detachment, part 2 [living life without expectations]
As I practice my words here, and work
out what I am feeling and experiencing in my life through these words, I'm
recognizing the courage of emotionally connecting with myself is different from
emotionally connecting with other people.
For those to whom I feel the most
emotionally connected, it’s because I've sat next to them on a
couch and listened to them bear their soul. It’s because I've laughed
with them, done more than one face palm with them
and I've gently shoved them in the arm when they say something
bratty. It’s because I've sat across the table from them over
coffee or a meal and looked them in the eye as I've shared my own
struggles and pains. These moments, small and sure, fill in the cracks missing
from those who do not enter in to my space.
It was already easy to become
emotionally withdrawn from the world in order to protect myself. And technology
has not only made it even easier, but socially acceptable. With a text message,
I can edit if I want. Ignore it if I want. Others do the same to me. This
is how it is now.
There is a measure of this that can be
done in person, but you cannot ignore the person who is standing right next to
you and asking you a tough question. You can’t un-see the look on their
face, and the emotion in their eyes. But you can turn your phone off when
someone texts you a tough question.
“We expect more from
technology and less from each other…. And I believe it's
because technology appeals to us most where we are most
vulnerable. And we are vulnerable. We're lonely, but we're
afraid of intimacy. And so from social networks to sociable robots, we're
designing technologies that will give us the illusion of
companionship without the demands of friendship.”http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together
This is why we don’t answer some text
messages, emails, and facebook messages but still might think we are “good”
friends with that person. That is why we feel connected (because we can find
out what is going on with them by checking twitter, instagram or facebook) but
why we aren't really friends with these people until we've had
those real conversations. These real conversations are part of
the demands of friendship, and as long as we have the illusion of being connected
with a person, we will be lying to ourselves.
Yes. I said it. We are lying to
ourselves.
We are afraid to be vulnerable with
each other and social media and our phone have become our armor. Our lie.
"People get so used to being
short-changed with real conversation and so used to getting by with less that
they become almost willing to dispense with people all together." – Sherry
Turkle
I am calling for a new kind of
relationship, a new kind of friendship.
One where it’s ok that it’s
hard. Ok that it’s messy.
One where that feels good. And right. And
more importantly, better.
It’s better because it’s real.
This is what it means to be emotionally
connected. A refusal to detach from another and take
the courageous steps towards someone who has the capacity to
hurt you, but trusting that they will choose not to. And guess what? That is an
expectation.
Comments
Such good stuff Stephanie!
I think that I've come to the realization that I have more acquaintances than friends.
That said, I do think that changes in life seasons (as well as church seasons) often changes relationships. I first noticed it when my first wife died. Then again when I married again. The hardest realization was how many friends we lost touch with when Ann was disabled.
These days I am sticking with my mega-UMC flavored church not because I am happy with it, or it's $90m building project, but because I do not see the church the same way that I once did. Mostly I see the homeless mission close by or the medical clinic down the street aways as the true expression of the church. The place I attend on Sundays is simply a para-church expression of the Body of Christ.