Last Monday I had a heavy, heavy heart going into my small group.
It's one I've been part of two years. The leaders are people I trust. The other there are those I love. It's hard to ignore your sin in front of people who mean so much. And while we spent the two hours talking about the study, I kept thinking about this one particular sin. How awful and dirty it made me feel. And how hypocritical of me to talk to those who help keep me accountable as if nothing was wrong! I felt chains wrapped around my heart and my mind.
This heavy heart is one common thread among all my most personal sins - the deep down dirty rotten ones. These are the sins that peal away at your defenses, leaving open wounds just begging for another attack. These are the sins that seem to stay with you forever, and sometimes often the easiest to ignore because they aren't outward. These sins aren't in the limelight; they are hidden in the dark recesses of our souls.
So after our study, I asked for prayer to be released from this sin that's weighed me down for years. And seriously, this sin has followed me for years. And as our leader prayed, she said something that stayed with me, "May the taste of this sin be so bitter she will never want to taste it again."
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. - Psalm 34: 8
The archaic definition of the word "taste" is to appreciate or enjoy. I don't take time each day to appreciate and enjoy God's goodness. I simply take it for granted because his goodness never fails to be just that: good. I am thankful for this goodness, for it exposes my wickedness. And this same goodness frees me from my wickedness. But I feel as though my entrapment to this sin means I don't see God as good. If God is good, why isn't he taking this desire to sin away from me? I know I shouldn't doubt God' goodness. But it's there. I believe I've failed to really taste and see not just his goodness, but who he really is in the first place. Perhaps if I had a clearer view of God, perhaps if I remembered it's not about my goodness in the first place, than perhaps this weight on my heart would lift and I could truly, with Christ' help, conquer my sin.
I've taken refuge. I just have to do the rest.
...I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood...
... I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you ....