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Chaos and My Teachable Moment

2012-02-01T21:43:00.001-06:00

... And Ashton's meltdown began.

We were frosting cookies for the nightshift at the police station tonight. We were doing this as a thank you for all their amazing work keeping us safe.(Which means a lot in our town.) Ashton had used his knife once as a sword. I gave him a warning "It will be taken away if you use it as a sword again." 5 seconds later out came to sword and I became the bad guy.

Working with kids was never something I’ve been drawn toward. I had some horrible babysitting experiences as a kid that traumatized me. Kids were always the aliens I never wanted to deal with after that. But this job has thrust me into that arena, as I’m over all the education of the church from nursery to adults. More than once I’ve doubted my skill, but I never doubt what God is doing. I try my best to just step back and let he Holy Spirit do his thing, because the good Lord knows I don’t have a clue what to do with kids.

But tonight have a 7-yr. old boy’s snot on my shirt and I am glad for that.

After Ashton’s meltdown of tears began, I asked Gayle to watch the class as they continued frosting their cookies and I took Ashton into the hallway and asked him to talk to me. His tears were more than just me taking away his sword. He had “the worst day ever’” because all of his friends made fun of him (expect Evan, the son of a couple in my small group) and because he had to quit baseball. “And all I wanted to do was frost cookies for the police offers!” he wailed.

He grabbed onto me and cried and cried. I hugged him back and did my best to sooth his tears. Once he seemed to get most of it out, I said some things that I hoped were comforting. Then I took his hands, looked him in the eye and said that he should talk to his mom after we were done about how he was feeling and that even though he couldn’t frost any cookies, he could eat one just like everyone else. Then we had a game to play.

When we returned, Seth and Evan had frosted his cookie to eat, and frosted his two cookies to give to the police officers. I could not have been more moved by their kindness.

After the game, two police officers came to talk to the kids about what they do and how it’s important they do their job well. They showed the kids a police car which was the “coolest thing ever”. The chaos of frosting cookies and having the police officer there made the night a little nutty! The kids went crazy with all the special fun. (This was not a normal Wednesday night…) All I could do was smile and be thankful for that.

Tonight’s bible lesson was on Cain and Abel, and how God cursed Cain for killing his brother. The lesson was “God cares what we do.” I saw that in action from some very active and precocious young boys who sometimes make me want to pull my hair out. The frosted cookies were to help us live out the lesson, but those boys were already living it out with Ashton. It took everything in me to not let Ashton frost cookies because I knew that’s what he wanted. Crying kids break my heart.

After the night was done, I talked to Ashton’s mom and she said they had indeed had a rough day. (It’s tough to be 7!) I then pulled Evan and his mom aside and told him how proud I was that he was Ashton’s only friend that didn’t make fun of him.

I got a whole lot of grace in the midst of some crazy chaos. Not the kind of grace you need when you screw up, but the kind of grace you need when you doubt everything about yourself and God reminds you: “I got this.”

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2 Coronthians, here I come...

2012-01-12T17:29:00.001-06:00

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A Look Back

2012-01-02T16:43:00.006-06:00

I've not been one for looking back over the year on New Year's Eve. I don't know why.

This year, it seemed that's all anyone was doing. Twitter and FB posts, my google reader... everywhere I look online I see people in reflection. I don't believe in coincidences, so I started my own reflection. I realized it’s something I haven’t done much of this year at all. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for reminding me of this critical and important aspect of life.

2011, in so many ways, was extra hard.

The milestones:

-It was the first time I’ve lived more than a day’s drive from family.

-It marked my first year of full-time vocational ministry.

-It marked my first time preaching.

-It marked my first time hiring someone (a youth director).

-It marked my first full year as a home-owner.

-It marked the first time I finished an adult Sunday School curriculum and was taught by someone other than me. (17 weeks long. Wow.) Then I did another one for 6 weeks that someone else taught. I loved this so much.

It marked my first jr. high lock-in. (I’ve done high school) and what a joy it was. But I was really tired. Might need to add it to the Murtaugh list. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murtaugh_(How_I_Met_Your_Mother))

The sadness:

-The death of Christopher, a very important person in my life. http://stephanienels.posterous.com/2011/01/2010-moment.html

-It marked the passing of 10A in the PC(USA) which I believe will tear the denomination apart. This saddens me.

-It marked the significant mourning, on my part, of living so far away not just from family but from those friends nearest and dearest to me. It really marked the year of some serious, bad-ass homesickness.

-It marked the death of a classmate, which forced a significant reflection on my high school experience. http://stephanienels.posterous.com/memory-lane.

