I did, indeed, fall in love. And I fell in love with some things that weren't good for me. There was a lot of heart work done in 2014, where I resolved to be more honest with those I love. And honest with myself. I wanted to be less closed off to the hard experiences and feelings that life brings. And less closed off to let others know me and love me, so I could more fully understand the love of Christ. And it was pretty awful. I am gl...

This has been a challenging four years. A lot has happened in my time in Arizona… a great deal of joy and laughter. Even more growth and stretching. And many tears. Tonight, for the first time, I actually heard a small voice inside me say, “I regret coming here.” And right now isn’t even the worst of times I’ve had here. So I had to pause. (My version of pausing is to write. Well, first I cleaned and organized my office. Then I sat down to write. Because I don’t know how I feel until I write it.) I panicked as soon as those words entered my mind, because I don’t know if they are real. True. Or the enemy working against me. There is something keeping me here. It’s a strong and powerful force. It would have to be to keep me tethered to a place so far outside my comfort zone. So far away from my family. So far away from what I consider home. But it’s home here, too. It happened when I fell in love. With this season. “But then I come down here… and ...

Have you ever been at a crossroads with a friend? Where you are sensing that the friendship just isn’t good for you and that it’s time to set it down and leave it behind? I’ve been in that place a few times. I think I may be approaching it right now. And as I sat down to write my next post on expectations, I saw that the next topic on my list was about shame. And because I’m me, I found a connection between the two. The famous “vulnerability TED” Brené Brown did a second TED talk called “ Listening to Shame ” and when I first made the list of topics to write about on living life without expectations, I wrote, from her talk, “Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s courage.” I’m not entirely sure I know what I was thinking when I connected it to the idea of living life without expectations, but I do know that right now, in my own life, there is significant shame connected to the expectations I have with the aforementioned friend. This shame looks embarrassing. I picture...

I had the privilege to speak at a women’s conference this last weekend, and in a way that only God could, he intervened on my topic. Which made me very nearly terrified. The theme of the conference was “Patterns God is Weaving in Our Lives” and after going through several topic ideas, I realized I wasn't particularly passionate about any of them. I could speak on them, with some measure of authority, but I was fearful that it wouldn't come from the heart. (Which is a miracle in itself, because two years ago I don’t know that I would have been in tune with myself enough to understand the importance of speaking on a topic that matters to you – and how that makes your talk so much better.) Enough with the suspense – my talk was Patterns of Love: Vulnerability and the Lavish Love of God . Now, of course, with the word “vulnerability” you have to know that Brené Brown’s material comes into play, though I used almost nothing of her’s in my talk. She mostly just inspired m...

I discovered this talk a couple of years ago and I watch it pretty regularly. Each time I take away something different. Which I both love and hate.  “There is only one variable that separated the people who have a sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it and that was that people who have a sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging… the one thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we are not worthy of connection.” What then, are we to do, when someone we desire a connection with doesn’t reciprocate? How do we NOT withdraw again, how do we believe that we are worth connecting with? “We must be willing to invest in relationships that may or may not work out…” “…to let ourselves be seen” These may be my two greatest fears. I am willing to be excruciatingly vulnerable if I knew the other person would not only be ok with it, but would still love me anyway. (And not leave.) Yet her research sho...

It’s been a while since I've talked about disappointment in a post. And I’m experiencing it in spades right now, so that usually means I needs to write about it. So I can figure out how I feel. Yes, this is how an INFJ  works. I have a friend in my life that regularly disappoints me. Not because of unrealistic expectations, but because he says he is going to do something and he doesn't do it. It ranges from telling me, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” to “We are going to watch that movie together. I can’t believe you haven’t seen it.” To then things like, “I’ll come by and see you.” And other kinds of statements. Nothing huge. But little things add up to a lot. Oh, there is that evil math again. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. -1 Corinthians 5:13 (NIV) NERD ALERT: I prefer the ESV most of the time, but with the Greek word, I think the NIV is a bit more faithful to the original meeting...

