still

 I’ve missed a lot of prompt words from FMF lately, which is too bad because I know how powerful those posts can be for me to write. But my life is just not in a place where I’m willing to be aware of enough that I remember to think,“Oh, it’s Friday. That’s means blogging.” Especially since I can’t seen to get FB to show the reminder post on my newsfeed. "Out of sight, out of mind" is how most things have been going for me lately, unless you’re a significant person in my life.

So I’m doing my own version. Not for 5 minutes. Because BAHAHAHAHA. But I still find so much value in the inspiration words. This last week’s prompt word was “Still.”

It’s 4:30am. AGAIN. I roll over and sigh, because HELLO, it’s 4:30 am and once again, I woke up and my mind is now officially racing and I’m composing an email in my head and thinking about that last phone conversation I had with friend X and wondering if I remembered to confirm my haircut appointment on Friday and asking myself, “Do I ever text X back to let them know when I could do lunch?” and remembering that there are now two bulbs burned out in the ceiling fan light in my living room and oh, that’s right, I need to go buy a new sprayer for my backyard hose at Home Depot.

Breathe.

AndthenireallywantthenewchestnutpralinelattefromstarbucksbecauseitremindsmeofbakingcookiesatchristmastimewithDaleandirememberthathenevertextedmebackandnowithinkheisprobablymadatmeandwhatdididothistimebecauseallididwasaskhimathoughtprovokingquestion

STOP. Breathe.

My favorite verse in the Old Testament is in the book of Exodus. Only a nerd like me would have that answer when everyone else says Jeremiah 29:11 or Ezekiel 36:26 or Isaiah 41:10. (Though mine very narrowly beats out Isaiah 53:5) But I love it. I hold it close to my heart.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

I think what I like about the verse is that although it reminds me to be still, it also reminds me there IS a fight going on. Whether it’s a fight for my soul when it comes to sin, a fight for an idol that needs to be crushed in my life, a fight that involves the health of my father, a fight that requires taking a stand for truth…. There always seems to be a fight in life. Maybe not in a “I’ve got my dukes up” or an “I’m gonna take the hill with a pop gun” kind of fight, but a fight for my ever-constant divided heart. A fight that reminds me of why I get up in the morning and why I breathe in and out every day. A fight that reminds me why my mind won’t stop racing at 4:30 in the morning.

It’s a fight because I care.

Is being still in a fight of this kind just as simple as the cliché of stepping back and trusting him?

Or is it more?

Or is this stillness a resolve? A surety?

(That word always reminds me of that old William Gadsby song, made gorgeous by Sandra McCracken: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWAXkaWS8o0)

As I’ve been studying through the like of Moses this Fall, one of the greatest takeaways has been how we often focus on our circumstances rather than on God. But I struggle to reconcile this when our circumstances are a result of God working… and so I must focus on God when it comes to obeying him, not focusing on the fear of “what if?” within that obedience. That's what it means to not get hung up on our circumstance... and get hung up on him.

Most of the times, this doesn't feel like a stillness. Because we also learn from the many times Israel obeyed (or disobeyed, which happened an awful lot, too) the Lord, there was anything but stillness around them.

Maybe for me, a stillness comes in knowing that what I am doing, where I am going, and who I am is all a direct result of who God is and that while chaos abounds, my soul will rest in him. 

[Even that sentence makes me a little tired.]

Maybe it means being tired at the end of a long ministry day, but not exhausted. Maybe it means waking up at 4:30 several mornings in a row with a million things on my mind that will not shut up. But then again, maybe it doesn’t.

I don’t sound very still, do I?