-The firing of two volunteers at the church. Worst thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know it was the right thing to do both times.

-It marked the year of my realizing something really big about my life: I need people in my life who don’t just need something from me. I need people in my life that care for me, too. I’ve lived a long time without the latter. Ministry just sapped everything out of me so I could no longer function without someone giving back to me.

What I’ve learned about me:

-I don’t spend nearly enough time in prayer, and I’ve noticed that why I do spend a large chunk of my morning on it, I get so much accomplished during the day.

-I lean to the negative in my leadership style. This is not good. 2012 will be spent combatting that, with my attitude constantly in check

-I am really, really sensitive. I mean, really. I always knew I was. This was the year my sensitivity exploded in a thousand directions and hit me and everyone in face a number of times.

-I am so much better at not passing the buck than I used to be. Yay me.

-I realized that in the midst of all this really hard ministry stuff, that we make sacrifices in following God’s call in our lives. I don’t want this to come across as arrogant, but as a simple matter-of-fact statement. I had to live my life this way this year. It was hard. I won’t sugar coat that.

All in all, I’m very glad 2011 is over. But it was not without its beauty in the mess. That is, after all, how God works.

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Being the One Waited For

2011-12-26T21:07:00.002-06:00

I stepped off the airplane and moved down the ramp with my luggage. I flew into Grand Island, NE this time, a small town with an even smaller airport. As I walked toward the single gate, I see my dad right in front, looking and waiting for me to get there. He hugs me, grabs my luggage away from me and we head out to the car.

After we're buckled in and on the road, his cell rings. He answers and I hear my brother's voice say "Has she landed yet?" I laugh at the tone of his voice. Our plane was 30 minutes late, but I knew Randy was impatient for my arrival. He's always been that way.

After a few minutes, my dad hangs up the phone and tells me that Randy has prepared a vehicle for me to drive for the week if I need it; being from a family of farmers we rarely have a shortage of extra pick ups and SUVs around. He asked if I wanted to pick it up on the way or if Randy should take it up to the house. I told him we could simply stop by the shop to pick it up to save him a trip. (After all, it is a 12 mile drive.)

Dad and I made our way through town with Mom's list of things to do before we came home on the dashboard in front of me. We stopped at my brother's bank (he's a fancy VP there) and dropped off some cookies for his co-workers. I needed to stop at Walgreens to get the liquids that wouldn't fit into my quart-size bag on the flight. Lunch stop at Valentino's (my favorite pizza!) and we were finally on our way home.

I realized something I've never thought about before: Jesus is not the only one people wait for during the Advent season. I was someone my family had waited for, too. All the preparations had been made, from the flight pickup, to the car, to the sheets on the guest bed being cleaned. I hadn't been home since last Christmas. In some ways, it felt like it had been forever. In others, it felt like I never left.

As we get older, move away from home and establish a life separate from our families, coming "home" feels different. I waited for it, desperately homesick, needing a break from ministry and from Arizona. I needed a break from people needing me, and I needed to be in a place where I could just be me, and not the one others expect me to be. I am blessed that my family gets that. They get me. They even made preparations for me and waited for me.

Not everyone gets that. How blessed am I?

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12 by 12 update

2011-12-09T16:43:00.004-06:00

Not doing so well...

1) Fix the painting in my bedroom. (I've taken the painters tape in the bedroom. That's as far as I've gotten)

2) Make a new embroidery sign for Christmas décor. Done. Photo below.

3) Paint an accent wall in my office at work. (Not gonna happen)

4) Go up to Flagstaff or Sedona to spend some time in the snow. (Not gonna happen)

5) Finish another movie curriculum. (Not gonna happen)

6) Read two more books. 1: Don’t Waste Your Life by Piper. Done. 2: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson. About 3/4 done

7) Try at least 4 of the things here: http://pinterest.com/stephanienels/houshold-tips/

-Corkboard inside my cabinets. Love it.

-Homemade Laundry Detergent. Verdict: I’m not entirely sure it works as well, so I may do some recipe adjustments for the next batch. But I also tried the dry mix. I like it MUCH better than the liquid. Easier to make, less messy and seems to lasts longer.

-Homemade counter top cleaner. I don’t sure how “clean” it makes my counter tops (though I did read that rubbing alcohol works as a disinfectant,) but it definitely makes them smooth!

-Saving a drawer by using a mag holder for your saran wrap and ziplock bags. This was a “two birds with one stone” for me. I saw how someone took a box, cut it and covered it with paper to make a virtually free magazine holder. So I did both.

