trauma and grace
Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible
event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event,
shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable
emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like
headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have
difficulty moving on with their lives. Psychologists can help these individuals
find constructive ways of managing their emotions.
It’s recently been acknowledged to me that what I’ve been
through in the last few months is an actual trauma. I didn’t go through a
terrible event, but rather a series of challenges that added up to a trauma,
according to my counselor.
So basically, for me, this just means that I’ve been
screwing up a lot lately. It has not been a good time for me to make decisions
or deal with the stress of transition and job change and moving. Plus so much
more. I mean, let's go down the list. Unpredictable emotions? Check.
Flashbacks? Everyday. Strained relationships? Several. Physical symptoms? Quite
a bit. Difficulty moving on? Hell yes.
I could use the excuse that this behavior is all about my
response to my situation. And there may even be some truth in that. But I also
make my choices. It’s important that I own what I have messed up. That I ask
for forgiveness where I need and that I work toward reconciliation with those I’ve
hurt. My response is all I have control over, and my response must be repairing
what’s been broken.
To be honest, I’m just so tired of feeling sad. I’m tired of
keeping record of wrongs (clearly my own sin), thinking about how many hours I spent with people
listening and supporting them through their hard times and now when things got
bad in my life and needed someone they weren’t there for me. This is part of my trauma. It’s no
sprained ankle, my counselor said. This is a car crash will multiple broken
bones. So to some extent, my choices are at the mercy of my trauma and how my
emotions are handling this trauma.
I guess what I’ve found to be most thankful for in this
whole process is the grace of Jesus Christ. When I don’t offer grace to myself
and others don’t offer grace to me, I always know that Jesus is extending his. To be honest, it’s all that is getting me
through.
Comments
Trauma is definitely the right word. I can relate to PTSD. Trauma hit me the first Saturday in May and I regressed to a similar previous traumatic event - I hated that I relived that old trauma. That said, it is very normal. Understanding the normality of it has helped me.
Even so, it is also appropriate to say that it sucks that Christians are sometimes so superficial and abandon us when we need them the most. I sometimes feel that this 'personal relationship' aspect of Evangelicalism has created a generation of religious narcissists. Religious takers can be so toxic.
On the flipside (is there one?) I continue to embrace the idea that God is even using religious a-holes to make me more like Jesus. Who he had to deal with a few a-holes himself. ツ
Much love to you sister, Bob
I'm still learning to love... still learning what it looks like to become more like Christ... This all feels like going backwards instead of forwards.
And I have found that the path forward always involves a few steps backward. ツ