What I'm listening to: Soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou
I still remember sitting in my AP English classroom in high school, filling out my applications to college, repearting my S.S. # over and over again, wondering where I'd end up next. I was so sure I'd be in New York City or somewhere exciting - just because I thought I deserved it.
I have a cousin who believes, more or less, in socialism. That the poor and less fortunate deserve help from the government simply because they are poor and less fortunate. Then there are all those crazy people who believe the bible says, "God helps those who help themselves." Believe me - that's no where in the bible. But my unskewed vision of the world I had back at the age of 17 trusted in that ideal - that if I worked hard, I would get ahead in life. I would deserve the success that comes with an honest day's work.
The reality of paying bills, shopping for cars, houses, and health insurance has turned me into an adult. And I resent it.
I just spent the last 4 days with my family. When we used to get together, our conversations consisted of, "Man, my alegebra teacher sucks." and "I passed my driver's test on the first try! Woo-hoo!" now consists of talk on the private mortage insurance required if you don't have a down payment for a first-time homeover's loan, or how our commute to work sucks.
I miss the days of being irresponsible - that days of poofy bangs, green legwarmers, pink mini-skirts, blue mascara and when my biggest concern was the latest rumors floating around school about my best friend.
Whatever happened to my hopes and dreams about the exciting, lovely life I was planning to lead?
Not that I'm unhappy with how things are now. I'm really not. It's not always easy, but I know God has called me to this specific place in this specific time. I don't know how long he'll keep me here (which is another things about growing up I don't always care for, but my obedience to him is more important than my life simply being "easy") but I'll stay as long as God wants me here. When I was a kid in a situation I didn't like, I just cried my way out of it. I can't do that now. Oh, the crying still comes in droves, but I still am required to trudge through it. I trudge through the mud, and I must accept that no matter how fast I spin my wheels, I might be stuck until it's time for me to move on.
So maybe that's what being an adult is about. Showing patience and grace while trudging through the mud.