8) Clean out the garage. Done.

9) Get my address book in order. In process

· I started using Google Docs for this, once I found a free address book template online.

10) Finish decorating my home office (I did som furniture re-arranging, but that's it)

11) Finish changing out all the polished brass doorknobs in my house. Done

12) Fix my weedeater. Done;

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The Hush of Advent

2011-12-01T11:33:00.003-06:00

I'm teaching a two-part series on Advent on the 11 and 18th of this month, so I've been studying, writing, and researching about the history of advent, the scriptures associated with advent, and how the church practices (or often, doesn't) it. I write a lot of curriculum. It’s part of my job; it’s what I love and a big part of what I am called to do. But this one has been tough. I’ve had a hard time motivating myself to get it organized. I’m put it off in lieu of other things. I have not been able to sit down and write this one easily. And it took me a while to understand why.

On the Meyer’s Briggs personality test, I am an INFJ. When I first tested for this in seminary, I was borderline N/S and F/T. Then when I had to do my family genogram (http://www.genopro.com/genogram/) for my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I discovered something very interesting. I had my immediate family all take the Meyers Briggs and the rest of my family all tested as S’s and as T’s. My counseling professor (Dr. Zink) told me this is why I am on the borderline of both N and F, saying that I was probably naturally an N and F, but my environment (i.e. family) forced me into acting more like an S and a T. (Then, of course, I recall how Dr. Zink told me those were the two that are the hardest to be different from your family. Story of my life – once a black sheep, always a black sheep.)

What does this have to do with Advent? Weirdly enough, snow.

Those of you who’ve read my blog for a while know the love affair I have with snow. It’s God’s cruel joke that he called me to a church in southern Arizona, because of how much I love snow. I love that after the beautiful fall colors fade to brown, snow blankets the earth with sparkly white jewels than shine in the sun. Snow settles the earth down, because people don’t like to drive in the snow (it’s dangerous). They don’t go outside (because it’s too cold). Snow makes the word stop. So it should be with my heart and Advent.

I think there is some beauty with Advent being the start of the church calendar and it’s a season of waiting. “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;” – Ps. 37:7

We are called to wait for the revealing of God’s will in our everyday life. The season of Advent is about celebrating the second coming of Jesus, which hasn’t come yet. So we wait. Advent is not part of Christmas. It’s preparation for Christmas. It’s preparation for his arrival. Because I’m introverted, I prepare in a “put my head down” kind of way. I’d much rather be in my head, think it all through, then carefully work through it outside myself. I don’t always get that luxury, but that is my preferred way of functioning.

This is where I am making the connection – the “S” side of me (the sensing side, which prefers experience over intuition, the concrete over the subjective.) In other words, the things which use our 5 senses: touch, smell, site, hear, taste. For me, seeing snow sends me inside… it makes me quit and reflective. Snow does, in many ways, represent a kind of death for me. The bugs die, the plants die, the grass dies. My environment of snow is a way the sensing side of me triggered my heart and mind to become reflective. Snow is a way the world is hushed.

But here in Arizona, the season of Advent is when you go outside. It’s 70 and beautiful. The sun shines, it’s finally comfortable weather after 6 months of 100 degree temps. This is not the time southern Arizona calms down. This is the time it comes alive. Winter visitors come in droves, traffic picks up, tons of bicyclists hit the road. This is not a quiet time for Arizona. And my brain, after years of living in the snow in December, is wired to shut down this time of year. And I realized this is always helped me celebrate Advent properly.

So this season of Advent feels very strange to me. My first winter here I had so much on my plate at work that I barely got through the season and survived. This year, I was in a position where I could delegate more work, and therefore, have more time to focus on the things in my gifting and strengths. And here I am… struggling with one of my strengths. All because there is no snow.

Ok, well not “all”. I’m pretty sure I have some fault in this. I need to figure out another way to quiet myself. I should, anyway, even if I do live in a place where it snows. Snow just made it easier for me. Now I’ve just got to do some hard work.

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Birds and Bees from Kaldis... A little slice of St. Louis in the desert. Thanks Carmen!!!!

2011-11-12T11:03:00.001-06:00

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Baking Soda to the Rescue

2011-10-29T02:39:00.001-05:00

I’ve been on pinterest for several months now, enjoying the way it helps me organize the ideas I find online as well as using it as a source of inspiration for many things. I’ve also discovered it to be a great motivator to get things done. So, basically, I win on every count. J

Today I was frustrated when I took one of my sauté pans out of the dishwasher and discovered it looking dirty, used and abused, unlike the rest of my pot and pan set. Several weeks I found a tip on pinterest about cleaning old sheet pans with baked on grease by using hydrogen peroxide and baking soda. I tried it, it worked. And I really LOVE using baking soda around the house. It’s cheap and totally does the job on anything you use it on. So I decided to try this combo on my sauté pan to see what would happen.

