never been here before

It was such a small thing. But it didn’t feel small. And then I realized… that was sort of the point. Lots of us have our online “community” of friends. People we interact with on facebook, twitter, etc, that we have not met in real life. We might someday, but for now, we’ve connected online likely because of similar interests or perhaps political views. Either way, it’s a community. It’s different from those in real life, of course, but it still feels faithful to call it a community. A new and large part of my online community comes from one thing we all have in common: the subscription to a magazine called Christ and Pop Culture . Part of subscribing is a membership to a private Facebook group where we interact on all things Jesus and pop culture related. From there, friendships are “formed” and twitter followings have begun. This is a story from that community. I suppose it started when Matt Poppe and I followed each other on Twitter. I have no clue who foll...

There's been a trend in the last few years talking a lot about the importance of authenticity. Which, of course, is nothing new. Churches have been having conversations about authenticity for the last 10 years at least, seeing that the new generation of adults attending church were turned off by big concerts and light shows that became so popular in the 90s. Brené Brown brought forth to us what living in shame does for our souls, and the culture around us continues to tell us to simply "be who we are, no matter what anyone else says". There are good things in this authenticity. For myself, it fed a certain part of my personality in some unhealthy ways. Earlier this year, I took a class where learning my Enneagram type was part of the experience. After I learned my type (I'm a 4) and meeting with a counselor about my test results for that and other personality tests we took, I was broken. The other tests I'd taken were nothing new to me, but learning...

I went through those double doors for the last time, and briefly paused as I heard the glass door rattle behind me as they latched. From what seemed out of nowhere, my heart filled with sadness and tears threatened to brim over as I realized the chapter I was closing in my life. For the last two and half years, this place was my Monday night home. I would go there for over two hours and wrestle with God’s word. And I got to do it with women who were wrestling just like me. This had become a sweet community, and especially in the last year, the community I desperately  needed to get through some extremely tough times. And this community that was a large part of why I chose to stay in Arizona when faced with that choice last summer. But now this is all coming to a close. I don’t know why the Lord wanted me in Tucson for the last 6 months. I don’t know why, when faced with the choice of Tucson or Kansas, that I felt like God wanted me to stay. But now I can tell you, th...

My new place of employment has a unofficial tag line. "No drama... no avoidance." Things are dealt with honestly and directly, and any drama is not tolerated. It's taken me awhile to adjust to this kind of environment. And I suspect it will take me a bit longer to find my footing in this. Hopefully not because I thrive on drama, but because I am just not used to things being dealt with directly and without avoidance. I don't know anyone who likes confrontation. That would make me question if they understand what confrontation means, or perhaps would make me question their sanity. But there are some people who at least understand that while confrontation is hard and challenging, it's also an opportunity. And it's healthy, certainly more so than the alternative. There's the phenomenon I learned about it one of my classes in seminary: triangulation. Triangulation is when a third party somehow gets involved in the brokenness between two people. It...

Chapter 14 is called Do Men Do Intimacy Differently? This is the longest chapter in the book, and the one all the women will run to in attempt to understand the men in their lives. Will it accomplish that? I’m not sure. The first sentence is one that struck fear in my heart: “Men move towards what makes them feel competent.” (pg. 187) Don thinks this is likely why men run from intimacy – because they don’t feel competent in intimate relationships. This struck fear in my heart because my immediate thought was, “I already have a lot of expectations on me, now I have to make sure men feel competent around me, too? Sheesh. Am I their mother?” But men aren’t bad at intimacy, he claims. He’ll talk about his feelings because that’s how his wife connects with him. But it is not something that comes naturally to Don, and most men. So men are led to believe they are bad at intimacy. This is closely tied to feelings of masculinity, because as men are drawn towards what makes them...

This pretty much sums up the last couple of weeks for me. It's the "reaching out and trying" part that hits me pretty hard right now. Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing It takes some time to see things through Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting We need grace either way Hold on to me I'll hold on to you Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying It's a vulnerable place to be Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby Only one makes you free Hold on to me I'll hold on to you Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through If we go looking for offense We're going to find it If we go looking for real love We're going to find it

Vulnerability and openness act as the soil that fosters security. (pg. 157) In chapter 12, Don writes about a friend who cheated on his wife when their children were very young.  He chose to tell them what he did, once they grew old enough to understand. He believed openness and honesty would bring intimacy, and that secrets wouldn’t. He gave his children the power to reject him, not forgive him. “There are no shadows in our family,“ his friend says. “We don’t hide anything. But that’s a tough place to get to. It takes work and it’s painful.” (pg. 160) I’ve seen firsthand what secrets can do to people. To friends. To family. It fosters gossip and rumors. Mistrust. Misunderstanding. And just so many hurt feelings. Because the truth comes out eventually. It may not be the full version of truth, if we insist on continuing to hide. But some or all measure of the truth comes out whether we want it to or not. This kind of half-truth secrecy is a major barrier to intimacy....

