Thursday, May 04, 2006

Not Being Good Enough

This is my greatest fear. At least according to this test.

I took it four years ago and that was my result: I am most afraid of not being good enough. And I remember thinking to myself, at least Russ was wrong, my greatest fear isn't rejection. Potato, potahto.

So I started to understand myself a little better as the result of this test, but I didn't know how to fix it. How do you overcome something that's followed you around for years, something you've overcompensated for over and over again, and something you didn't even realize was a fear in the first place?

What does it truly mean to be the best version of yourself? Or as Chambers puts it "Being my utmost for his highest"? Isn't this a journey every woman must take for herself? I know who I want to be, but is that attainable?

I've found that most people, women in particular, want to be themselves but are just as concerned (if not more so) with being what everyone expects of them. Instead of spending time discovering who God's wants us to be, we often focus on what the most important person to us wants us to be. And that puts a ridicules amount of pressure on the shoulders of this person.

But what really drives me crazy are the people who think what God wants from them is perfection. I know many "God-fearing" Christians that believe in their hearts God just wants us to follow his rules and that's it. Somehow, that is obtainable perfection to them. Never mind the matters of the heart, soul and mind. God just wants our actions to mimic his, what scripture says, and we're good, right? No.

What God wants is me. Not my lip service, not my actions of obligation, but me. Why? Because he created me to be someone specific, unlike anyone else who followed all his rules and unlike anyone else who doesn't follow his rules.

He wants me to be who he created me to be. And that person is never going to be good enough. If it was, the blood of Christ isn't necessary to cover my sin.

I was recently at a Third Day/David Crowder concert and Powell told a story about his daughter. One night his wife came to get him and said "Honey, you have to come and see." They went into their daughters room where she, all of 7 years old, was on her knees, crying. She's just accepted Jesus into her heart. Powell recounted how special the moment was to him because he misses so much being on the road. But the next morning his cynical side took over and he wondered "Does she really understand her decision? Does she really know what God's done for her?" And God spoke to him and said "Mac, you don't understand."

I may never fully understand who it is God wants me to be. I just know he wants me. He doesn't need me, but he wants me. And I will never be good enough. But I don't need to be, because God will love me anyway. If I do it his way, the blessings to follow will be far beyond my greatest hope.

What I'm listening to: Building 429's Space In Between Us

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