See the full gallery on Posterous

Oh my goodness. GROSS!

Can you see all of the bits and peices in the mixture? My pan is grooved, so I've always had to scrub pretty hard to get it completely clean, plus sometimes putting in the diswasher to make sure. Now I understand I have to be much more agressive with my cleaning of it!

But here it is, all shiny and new looking!

Yay.

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12 by 2012 update

2011-10-28T21:47:00.004-05:00

1) Fix the painting in my bedroom (my mom messed it up when she was helping me and I've never taken the time to do it)

2) Make a new embroidery sign for Christmas decor

3) Paint an accent wall in my office at work.

4) Go up to Flagstaff or Sedona to spend some time in the snow.

5) Finish another movie curriculum (I might be pushing it on this one...)

6) Read two more books.

7) Try at least 4 of the things here: http://pinterest.com/stephanienels/houshold-tips/

8) Clean out the garage.

9) Get my address book in order.

10) Finish decorating my home office (but i can't buy the chair for it yet.... still saving!)

11) Finish changing out all the polished brass doorknobs in my house.

12) Fix my weedeater.

_________________________________________________________

About two weeks I decided to join of community of people working on "12 Things to Finish by 2012". I've not done too bad so far.

For 1 of the 4 in #7 I tried this:

And I totally think I'm going to love it.

I realized I wasn't going to be able to do #12 (fix my weedeater), but I did by a new one, at a pretty decent cost ($30). I used it last weekend and it worked great, so I think I made a good choice.

Today I finished #11 (finish replacing all the polished brass doorknobs in my house), thank goodness. The brass was starting to make me squint. I had a lot of brass doorknobs in this house, so over the course of the last several months, I've bought one or two as I've gone into Lowe's to get other things. This helped with the initial payout, which could have been over $150. Ouch.

Today I went shopping for the ingredients to do another on my #7 list (making my own detergent), but struck out. I talked to a friend who used to do it and she told me the only store in town that carries everything I need was at the opposite end of town. So I’m waiting until Sunday, when I will be in that area for my small group. I am hoping that one goes well, because I may be able to save HUGE.

I've started #2 (make a new embroidery sign for Christmas decor) - the design in done and the embroidery work is started. And for one of my two books I'm reading Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life" and I'm about 1/2 done. (It's a skim read, though, as it's basically a rehash of a lot of his other writing.)

So I'm doing ok on the little stuff. The big stuff will be harder, especially as the holidays approach.

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The Winds of Change

2011-10-23T23:35:00.003-05:00

I grew up in a very conservative Evangelical-Free Church, graduated from a mildly conservative Christian college. I then went back and served that church for 9 years as the Worship Director before finally landing in seminary, sure of my call to vocational church ministry in education.

I chose a seminary quite conservative both theologically and socially, because the story of my life is that I don't do anything easy. My time there challenged my thinking and I came out socially more liberal than I went in, and quite a bit more reformed theologically than I went in. (Which is not necessarily more conservative. I'm realizing how far from mainline evangelicalism the seminary took me. In many ways, I'm hardcore reformed, which I would not equate with evangelicalism.) The conservative theology there, if anything, made me better at critical thinking. Because when you don’t agree with everything that’s said and are like me and have a hard time shutting up about it, you have to get pretty good at articulating your position.

So, basically, my liberal friends would call me conservative. My conservative friends would call me liberal. It's often a confusing place to be.

The seminary is one that does not believe in ordaining women, whether as pastors, deacons or elders. Some churches in the denomination will allow women to be deacons, but will “commission” them rather than “ordain” then. (In order to avoid the biblical command that woman should not have authority over men.) To me, this is just semantics. But I do understand where they are coming from is allowing women to be deacons based on scripture.(Pheobe) All the other stuff? Well, I have no desire to get into that now. I have a list of books that helped shape me for you to read if you want. J

Here’s where I’m going with this: while I’m okay with women as deacons and elders (a woman’s voice in a session meeting can be a positive thing) I never want to be a pastor. However, I’m discovering something about myself that could potentially blow my whole world apart.