I remember being part of a ministry in college where we were trained to be mediators for our fellow students. We had a wonderful pastor and counselor train us during a weekend retreat each year. Showing us how to listen, how to manage conflict, how to do the hard things of life with our fellow students. Every year he gave us a poem. I have a copy in one of my scrapbooks. It’s about risk. I haven’t thought about it for a while, but I remember it having a profound effect on me, which is why I’ve kept it all these years. There is so much emotional risk in what we are doing in this life with each other. And because there is risk there is fear. I spent a lot of time in my thesis exploring fear for the learner and how it creates obstacles to learning. And sometimes even greater obstacles occur in fear-based learning in how the learner uses what they’ve learned. There are many contributing factors for transformational learning to take into account as a teacher – and one of the bi...

I’m just gonna be straightforward: I hate chapter 5. I hate it because it’s about change. And fear. I’m going through a lot of change in my life right now. Most of the relationships in my life have changed recently. My job is changing significantly. My job has always been a bit chaotic, and so I relied on my relationships to get me through. To be the steady part of my life…  the ease that I needed in the midst of a lot of unrest. And most of these relationships have shifted significantly or are simply gone. So the change in my life has been magnified by being alone with it all. Never have I felt so lonely. And never have I felt so scared. “What else keeps us from living a better story than fear?” Don asks. (pg. 41) Not all of chapter 5 is about fear. There is more stuff in the chapter that is painful, like his realization that our flaws are the way in which we receive grace. And that perfectionists think the world will only love them when they are perfect. But ...

After taking some time to process unsafe people in this post:  http://neverbeenherebefore.blogspot.com/2015/02/unsafe-people.html ...I’ve had to time to read more in the Cloud and Townsend book about what safe people look like, and more importantly, how to become a safe person. A safe relationship is one that draws us closer to God, draws us closer to others, and helps us become the real person God created us to be. This is a mere echo of discipleship, Cloud and Townsend say, knowing that our greatest call in life is to love God, love others, and grow into the person God created us to be.                                                           From pages 144-146 of “Safe People” by Henr...

“I’d have to know myself and be known.” – Donald Miller, Chapter 1, Scary Close. Sound familiar? I’m, of course, not accusing Don of plagiarizing me. That’s ridiculous. But when I read this, my heart stopped. Because it’s what in learned in 2013 after a very long and intense bible study. (Click HERE  to read that story) and then became the subject of the workshop I did at the 2014 Women2Women conference. And, subsequently, became the reason 2014 was one of the worst years of my life. Not because I let myself be known, exactly. But because those people, to which I loved the most and I let myself be known, left. There were only a couple of people that it really mattered to for me, which is why I chose them. And then it got too hard. I screwed it up. They screwed it up. We tried to move on, but it hasn’t really worked. Because when someone knows who you really are and they decide you aren’t worth it, that open heart you laid at their feet is no longer protec...

Sometimes I think this is how God works on a feeler. I was out on my back patio last night with a bottle of Nebraska wine and a friend and she said, “You’re being too sensitive.” She’s not an unsafe person, although I would guess this is an unsafe thing to say. I am sensitive. And I’m okay with that. I’m also okay with owning my feelings and trying to wade my way through them until I figure out what’s on the other side. I’m not planning on becoming hard again, like I used to be, just because it seems like it’s easier. So I’ll take being "too sensitive." And being too sensitive is not the worst thing in the world, as long as I don’t stay down in the mud pit and wallow there. But I do need to stay here long enough to understand what my sadness is teaching me. This year is a year I’m taking something on for Lent instead of giving something up. Aside from a couple of community service things I’m taking on, I had decided to take on one of the fruits of the spir...

People are more than the sum total of their unsafe traits…. Don’t confuse people with unsafe traits. Learn to identify what traits hurt you. * There is such a glorious raw and open wound that happens when you own your story. Glorious in its freedom and liberty. Raw and open in its vulnerability. What we’ve been through is part of who we are. These are the tiny little pieces we put together to help us try to make sense of why . Why we feel the way we do, why we do what we do, why we are drawn to who we are drawn to, why we hurt the way we hurt. When I feel like I can’t work and hustle anymore and I wait for something… anything… and nothing comes. The white buffalo evades. He’s really good at that. When someone fails to do what they told me they would do, it hurts.  If I’m honest with myself, this is just another form of rejection for me. When someone leaves even though they know they are needed by you, it hurts. The friendship manual we all...