Why I Feel Like a Coward Today

-
Today I did two important things... I called the housing director at Bethel Seminary and told her I would not be moving into the apartment they had reserved for me. Then I signed my financial aid package form, checked "No, I will not be attending Bethel Seminary and I reject all aids and grants", then mailed it.

I've been sad for the last couple of weeks with the startling realization that as a single woman, I have no idea how I can afford to go to seminary. The grants Bethel offered me were quite paltry and in their words, "It's based on your 2006 income." Which makes no sense to me, because I wouldn't have that same income as a student. So I'd be forced, as Bethel's MA program is three years, to take out about $50,000 in loans just to pay tuition and student fees. I'm starting to understand why it's best to go seminary right after undergraduate school, because most likely the grants offered would be a lot more because my income was next to nothing.

I could take out $50,000 in federal loans if I wanted to. Most people do. But in order to pay that back in the alloted time, I'd have to make a $300 a month payment. Honestly? I don't see how that's possible. I know what people who work in ministry make, and it's not enough to afford that plus all the other expenses life requires. I don't have the luxury of another income to help out with things like that. It's just me, and I have nothing to fall back on.

I've been reading about the high cost of seminary, and am not surprised some have the same experience as I.

Ministry and School Debt
Shortage or Shift?
Seminary Students Speak Out
One Man Ministry

I'm starting to feel like just another statistic of someone who wants to enter the ministry, even feels a called to it, and just can't afford to go to seminary. Since 95% of full-time ministry jobs in the church require a master's degree, what's a person to do? Ignore the debt, be a bad steward of their money, and be saddled with debt for 20 years?

It feels a little like this:

Living a life with a burden vs. living a life of regret.

I'm sure I sound incredible dramatic. That's where I'm at right now, and it's frustrating. I feel like the cowardly lion, who's been swat on the nose and instead of standing up I've run away.


If on courage
You must call
Then just keep on tryin'
And tryin'
And tryin'
You're a lion
In your own way
Be a lion

Come on be a lion
-from The Wiz, "Be a Lion"

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Dichotomy of Country Music

-
Image
I spent Sunday afternoon in our family farm's shop, refinishing a dresser I found at a local antique store. I'm a farmer's daughter, yes, and certainly what some would call a "country girl". But most who know me are surprised when they find this out about me. Maybe it's because my vocabulary doesn't include double negatives, or maybe it's because I don't like country music. Who knows. I need to have music on when I refinish anything. It keeps me in the groove and passes the time a little faster. I realized I'd forgotten the ear buds to my ipod, so I was stuck with the shop radio, where I was only able to get one station to come in. Of course, it was a country music station. (After all, I do live in Nebraska, where throwing a rocks ensures you to hit a country music fan.) I can put up with said music for a time, so I left the dial where it was and kept it low in the background. Then my ears perked a little when this came on: I am weak and he is...
Read more

A Dilemma for Good Friday

-
In my effort to build a Good Friday service with the theme of "by his stripes we are healed", I have hit a dilemma. Here is my order of service: Video “Resurrection” Reading of Isaiah 53 Crimson (Vocal Solo) Reading: John 18: 1-18 #302 Lamb of God 1, 2 Reading John 18: 19-40 #323 Alas! And Did My Savior Bleed 1, 2, 3, 5 Reading: John 19: 1-16 Love Song (Vocal Solo) Reading John 19: 17-42 #324 When I Survey the Wondrous Cross 1, 3, 4 Video “A Better Way” Cross Painting/Communion Prayer All of the readings have music in the background, mostly stuff from "The Passion" to create a mood of sorrow and awe at the same time. Both vocal solos are focused on Jesus very intentionally, as are the videos. For communion, my idea is to have a small bucket of paint sitting at the foot of the cross. As we all come forward for communion, we will have the chance to paint a stripe on the cross, to remind us of the price Jesus paid, the "stripes" if you will. During that ti...
Read more

Promise

-
Image
Wednesday night on my way to church for my last praise team rehearsal, I accidentally took my usual route, forgetting that two weeks ago my usual exit was closed for construction. So instead of taking an alternate route I ended up having to drive about 4-5 miles out of my way. And as I turned the corner and drove down this strange road I realized why. I was overcome with emotion. ( That tends to happen when I'm driving. ) I had to pull over, pause, take a picture and let my heart be filled. I don't think I've ever been so scared and so worried about anything in my life as I am about moving to St. Louis, starting a new job and beginning my seminary education. I'm not having second thoughts; I'm not even worried that I might have made the wrong decision. I'm worried about how I will adjust, and how I will make a new and completely different life for myself. I will be desperate for my home, my friends, my family and the comfort my current life provides. I am worrie...
Read more