This June and this last week, the senior pastor asked me to fill the pulpit. His reasoning for both were intentional: in June, he wanted a focus on education and I gave the message right before VBS week. This week was halfway into a stewardship series and he wanted me to broaden the scope to stewardship by talking about giving our time and talents, not just our money, to the church. He also is trying to not “be” the church – wanting the congregation to see that the staff has other people who can fill the pulpit. (We have a parish associate who occasionally preaches, as well as a staff person in the CLP program).

Both times I gave the message I got raves. And I’m trying not to be prideful here, but many more than just a handful of people spoke so highly of my preaching, that even days later I’m getting emails, voicemails, and notes from people about how much they were affected by it.

I also recognize that sometimes having a break from the regular preacher is why a guest has a great impact. But the words I’m hearing – from both “woman can’t be preachers” people and “woman can do whatever they want” preachers – are the same. Simply pure, unadulterated gushing.

Here’s the kicker for me: I love preaching. I love the process, the study, the formulation of a message, the practicing, the delivery on Sundays… the whole thing. I love it. Not because it’s an ego “I’m in the spot light” thing (because in my old age I really kinda hate being the center of attention). But I’m loving it because:

1.) I’m good at it and 2.) studying God’s word is fun and 3.) I’m seeing God work.

In this, I’m sensing a wave of change coming my way. It scares me and it excites me. I will probably get some de-friends out of the deal (my fellow PCA seminary grads) yet at the same time, one of the most valuable things I learn at said seminary is how God gives us a passion for what we are good at and what we are called to do. As I wrote the sermons, as I talked with people after about it, there was one simple thing running through my mind, “How can me preaching be sinful if people are hearing God’s word more clearly ?” The only conclusion I can come to is this: it’s not. But I also see preaching a sharing, and not me having authority over anyone in the church. The state of my heart is that I am not in authority. I’m just using the mind and heart God gave me to further his kingdom. I hardly count myself as someone with authority in the scripture. I just count myself as someone redeemed by Christ and gifted at sharing God’s word with others.

I don’t know if preaching regularly is in my future. Right now, I’m living in the tension of never wanting to be a pastor, yet being really good at preaching. I do know that when I do teach and preach, I must make sure I do so without usurping the authoirty of the leadership of the church. What God will do with all this is a mystery to me. I just know I'm feeling the winds of change and I'm try not to freak out about it.

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12 before 2012

2011-10-15T22:54:00.001-05:00

I got this idea over at http://www.ohhellofriendblog.com/ and although i might be crazy to try it, I'm going for it anyway.

My list of twelve before 2012:

1) Fix the painting in my bedroom (my mom messed it up when she was helping me and I've never taken the time to do it)

2) Make a new embroidery sign for Christmas decor

3) Paint an accent wall in my office at work.

4) Go up to Flagstaff or Sedona to spend some time in the snow.

5) Finish another movie cirriculum

6) Read two more books

7) Try at least 4 of the things here: http://pinterest.com/stephanienels/houshold-tips/

8) Clean out the garage

9) Get my address book in order

10) Finish decorating my office (but i can't buy the chair for it yet.... still saving!)

11) Finish changing out all the polished brass doorknobs in my house

12) Fix my weedeater

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Smugness and Ministry

2011-09-15T01:27:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago I met with a group of just-post-college young adults in our church. Some of them had expressed a frustration with there being no place for them to connect with people in their season of life. I decided it would be helpful to meet with several who I believed would end of being a core group if a new ministry would start. I spent the evening asking them ambiguous questions such as "What inspires you?" "What challenges you?" "How do you learn best?" in an effort to figure out what they needed if a new ministry would start for their age group. (I already knew what most of them wanted... but sometimes what we want isn't what we need.)

Unbeknownst to me, the woman who previously held this job has been trying to start a ministry at the college in town, and had formed a steering committee of people from the church to meet with. This had been going on for a while, but I didn't find out about it until two days before I was having the young adults of our church over to my home.

A couple that is on this steering committee talked with me tonight after church, telling me they met before dinner tonight and talked with some of the same people I did, asking for their thoughts on a ministry. (Even though these people are post-college and so, obviously they do not attend the college here in town.) Apparently this meeting turned into a discussion of what could be done for the young adults at our church... and what was said by a former elder was this. "I think we should go with what Stephanie has going. And let this die." The young adults and a few others in this meeting agreed with him. I guess that’s how the meeting ended.

I realize it’s not my fault this steering committee didn’t communicate with me. And that annoys me a little, but I also understand it doesn’t really have anything to do with my job, especially if it’s separate from our church (they want to meet on campus) and also because we’ve never had a college ministry at this church and who it would fall under staff-wise is not determined. When I spoke with the senior pastor last week about the results of the meeting at my house, he said this potential ministry should be separate from the college ministry they are working on, because the demographic is different, the purpose is different, plus they were running into lots of obstacles in getting it up and running. But I didn’t expect the consensus of the former elder and several others in the meeting to be that we (meaning, the church) should do it my way and not her way.