You may have noticed something different around here. I’ve always, for the last several years of blogging, tried my best to be honest in my writing. Part of it is exposing what is inside of me to the outside world, and figuring out just how I feel can only be done by writing it out. (Mostly.) There has been of shift of late, particularly in the last several months. I’m making more time to write like I used to, but I am shifting into something that may not seem like a big deal to you, but oh… it is to me. Remember my word for 2013? Anything? I had something else in mind entirely when that word presented itself to me, which sort of defeats the point. But I am reminded that I did pray that word to God, promising him that whatever he would be up to, I would do it if he asked. God has been whispering some big truths to me, since about March of this year, that I now seem to find everywhere. In things I read, classes I teach, sermons I listen to, books I finish and bible studie...

It’s always been a little been hard for me to be truly authentic with people when I feel hurt by them. Much of this is part of my own story, going back years and years of being taught that I was too sensitive and therefore, my feelings about things were not only “over the top” and “dramatic”, but also not relevant and necessary to have. So I shut down. When someone hurts me, I bottle up every emotion experienced and tuck them away into the smallest and tightest corner of my soul. For years, I assumed this was the best way to operate in order to be a functioning citizen of this world. What this told me, inadvertently, was “don’t bother anyone with who you are… just get out of the way.” This has led to much heartbreak and relationship deficiency. I’m truly sorry to all the people who have chosen to stick it out with me and be a friend. It cannot be easy. Many of the great have tried and fallen in the process. This has also led me to, throughout my day, talking to m...

When I find myself trying not to look across the room, wondering. When I find myself waiting for that acceptance in some form of contact. When I find myself assuming rather than knowing. When I find myself waiting and hoping that this isn’t really rejection but just miscommunication. When I find myself asking “was it something I did?” When deep down I am really just asking myself “is it something I am?” Everyone hates rejection. That does not make me special. The desperate pain we all feel when rejection hits our hearts and the ache causes our chests to cave in and our breathing to become shallow. This is real. But perhaps I am the only one who feels this way. I find myself desperate to mend the feelings of rejection that seems ingrained in my soul… that crop up when an expectation isn’t met, when an invitation isn’t extended. When leaving feels like rejection, even though it isn’t always. When criticism tears open a wound where a freshly healed scar was mended by a prayer...

In many ways, I am happily leaving 2012 behind. In other ways, I’m scared for what this means for 2013. My first two years in vocational full-time ministry have been painful. They’ve been a struggle. But I have never loved Jesus more in my life. So it’s impossible to say that I, in some way, have screwed this up. But I sense some pretty big changes ahead. I’m not sure if they will be for me personally or if they will be for this church I serve, but big changes I know will come. As a creature of comfort, change is a scarry thing. As an introvert, there are plenty more things that scare me. This is why my word for 2013 is what it is. Let me back up - I’ve been inspired this year to have a word. A word that challenges me, a word that is a prayer, a word that I intentionally allow to play out in my life in 2013. I’ve seen a few other female bloggers do it and I like the idea. For me, I see it like the umbrella I no longer get to hold (I live in the desert now, for heaven’s sak...

A friend of mine recently got married, and she said something very intriguing to me when she described the feelings she had on her wedding day. She said, "There was this part of me that wasn't ready to let go of my parents, because I never quite had the relationship with my dad that I wanted. I wasn't fully ready to "let go", because I didn't feel the safety of his love. Does that make sense? It does to me, because I know it is backed by research. Children who are secure in their parents love are more likely to feel the safety to spread their wings and leave the nest, because they know their parents will always be right there, cheering them on. " I had to stop and ponder what that looks like in our relationship with our heavenly father. As I've come to understand the mistrust I have in people, I've wondered if there is a connection between how I see them (as untrustworthy) and how I see God. How do you really know if you trust God? I feel ...

It's my last semester of seminary, so that means job hunting. Yuck. But I found a job description excited me. So I called the church and talked to the senior pastor. He went to seminary with friends of mine from college. His wife is from Nebraska. He said he would take a look at my profile and resume, so I sent it to him. Two weeks ago I had a phone interview with him and the search committee. It was intense, but good. Last week I got an email from the senior pastor telling me that they loved my answers, and wanted to talk with me further. He asked me where i was at, what I was feeling, and what the Spirit was telling me. I replied, telling him I enjoyed our conversation as well and that I would love to talk further. I didn't hear anything for almost a week. Good thing a friend of mine was in town for a visit, or I might have gone mad. Then, this last Wednesday the pastor called me and said, "We all really liked you, and want to fly you out to meet us." Yikes. I set ...