five minute friday - tell

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Today’s post is for Five Minute Friday for my VERY FIRST TIME EVER, and the urging of my friend Karen. Five Minute Friday is where whoever loves and writes is urged shut down their critical voice and and write on a prompt word for five minutes straight. No editing (hahahahaha is happening in my head right now, by the way.) Today's prompt is the word "tell".

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She sat across from me in my office and I hear her say the words that will not let me go. The words I keep hearing from people. The words that resonate and by now, simply hurt,

“I don’t feel like I belong here anymore.”

“What is my job, now, at this point?” I’m asking myself inside. Wondering how to respond. My heart is tearing and I close my eyes for a long while as we sit together. I almost feel my heart cave in, that familiar feeling of heartache. But this time it’s not about a boy or a friend or family member or a loss. This time it’s caving in dread.

To tell me that you don’t feel like you belong anymore immediately sets me into problem-solving mode. I guess because I know that we could talk and talk and talk about what I know the balcony issue is and know that we will never get to the dance floor and figure this out. It’s as if this telling is yet another way I’m feeling the shovel slam into the dirt and dig the hole bigger and deeper, to make room for yet another body of someone who wants to leave.

I refuse to throw a handful of dirt on this grave. But I don’t know what to do instead.

I am fearful for how many more times people will tell me this.




Comments

ssandrax said…
I hope you can deal with it as much as you can.
12:42 AM
BARBIE said…
Stopping by from the Five Minute Friday. It's hard to hear someone say they feel as if they don't belong. I've said that too many times in my life. I hope that the situation has gotten better.
2:31 AM
Unknown said…
Stephane!! This is so perfect! And every time I read one of your posts, I'm always amazed at how I'm immediately pulled in...right from your first lines. And then you have such a way of slowing down moments and going deep. This line got me: "It’s as if this telling is yet another way I’m feeling the shovel slam into the dirt and dig the hole bigger and deeper..." Great job on this week's prompt. I love that you joined FMF, and I love you!
5:39 AM
seespeakhearmama.wordpress.com said…
Welcome to Five Minute Friday Stephanie! We're neighbors. It's hard to tell where that feeling comes from, even harder to help someone break free from it. Praying things worked out.
7:46 PM
stephanie said…
Thanks everyone for stopping by and for your words. :) So thankful for them.
12:17 AM
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