Thursday, February 20, 2014

[o me of little faith]

When the time comes, I know. I sometimes jump too soon, but I try to trust my instincts more, as I’m told I often have good ones. So I jump. I jump while knowing it will end with a crash, hoping that I will be caught. You might even say it’s jumping with one eye open.

Sometimes it’s a mistake, sometimes it is not. Most often, it requires me to adjust my expectation.

I adjust rather than what I could do. Which is be vulnerable. Say what I need from them. And hope they eventually understand and maybe meet my expectations. But I mostly just assume that they won’t see it [me] as necessary [worth it].

*sigh* How long am I going to be here? In this place that makes me feel this way?

There is such fragile in-authenticity in this. Somehow it feels best, even easier, for me. (Though the tangle of emotions hardly makes it easier.) But my relationship with them is “easier,” because nothing is expected, because I don’t communicate. Nothing is expected because ultimately I believe I am wrong. I am wrong, my feelings are wrong, my fear is wrong. My expectations are too high. They are too much.

[i am not enough]

These are the words I am whispering to myself, my mind, my heart.

The heartache of not being part of something you wish you so desperately to be is REAL. Present. Consuming. Something I struggle to lay down. I carry it like a burden that can never be sent down. Perhaps because I am so stubborn. Perhaps because I can’t. Perhaps because I won’t. Perhaps because 

Perhaps because I don’t have enough faith.

Not in God, but in people. I don’t have faith people see me as worth it, as enough.  

So I  unfairly transfer the feelings I have about myself to those I am hurt by. Even more unfair is I don’t give them the chance to see it from my perspective, to make it right.

More unfair that I don’t give them the chance to be better. To learn from me.

[o me of little faith]


7 comments:

KC Bob said...

"because nothing is expected"

I can so relate to that Stephanie. I am so tired of being let down - especially by folks that sould know better. But then again, I find myself being surprised these days ny the way that friends are supporting me in such great way.

My neighbor across the hall recently gave me rides to see Ann in the hospital when the roads were so bad. Such a gift from a new friend.

PS: Wondering if you have heard of the book Pastrix?

Stephanie said...

What a sweet reminder for you, that you are not alone and God is caring for you through someone. :)

I have heard of the book. I've been a little hesitant to pick it up. I'm not much for progressive Christianity these days. It often feels agenda-based, which I just don't respond to.

KC Bob said...

Honestly Stephanie, most of the time my wife and I feel very alone in our life struggles.

stephanie said...

I am so sorry you feel that way, Bob. That breaks my heart. I will pray that a family of people comes alongside you makes you feel part of them. That you belong to them. That you are loved by them.

KC Bob said...

We do have a church community Stephanie. And we do have a couple of adult (33 & 29) children. Even so, I feel mostly alone. For example, this morning I was feeling really bad and had to take myself to the doctor and pharmacy. Ann feels bad because she cannot help. I feel bad because I cannot help her all that much when I am sick. And then there is ankle surgery that I may need.

A church friend told me that they would "be there" for us but they are prone to exaggerate. Friends are genuinely caring and want to help but, apart from them moving in with us, we mostly fend for ourselves.

I think that things like these are why people move into senior living centers. Ann is 61 and I am 64. We simply are not ready for that sort of communal living - yet.

Not sure any of that makes sense Stephanie but I wanted to share a bit more and give you an idea of what we deal with.

stephanie said...

Thank you for letting me know what you are struggling with. Sometimes it's the small things that all add up to a big emotion like feeling alone. I'm not one for trying to solve a problem in something that is really a prayer request. It also makes me wish I lived in KC near you so I could take you to the doctor. :/

KC Bob said...

I so appreciate that Stephanie. Yesterday was a rough day. I was not 100% (still not) yet needed to Ann in for kidney stones surgery and was waiting by myself at the hospital all day. I was glad I had my tablet and could connect with folks on FB and blogs. Mostly, has been my experience when Ann is in the hospital. Others (like clergy) some time "pop in" for a few minutes but I rarely have people who help me bear the burden of Ann's illness.

We are looking at making a substantial change this year that might help some of this. We are a the beginning stages and would appreciate your prayers for us.

Many blessings, Bob