never been here before

As I practice my words here, and work out what I am feeling and experiencing in my life through these words, I'm recognizing the courage of emotionally connecting with myself is different from emotionally connecting with other people.   For those to whom I feel the most emotionally connected, it’s because I've sat next to them on a couch and listened to them bear their soul. It’s because  I've  laughed with them, done more than one face palm with them and I've gently shoved them in the arm when they say something bratty. It’s because I've sat across the table from them over coffee or a meal and looked them in the eye as I've shared my own struggles and pains.  These moments, small and sure, fill in the cracks missing from those who do not enter in to my  space. It was already easy to become emotionally withdrawn from the world in order to protect myself. And technology has not only made it even easier, but socially acceptable. With a text message

I was standing in the kitchen across from her. She was sitting up on the counter and telling me about her latest group session class. The topic was detachment, and as I listening to her explain who it manifested itself in adult relationships, there was a small flutter in my stomach. That sounds like me. She didn’t disagree. Well… she didn’t say anything, like any good counselor in training would do, even though she wasn’t my seminary counselor. She was my roommate. I felt the burden settle ever so slightly on my shoulders and went about cooking dinner. We’re all closed off emotionally, to a point. I understand and believe that. We use it as a defense mechanism after being hurt. We believe it will prevent future pain, which leads us to believe our life will be better overall. We hold people at arm’s length, not trusting them until we are sure… but even then, maybe not fully trusting. This is understandable, but is it wise? These words are echoing in my mind

There are few things universal to the human experience. Heartache is one of them. We may feel it differently, process it differently, react differently… but make no mistake, we’ve all experienced heartache. And the thing about heartache is that no one wants to experience it, and we will do whatever we can to avoid experiencing it again once we’ve been through it before. We will run, deny, avoid, and even tell ourselves and others around us lies, all in some attempt to amputate the process of feeling the real hurt. Yet there is no topic written or sung about more. It happens. It just does.  Heartache is one of the many things we want to have control over in life. But we don’t. Still we try to exercise control over it by trying to numb the pain with alcohol, food, sex… anything that will make us feel good, even if just for a little while. And to deal with heartache in this way can lead us to very scary places, places that attempt to detach us from real life and real pain