Thursday, October 11, 2007

Hold Me Jesus







Last night on my way to rehearsal I heard a remake of an old classic on the radio.







Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace


... and I was overwhelmed with emotion.

Not really because of the song. While it's lovely and the remake (by Big Daddy Weave) is very good, it brought back a memory of something from many, many years ago. My friend Andy sang this when we were in Envoy together, and I laughed at how he used to mess the lyrics up "I'd rather fight for you something I don't really want..." doesn't make near as much sense, and we had a good time making fun of him for that.

As the song played memory after memory replayed in my mind while I remembered how he was the person I knew the least at the beginning of Envoy's formation, and he eventfully became the person with which I identified the most. We are both farm kids, both in 4-H, we both have very sick senses of humor, and well as ridiculously loud laughs. I even remember him saying to me months after Envoy ended, "If I'd known you were this cool, I would've spent more time with you last summer."

But what overwhelmed me was remembering the transformation he went through the summer we toured together and the months after. I watched him grow into the man of God he is now, and as I long to be transformed I find myself shaking like a leaf. For I am scared, I am different, and I am not who I was. I worry that it's both a bad and good thing. And I don't know what to think about that.

Andy handled his transformation with a lot of love and grace, and with a lot of laughs. I only hope I can learn from that.

He and his wife are now in Africa, serving as missionaries with AIM. I miss them both, but especially Andy. That song will never be the same for me. Even with the wrong lyrics.

4 comments:

Kansas Bob said...

Thanks for posting Stephanie. With my wife Ann in the hospital now for two weeks and probably facing another two hoping to find strength and feeling returning to her legs.. these words really ministered to me:

So hold me Jesus,
'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace


I have sometimes been scared and shaking these last few weeks and find myself praying for peace and healing.

stephanie said...

It is a lovely song... not many write better lyrics than Rich Mullins did.

I will pray for you and your wife.

Andy said...

Hey Stephanopolis... wow that post brings back memories. Man, we were kids weren't we? Do you remember the John Grisham books we'd read over each other's shoulders in the van? The broken windshield? How about the big fights we'd have as a group? I also remember riding the 4 wheelers at your family farm the following fall. And the Air Force football game we went to when you were living in the Springs? Good times... good times...

Anyhow, I'm tremendously honored by your post... I'm glad I screwed up those words enough to embed the experience in your mind so we could look back someday and remember it all. And laugh.

-Andy

stephanie said...

The books over the shoulders! I forgot about that. Yikes, was that a long time ago. I feel so blessed to have you and Lesa as friends, and to have experienced Envoy with you (despite the huge group fights). I will remember the good stuff... like the little girl who made us watch the 3 Stooges all night. (Remember that? That was one long night), and laughing endlessly when you crazy boys took off your shoes and put them in front of the vents to stink up the whole van. And it's still a little embarrassing that I had to sing a Debbie Gibson song at a wedding, but you backed with up with gusto on the piano. (Wasn't there some joke with the Red Roof Inn? I can't remember, we had so many.) Yes, they were very good times.

I hope you are all doing well and give Lesa a big hug from me. Tell her how much I miss her!