My first thought? I was smug. Not because they are trusting me… that was pretty humbling, honestly. But because the woman who started all this, the woman who used to do my job, really dislikes me because I wouldn’t let her do a Beth Moore study in the church and since that happened, she hasn’t spoken to me.

Many people have told me about her and the way she ran things. Unfortunately, not a single positive comment has ever been said. And after the Beth Moore thing, the comments in this meeting (first spoken by someone I know she really respects and likes) must have stung. And that? Made me feel smug.

Oh, the ugly side of confidence rearing its head. Yikes. I still feel it a bit, because her behavior toward me is ridiculous and immature. Yet all I want to do it stick my tongue out at her and change “neener, neener, neener. I’m better than you are.” So, you know, that’s way better.

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Homesick

2011-08-01T23:56:00.002-05:00

I found myself caught off-guard tonight as I looked at a photo my friend Jim posted on facebook of his new baby boy. The next photo was one of him, his wife and he now oldest son, sweet, smiling and happy. I began to tear up.

Three people my second year in St. Louis changed me, and he was one of them. Not because of anything in particular he did, but because of a shared experience we had. These three people mean the world to me, and yet our shared experience was just that: a shared experience. We haven't really been in touch since I moved to Arizona... just a few emails and some ichating, and the occasion twitter convo.

I long to be back in that experience with them.

I recognized the feeling. The feeling of homesickness. The feeling of love, protection and support you get from being around those who understand you. I know that's rare for many people, and perhaps even a bit more so for me. I've lived a somewhat transient lifestyle. From Nebraska to Kansas to Colorado back to Nebraska to Missouri to Arizona. Probably somewhat unusual for someone my age. Right now, I don't really have a place I can call home. But I find my home in the people who changed me, the people who get me... and as I ponder this more and more, I'm realizing it's the people who don't demand things from me, but just love me and support me for who I am.

Sure that a lot of this is coming from where I am at in my life right now, I can't help but feel self-indulgent and kind of like a baby. When I was growing up I pretty much consistently demanded and expected to get my way. Thankfully, my parents rarely gave in to me, determined not to spoil me. I still was, to an extent. I lacked for nothing. But I didn't always get my way so I do feel somewhat grounded in my life. But God also wired me to care for people, and I often do that instead of care for myself. One of the ways I was cared for while in St. Louis was having this shared experience with these three people. I miss them desperately. And I'm in the process of trying to understand if it's because I just miss them... or because the burden of ministry work is getting to me and I need to step away and take a vacation. But I worry that taking a vacation would just result in me thinking about work the whole time. BUt I know that I long to be back in community with those three people, who made a class project so much less painful than it could've been, because they loved me for who I was, valued my input and made the pain of the final presentation (a story in and of itself) endurable.

Am I homesick for my old life? Am I homesick for support? I hate that I can't figure out why I feel homesick. Because that means I can't solve this problem. Without knowing the root I'm require to just sit here and grieve. And I don't even know what I'm grieving!

Help me understand, Lord. Help me understand.

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Manipulation and Grace

2011-07-26T03:42:00.002-05:00

Whenever you work in a position in a church that can affect change, you are inevitably going to have people who try to manipulate you. It may not seem like "out and out manipulation" - it may simply seem as though someone is trying to get you to see their side of the issue. But let's face it... at the heart of it is manipulation. We've just managed, as "polite" Christians, to put a less negative label on it.

This afternoon I had a difficult conversation with a leader in the church - one who's been through a previous church going apostate and having to leave it and find another church. Her and her husband are significant stakeholders in this church - one's an elder, one's a deacon. They both have taught adult Sunday School, which is where our conversation started. They have taught several worldview classes in the past (only one since I've been here). However, the Christian Education team felt it was time to take a break from that topic and offer something different. Parenting was one topic, and the team felt she and her husband would be great at teaching that class. So I called to talk with her about this.

A while back, a different congregation member approached me in May and said she wanted to teach this in Sunday School this Fall. First off, let me say that I have a certain amount of respect for Jim Wallis. Controversial that he is, he is asking the church to look at the shells of Christian sub-culture and recognize that not only is it not enough to live in that shell, but it's unbiblical to ignore the world around you. I appreciate that, because as many of you know I often have visceral reaction to selfishness. And at the heart of his theology, Wallis is asking the church to stop being so selfish. I may not agree with all of his views, but it's partly due to him that I understand the importance of buying local and fair trade, as well as how the poor are often affected the deepest and the worst when a major crises hits our nation. That's something to pause on. A lot of what he says gives me something to pause on.

