Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Post I've Been Avoiding

I've been avoiding this entry for a long time. But I've decided to finally face the music, suck it up and just type.


Do I want to be a pastor?

I've been asked that a lot in the last several months. Since I was in high school I've had a few church members tell me they think I should be, so sure, it's always been in the back of my mind. But just because a few people told me that years ago? And a few people are telling me today? Does that really mean anything? I don't know. But as I continue to dialogue with those closest to me, I am being pushed further and further and deeper into the meaning of this question - the meaning of this calling.


Do I want to be a pastor?


Since those few church members mentioned the possibility to me all those years ago, my gut reaction was always "no". And as I'm being asked the question more recently, my gut reaction is kicking in and I am once again saying "no". I've put this post off because for several weeks now (if you must know, I actually started to type all of the above on December 7th, but never mind that).


I finally asked myself why "no" was always my answer. And I didn't like it. But that answer is for another post... for right now I want to pose this: I'm afraid that God's desire for my future is something I'm not ready for. But here the kicker: who is ever ready?


Yikes. Sorry about all the bad grammar in the above paragraphs.


But more than not feeling ready, I know I will never feel good enough. Then I read this. Then I read this.


Several months I posted this. But I'm still no closer to being sure I've heard God in the right way.


I know there aren't very many of of your who read this blog, but for those of you who do and are in the ministry, would you mind posting your story of how God called you? Because right now, all I have in my head is Spurgeon:

"
If you can do anything else do it. If you can stay out of the ministry, stay out of the ministry."

4 comments:

eric wright said...

Stephanie,

Thanks for the link. Keep pursuing, God will direct your steps.

stephanie said...

Thank you, eric, for sharing your church planting experience. Your journey's been amazing and I love reading about it.

Phillips said...

Steph....

Just found the blog (via Rocky). I am enjoying it very much.

I just started working as a pastor in Colorado four months ago. Yeah...that's right...Rev. Father Christmas. In case you were wondering, things don't get "easier." I doubt every day if I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing...God is always reforming and shaping my call (as a pastor, a husband, etc.). I'm always being pushed or stretched. That feeling of "Am I doing the right thing?" always hangs around.

But...and big "but" here (insert joke about liking big "but"s here)...I am convinced that the people who make the best seminary students, the best pastors, the best missionaries, have at least of touch of these nuerotic self-questioning tendencies. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, either...I think that people who get caught up in the power, the glory, and patting themselves on the back...I don't think they get the point, and I think (frankly) that they're dangerous. I've already met way too many of them along the way...and they scare me.

So...I guess that's my way of saying that, yes, we need to have confidence in our call...but we also need to make sure that we know that it isn't OUR call. It is a balancing act between self-confidence and humility.

And I think your'e in the right place. It took me forever to figure out that I don't need to have all the answers...I just wanted to let you know that I think your'e asking the right questions and (like Eric just said), God's going to point you in right way. Keep walking.

stephanie said...

No way. Phillips? Where have you been? I miss you and your crazy laugh.

Thanks for your comment. As usual, you are eloquent and honest and your words mean more to me than you'll ever know.

There's so much more in my head than what I've ever attempted to write here. I guess it's just good to know what I'm experiencing is not only okay, but a normal part of the process.

Rev. Father Christmas? I prefer Rev. Student Union Manager. But that's neither here nor there.

Don't be a stranger.