Thursday, April 02, 2009

Disequilibration

Something is not right in my spirit right now. I don't know what that means, exactly, but I feel it in my gut. And I need to process.

What is disequilibrating to me, in my life, right now? My professor spoke about disequilibration in class a while ago, how Jesus used it to teach, how we much use it to teach. People tend to make the most progress when something doesn't makes sense, he said, because in it community is created.

Leaving community out of it for right now, let's focus on what kinds of affects disequilibration has on your life. For someone like me, it doesn't go over well, especially at first. I like being comfortable. I like safety. I do okay with change... as long as I know there is comfort right around the corner.

And I am learning that in order to follow Jesus I am never going to be comfortable again. And I just don't think I will be able to handle that.

I don't think I really know what is going on here. Actually, no. I do know what is going on here. It just might take me a while to write it out. The problem is my unwillingness to spend some serious time in repentance.

I am so tired of worrying about doing the right thing all the time.

I am so tired of people's opinion of me dictating my self-worth.

It is only through a "shocking" disequilibrating experience that the things you've struggled with for years to get to the point where you can't take them anymore. It is only in the unrest that we move forward. It is only in the breaking of our hearts and the noise over-taking our minds that change becomes evident.

After what I've been through in the last 5 weeks, it will be interesting to see what progresses from here.

3 comments:

meredith said...

welcome back! interesting that you are going through all this right now...since I am going through the similar struggle. i just had my tipping point this last weekend. i can feel the tide of change in my heart.

love you, cuz. praying his hand of grace & love on you right now.

Kansas Bob said...

Nice to see your sharing. We used to have a saying back in the world of software - we need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I think that growing in Jesus is all about getting out of our intellectual comfort zones and living from our sometimes scary hearts.. living from our own understanding is a pretty comfortable place to live.. living from our hearts - not so much.

Hope your weekend is a great one!

ptg said...

Blessed are the uncomfortable, for they shall be seated in the La-Z-Boy recliner.