The couple the Christian Education team wanted to teach the parenting class became aware of the Jim Wallis study. Nothing has been approved through the proper channels yet. After all, I just finished reviewing this study this morning. Once I completely my evaluation of it, I will take it to the team and we go from their. That's the process we take here. But I spent almost an hour on the phone today with this couple about the Wallis study. They wanted me to make sure I knew they didn't support it.

I've realized over and over that I could never do this job without my seminary education. It wasn't an easy experience, but the classes Ihad on leadership, church politics and dealing with people have been invaluable to helping me deal with some of what I deal with. But in some ways, it's made things harder for me too, for I see past a person's actions and words and deeper into what is almost always a world of hurt and often ignorance simply because we remain happy to acquiesce the status quo. In our zeal to be right, we continue believe what we've always believed (or what the loudest pundit has told us to believe) rather than asking the difficult questions we need to ask. In this case, my questions were along this line, "Just because we let a Jim Wallis study, (which I found quite neutral despite his reputation,) create a slippery slope in to social liberalism?" "Are we to discount a good study just because of whose name is on it?" ""Since you haven't done through the study why are you assuming it has no value?" "And why is becoming socially more aware a problem? It's certainly not unbiblical." And then more personal question for my dissenter, "Why are you have such a strong reaction to this?" "Is there something else going on in your heart right now that is causing this reaction... perhaps a past experience with hurt attached to it?" "Why aren't you trusting those in leadership (i.e. me and the senior pastor) with this issue?"

Ah... the last one, when I uttered it, helped me know where I was coming from in this whole matter. I realized I was hurt that she didn't trust me or the pastor to prevent Jim Wallis and his "Marxist leanings" from overtaking our church. I was hurt that she didn't trust my judgement, after reviewing the curriculum, to do the right thing. And then... the manipulation began. "Well, if you decide to let this study in the church, my husband and I will want to attend that class and not teach one. We'll need to be in there." Reminder: all this before she's even seen the study. She is wielding a lot of unfair power here and I don't know who to teach her another way.

I found myself wondering, "Where is the grace?" I found myself wondering how I can help her understand that slippery slope arguments are unfair, because they project what might become unfairly. So what about what might become... in a good way? What if the church has its heart changed, feeling the need to reach out more and in different ways? What if, instead of assuming the worst thing will hapen, the best thing happens?

In others words, is all of this a risk we are willing to take?"

Ugh. Ministry is hard. Grace is hard to communicate. Manipulation is hard to withstand. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

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I ask for a vision statement for adult Ed and this is what I got...

2011-07-11T21:42:00.001-05:00

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Ah, the banana scavenger hunt punishment. A clasic

2011-07-04T22:52:00.001-05:00

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Top 10 Best Characters in Bad TV Shows

2011-07-02T11:11:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything pop culture related, and if you've been a reader for a while, you know it used to be a very common staple around here. But my pop culture tendencies have been satisfied at work in the last year, as I've had the chance to work pop culture into two classes I've taught and two curriculums I wrote.

But here I am getting that itch again and had an idea today as I was watching a bad TV show. Often bad TV shows have at least one character that is somewhat likable, and sometimes even very likable. I have my own guilty-pleasure TV shows I watch from time to time and was trying to figure out why... and voila! I realized the show is usually somewhat redeemed by one great chracater that I either love or love to hate. Either way, love is involved. So here we go:

10.) Bruce Van Exel on "Judging Amy"

I was a regular watcher of Judging Amy for a couple of seasons back in the day, before A Brenneman began to annoy me and her character even more. But one consistently great character on the show was Bruce, Amy's co-worker at the courthouse. Bruce was, in many ways, the moral center of the show, as well as the person who grounded Amy the most. We all need that person in our life. Plus... he's soooooo handsome.

9.) Jane Deaux on "Dharma and Greg"

Dharma and Greg was never a great show, but never a truly horrible one either. It never become a "can't miss" for me, but even today I'll pause on it if I see a re-run airing. Try as they might to make Greg and Dharma interesting characters, Jane was far more interesting and completely hilarous. Shaie D'Lyn didn't get near enough screen time, but when she did, she stole the scene. (Well, mostly the whole espisode) And she made the show completely worth watching.

