falling out of love

My word for 2014, though I’m only realizing it now that it’s over, was courage.

As I think about what I want and hope from 2015, there is a phrase that keeps running through my head.

“falling out of love with what isn’t good for me”

The phrase, “falling out of love” might be controversial, especially for those of you close to me and didn't know that I actually fell in love. I only recently realized it myself. (A couple of weeks ago, to be more precise.) Perhaps I didn't fall in love in the traditional sense. But I did, indeed, fall in love. And I fell in love with some things that weren't good for me.

There was a lot of heart work done in 2014, where I resolved to be more honest with those I love. And honest with myself. I wanted to be less closed off to the hard experiences and feelings that life brings. And less closed off to let others know me and love me, so I could more fully understand the love of Christ.

And it was pretty awful.

I am gladly leaving 2014 behind.

See, no one told me that it would be painful understanding love more. No one told me that if I let others know me that it would hurt so much. I guess I was hoping that the love of Jesus would make all that hurt go away. It doesn't. It’s just sits there, painfully aware of the rejection and the dashed hopes and the “I’m not good enough” words whispering in my ears.

Uncovering an idol does this to you. It did it to me.

In the process of letting others know me, I "fell in love" with some people who chose not to treat my heart well. I fell in love with the idea that people make me whole. I fell in love with the idea that Jesus was not enough... and dove, happily, head first, into love with others that turned out to be really good at hurting me.

So.

If 2014 was the year of open heart surgery on my soul, then 2015 must be about stitching it back up.

I must fall out of love.

And when I get some kind of clue as to what the heck that means, I’ll let you know.