Tuesday, November 11, 2014

loss


Loss.

It’s a word that provokes a lot of emotion. The loss can progress over time, but can also decrease over time. What kind of crazy-ass supernatural kind of emotion does that?

Loss does.

Sometimes loss is inevitable. Sometimes we’ve seen the writing on the wall for a while; perhaps the roller-coaster of the experience hardly made the loss a surprise.

But you’re still riding on that roller coaster. This means there are ups and downs, terrifying moments of scream-filled terror and also let-go kind of joy-filled moments that set you free.

Loss does this. It’s CRAZY.

I’m facing a few losses right now. But there is a pretty big one in the midst of several tiny ones and I normally would be absolutely wrecked about this. But I am not.

(And it’s freaking me out. Hahaha. The humor is not lost on me.)

Part of me hopes my calm demeanor over this loss is simply God’s graciousness to me. Oh, please, let that be the case.

But another part of me is wondering if I’m simply numbed myself to the emotion because I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago.

I pray it’s the first. But I worry that my human nature means it’s the second.

I’ve written a bit here about family, http://neverbeenherebefore.blogspot.com/2013/10/being-tethered.html  and about how being so far away from mine has been difficult. More difficult than I ever thought it would be. It’s a different kind of difficult. It’s beyond a loneliness, but a palpable feeling of always being left out… of not belonging anywhere. I mean, when you end up spending too many Thanksgivings and Easters alone because your family lives 22 hours away and no one here thought to invite you over, that hurts. I’m not going to lie. It kills me inside each passing year.

So I’m in a situation right now where my friends are my family. And that is hard, because being the weirdo I am, friends just don’t come easy to me. They are hard work. Not just for me, but for them.  No one gets me. I’m a mess. I’m complicated. I’m a pain. So I’m grateful for those who stick around and love me when I’m unlovable. So when I lose a friend it’s like losing a member of my family. And for me, who loves her family with every inch of her soul, that? Devastating.

But this recent loss of friendship that’s left me calm has been devastating in a different way. Because I put myself out there, was honest about how I was feeling. I didn't ask for anything in return, though I certainly wanted one, because I value and love the person. But I didn't demand anything. I just shared my hurt.

Crickets.

Nada. Nothing from them.

Ouch.

BUT - maybe three or five or ten years ago this would have killed me. But today it doesn’t. It’s hard… but it hasn’t broken me. Maybe it’s because this friend never occupied that much space in my heart. *she says with hopeful vengeance in her heart*  Maybe it’s because God is being incredibly kind to me, because my heart can only take so much. Or maybe it’s that I am growing up and realizing that I did nothing wrong. And they did. And I can rest easy in that, where as other times I’ve gone over and over everything in my mind, combing over memories looking for things I screwed up. This time I’ve also given them the opportunity to hear how I felt with complete honesty. No games. No “what ifs” or “I could have been clearer” or “I should have” moments. There was no veil with me. This is a big damn deal. And you what? It didn’t kill me like I really thought it would.

Don’t misunderstand me. I miss my friend. I am grieving this loss. But there is no self-doubt here, and this is my breakthrough. I put myself out there, I was rejected, and it’s ok. I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want this loss. But I am also sure it’s not my fault I am going through this.

I've been completely honest and authentic with this friend and this time instead dwelling and looking at things from every angle of how I could have screwed up, I am realizing that I finally was true to myself, take it or leave it, and that my friend is the one who messed this up. Not me. There were no games played here. I was me, and this brokenness in our friendship is not a result of me playing a game or being unclear or having unrealistic expectations. For once, I’m not agonizing over whether it’s not my fault. Because it’s I know it’s not.

I’m sorry. But this is SERIOUS breakthrough material.

Whew. Why do I always feel like I need a glass of wine after I post something here?

1 comment:

Karen Brown said...

Stephanie, this IS serious breakthrough material! Perhaps your identity is shifting towards Him a bit more. I know I struggle when I feel rejected (don't we all), and my reactions point to where I'm resting on unstable ground. I'm so glad you are documenting your journey so honestly. It's refreshing to be reminded that we don't travel alone on this journey. And your words make for such a beautiful landscape along the way... love you!