Friday, October 21, 2005

Never Underestimate My Ability to Doubt Myself

What I'm listening to: Chris Tomlin's Arriving

I've been hearing a theme in my everyday life lately - fear.

"Fear not" is the most frequent instruction God gives us in the Bible. Probably not a coincidence. Fear can sink fast - without you even realizing it. Bad fear is when trust isn't there. Good fear is when it keeps you from driving like an idiot.
Is my fear a lack of trust in God? I'm not sure. I know my fear most certainly is for lack of trust in myself. I've screwed up enough that I'm too scared to do something - because I'm just sure I'll screw it up. I know myself well enough. I'm really good and ignoring all the warning signs God provides - all the instruction he give me and just messing things up.

Just another lovely side effect of low self esteem.

It's happening slowly - I can feel it. I have since last spring. God knows me well enough to not hit me in the face with it all at once. He does it in pieces - so I can get used to the idea. So when he hands me the last piece, it will make sense.

Sometimes I wish he would hurry it along. I guess I just need to trust (there's that word again) he will reveal it to me when I'm ready.

I guess I just want to be ready now.

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