never been here before

This is my last semester of seminary. And probably my most challenging and busy. I'm working 25 a week for the church, and am the TA grader for the head of the education department (which is about 5 more hours a week). I have 10 hours of classes (and not terrible easy classes, either) AND I have to do my capstone. Capstone is this school's choice for finishing up your master's degree. Some school have you do a thesis paper, which focuses on a single subject encompassing for field of study. CTS has us do a capstone, which involves assembling a portfolio of the last year a half of assignments and re-visiting them. Sometimes that means re-doing the project, sometimes it means reflecting on the assinment in light of experiences since then, or using Wiggin's F acets of Understanding , and perhaps using Bloom's Taxonomy to see the value of an assignment. There are various ways this can work. Then I write a paper on what my philosophy of education is, and give a presentat...

Something is not right in my spirit right now. I don't know what that means, exactly, but I feel it in my gut. And I need to process. What is disequilibrating to me, in my life, right now? My professor spoke about disequilibration in class a while ago, how Jesus used it to teach, how we much use it to teach. People tend to make the most progress when something doesn't makes sense, he said, because in it community is created. Leaving community out of it for right now, let's focus on what kinds of affects disequilibration has on your life. For someone like me, it doesn't go over well, especially at first. I like being comfortable. I like safety. I do okay with change... as long as I know there is comfort right around the corner. And I am learning that in order to follow Jesus I am never going to be comfortable again. And I just don't think I will be able to handle that. I don't think I really know what is going on here. Actually, no. I do know what is going on her...

There is nothing that shows me God's grace more that old reformed hymns. " Jesus Lover of My Soul " " Friend of Sinners " " Pensive Doubting Fearful Heart ". I love how they shows my need for grace as it reveals the sin in my heart. They reveal my incapability to do any good on my own, and reminds me to whom it is that I belong. I was part of a group in college that took a spiritual gifts test before we left to travel in a van together for the summer. We learned not only how our gifts manifest themselves, but also the misuses of the gifts. What was so remarkable about doing this study together is that when we saw a misuse of a gift, it allowed us to give more grace to the person. Not that their sin was any less of a sin, but it helped us understand where that person was coming from. This intense study in my Spiritual Ministry Formation class has done the same for me here at Covenant Seminary. In my understanding of how introverts and extroverts work, a...

One of the best things about Covenant Theological Seminary is the Spiritual Ministry Formation class. It is here where students in the MDiv and MAEM programs are subjected to personality test after personality test, then a serious amount of personal reflection in order to figure out and understand how God made you. Wednesday was the culmination of a 10-page paper with the results of all those tests and self-reflection in a 1-hour meeting with the professor. He meets with each student in his class for 1 hour to go over the paper and to give you ideas for your future ministry and resources as you develop your gifts. Here are some interesting results about my testing: My highest scoring spiritual gifts are teaching, shepherding and wisdom. I did not expect that. My Meyers-Briggs is INTJ, but I am only one point into the T. (Introverted-Intuitive-Thinker-Judge.) Being only one point into the Thinker side means I have just as much Feeling in me than I do a Thinker. I poured over and...

Ever heard of William Lobdell? Probably not. But you should now, because I found this article wonderful and fascinating. Lobdell is the author of Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America — and Found Unexpected Peace Some of you may be wondering why I am reading articles and books about a guy who lost his Christian faith. I am a seminary student, right? How is this article going to strengthen my faith? Well, it's not and it didn't. But what it did do was offer me insight into what those who've lost their faith go through, and that's always a fascinating topic. And the subject of our broken and fallen world is always an interesting topic, especially regarding the Catholic Church abuse scandals. Lodbell had the religion beat at the LA Times when the stories first broke. The article is long, but absolutely worth it. Here's a taste: In late 2001, I traveled to Salt Lake City to attend a conference of former Mormons. These people ...

There are so many thoughts accumulating as I've entered this new life. So many. But I will start here: In the second year of King Darius, on the first day of the sixth month, the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai to Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest: This is what the LORD Almighty says: "These people say, 'The time has not yet come for the LORD's house to be built.' " Then the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai: "Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?" Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Gi...

Wednesday night on my way to church for my last praise team rehearsal, I accidentally took my usual route, forgetting that two weeks ago my usual exit was closed for construction. So instead of taking an alternate route I ended up having to drive about 4-5 miles out of my way. And as I turned the corner and drove down this strange road I realized why. I was overcome with emotion. ( That tends to happen when I'm driving. ) I had to pull over, pause, take a picture and let my heart be filled. I don't think I've ever been so scared and so worried about anything in my life as I am about moving to St. Louis, starting a new job and beginning my seminary education. I'm not having second thoughts; I'm not even worried that I might have made the wrong decision. I'm worried about how I will adjust, and how I will make a new and completely different life for myself. I will be desperate for my home, my friends, my family and the comfort my current life provides. I am worrie...

Today I had an admissions interview with Covenant Seminary. After the disappointing financial aid package I received from Bethel Seminary, I went through a sort of "grieving process". My heart was set on Bethel for a number of reasons, and when I received a total of $600 in financial aid for a school that would cost $60,000, there was no way I could go. My five stages: Denial: They are kidding, right? There is no way this package is "need-based". I'm just getting so little because I applied late. A phone call to the financial aid office set me straight. That was all the planned to offer me. Anger: You've got to be kidding! This is ridiculous. Who can afford to take out that many loans? Is this because I'm a woman? Because of my age? Because I'm from Nebraska? No one said grief was a rational process. (I didn't really think that last one, but right now it feel appropriate to be a martyr in this state. Sorry little Huskers.) Bargaining: Okay, God...

Last week I went through extremely patchy internet service, with most nights not being able to connect at all. It wasn't my modem, Charter said, and it took them a week to get someone here to fix it. I'm really glad I can go to the office after hours and get done what I need to get done online, because I don't know what I would've done without that option. So, it looks like I'm back to a somewhat stable internet connection tonight. After the Charter technician was here for an hour and a half this morning, he swore he fixed it. Time will tell. I've never been a fan of Charter Communications, but they are the only non dial-up choice in town. Last Wednesday I met with a local pastor I'd met briefly a year ago through the Midwest District of E-Free Churches. With a paid staff of 23 and an insurmountable number of volunteers, they may not be a mega-church but they are close. As much as I dislike the idea of mega-churches, if I've heard my call from God corre...

Today I did two important things... I called the housing director at Bethel Seminary and told her I would not be moving into the apartment they had reserved for me. Then I signed my financial aid package form, checked "No, I will not be attending Bethel Seminary and I reject all aids and grants", then mailed it. I've been sad for the last couple of weeks with the startling realization that as a single woman, I have no idea how I can afford to go to seminary. The grants Bethel offered me were quite paltry and in their words, "It's based on your 2006 income." Which makes no sense to me, because I wouldn't have that same income as a student. So I'd be forced, as Bethel's MA program is three years, to take out about $50,000 in loans just to pay tuition and student fees. I'm starting to understand why it's best to go seminary right after undergraduate school, because most likely the grants offered would be a lot more because my income was nex...

I've been busy hyperventilating.

Word's gotten around at church about my application to seminary. Last week two people mentioned it, then this week four did. I imagine the senior pastor brought it up at the last board meeting, in order to discuss what they would do if I left - whether to look for someone within the church, or to hire outside the congregation. Those that mentioned it to me were excited and positive, but each time someone brought it up, my heart sank. And I've had to stop and ask myself why my reaction was what it was. I'm not trying to keep it a secret. I told the pastor and the ministry committee last fall it could be a possibility. But I really didn't want anyone to know - and I am remembering now as I type that I did the same thing when I picked up the guitar. I told my dad and four months later I stood in front of the congregation to lead worship with it and everyone was surprised. And I know exactly why I kept the guitar a secret - just like I'm certain of why I didn't wa...

I've been avoiding this entry for a long time. But I've decided to finally face the music, suck it up and just type. Do I want to be a pastor? I've been asked that a lot in the last several months. Since I was in high school I've had a few church members tell me they think I should be, so sure, it's always been in the back of my mind. But just because a few people told me that years ago? And a few people are telling me today? Does that really mean anything? I don't know. But as I continue to dialogue with those closest to me, I am being pushed further and further and deeper into the meaning of this question - the meaning of this calling. Do I want to be a pastor? Since those few church members mentioned the possibility to me all those years ago, my gut reaction was always "no". And as I'm being asked the question more recently, my gut reaction is kicking in and I am once again saying "no". I've put this post off because for several we...

My aunt and I spoke for quite a while more - an opportunity I'd been praying for since we decided to go on this trip together. Thankfully it was given to me: the chance to share with her God's never-ending love no matter the sin. The love that spurs me to gratefulness - away from sin not towards it. I shared with her from Galatians 3 "Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith." The law is not based on faith; on the contrary, "The man who does these things will live by them." Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: "Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree." He redeemed us in order that the blessing given to Abraham might come to the Gentiles through Christ Jesus, so that by faith we might receive the promise of the Spirit." I even told her about Martin Luther, the 95 Theses , the birth of the reformation and told her that reading Roman...

Last week I traveled to Kansas City and then on to St. Louis to visit two very interesting and two very different seminaries. Why seminary? Well, it happened sometime after this . I remember glancing through church job descriptions in order to make sense of this "thing" that was burning inside me, and I realized that every job that looked really great required a master's degree. So thus began the research. St. Paul School of Theology intrigued me for two reasons: the urban setting and the diversity of the student body. Both were confirmed after my visit. The school itself is very nice - the campus is lovely and well-keep (and quite small), the buildings are beautiful, they have the very latest in technological equipment in each class room, yadda, yadda. That is all very nice. But what I really loved was the dynamic range of ethnicity, age and background of the students on campus. I had lunch with two really great people - Laura and Joel. Current students both extremely in...

America is the culture of overchoice. When faced with what should be a simple decision, the amount of time we spending weighing the pros and cons of each option is rarely worth the ulcer we got in the meantime. Tall or grande? Non-fat or low fat? Quality or quantity? Chicken or fish? DSL or Wireless? Mac or PC? (don't even think of saying PC) Digital cable or satellite? Destktop or laptop? Having so many choice to make in our everyday lives can make us feel entitled to having just as many choices with the major decisions in our life. I guess there is nothing wrong with having so many choices in those major decisions, but for me it often serves nothing more as an excuse to put the decision off. I am looking at five different schools right now. I'll be visiting two next week - one in KC and the other in St. Louis. Neither I'm that excited about, because the other two have the better degrees I want. But they are far, far way from home. So I have a choice: What will make me ha...

God doesn’t called the qualified… he qualifies the called. It’s a favorite saying in my current circle of friends and while I appreciate the sentiment, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the attitude of "throwing caution to the wind" because I fear this saying can promote that. So here comes a fundamental question: "How do you know when you’re called?" There is a necessary amount fear that goes along with being called. The fear of not being good enough, the fear of not knowing how it will end up, the fear you are going to really screw it up, the fear that we really have no idea what we are doing. (i.e. faking it). I believe fear is necessary because there is something to be said for a reality check. There is such a thing as righteous fear – in the same sense there is a righteous anger. It’s all about doing the right thing. My pastor in college once told me "Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it right." It is in the same manner we should judge our ...