8.) Deputy Andy Brennan on "Twin Peaks"

I have a long/hate relationships with Twin Peaks. I loved it when it first aired on TV, though at the time I never had the chance to watch it all the way through to the end of the final season. And I was pretty young when it first aired, so that was probably a good thing, as the material was inappropriate for someone my age. There were many things about the show I loved, but also many I hated. As an adult, I realized now much of my hatred is due to me not fully embracing Lynch's surrealist style and just letting myself go and really be in the story.

That said, whenever Dupty Andy was on the screen, I was in full-on love mode. Adorably dim and sweetly innocent, Andy made the underground seediess of small town America seem less painful. I recently rewatched the whole series on Netflix, and while I still don't love it, I can honestly admit it scared the crap out of me. No TV show has ever done that, and for back in 1990-1991, that was pretty-ground breaking for public television. And one of my favorite moments is when we see Andy putting put posters around town and he has scotch tape ALL over his face. So funny.

7.) Piper Halliwell on "Charmed"

I admit it: Charmed is a guilty pleasure of mine, particularly Season 2-4. But I will be the first to admit that the show is mostly crap-tastic. However, Piper, first as the middle sister then as the oldest sister, was consistently the most watchable character on the show. But then again, she was up against that brooding anger of Shannen Doherty and the obnoixious attitude of Alyssa Milano. (And don't even get me started on Rose McGowan. Ugh.) Too bad they saddled her with the worst husband ever and some really bad dialogue. But Holly Marie Combs almost always brought honest emotions to even the worst of the material and makes it worth it for me (some of the time, anyway. No episode in Season 8 is watchable at all).

6.) Mallory Keaton on "Family Ties"

I loved Family Ties when I was a kid, but I watch it now and it's painful. Meredith Baxter Burney chews the scenery in every episode and Michael J. Fox's portral of the arrogant Alex Keaton is not enduring, but simply obnoxious. But the character of Mallory Keaton, and Justine's decent portrayal of it, always rang true to me.

5.) Birttney Pierce on "Glee"

Okay, so I'm not exactly sure I could quailify Glee as a "bad" tv show yet, but there have been some serious low points in the brief time it's been on the air. However, those are easily outweighed the by the high points. (Rachel and Kurt singing Defying Gravity, everything Arty does (though he is sadly under-used), the development of Kurt and his father's relationship, Rachel singing Streisand at Regionals, Puck becomcing human, how they handled the gay bullying story-line, Sue doing Vogue and all her hilarous hair jokes, for example). So it was a tough choice for me to pick which character to put on this list, but week after week, Brittney has the best line of the episode: "I think my cat is reading my diary." "I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist." ''When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.''

4.) Miranda Bailey on "Grey's Anatomy"

Holy cow, has this show been bad. Really, really bad. But it has also had some really brillant moments, and many of them are because of the bad-assery of Bailey, brillantly played by Chandra Wilson. Bailey cuts through the crap of all the soap drama, and when she makes one of her awesome yelling speeches, I am reminded of why I give the show chance after chance. Of all the characters on the show, I feel as if she's been the least subjected to the typcial character assasination that often happenes on long-running shows looking for new plot devices. Bailey's been consistently hard-working, utterly compassionate, ethically upright and a great teacher to her interns. I cannot say that for the rest of the cast of characters.

3.) Genevieve Gorder on "Trading Spaces"

Okay, I realize I'm stretching it a bit since she's an actual person, but here is why I picked her: in a show that eventually became a virus - on every single day and twice on Saturdays - this original and creative show idea become soooooo stale and awful. But Genevieve always brought style and personality to the show an in general was just... fabulous. I was always happy when she was one of the two designers in an episode, which happened far too little in the later days after she got her own show. I appreciated how she really listened to what the homeowner wanted and needed yet still made it her own style. That's a rare combo in a designer. Especially on that show.

2.) John Cage on "Ally McBeal"

In the same vein as Grey's Anatomy, wow... this could be a really bad show when it wanted to be. But the character of John Cage was written brilliantly and acted even more brilliantly by Peter MacNichol. Despite all the so-called "feminism" of the show and the whining of Ally about her love life, the quirkiness of it all won me over (even if the last season was truly awful) and the biggest part of that quirkiness was the character of John Cage. He consistently made me laugh with his bathroom dismounts, his pet frogs, his "fresh bowl" and his Barry White dancing. He left as the show went awry (smart move) and the Biscuit will always hold a special place in my heart.

1.) Pacey Whitter on "Dawson's Creek"

I never watch Dawson's Creek while it was on the air, but I had a friend who who urged me over and over to watch it so I relented and watched it on DVD. And it's really, really bad. Bad chick-rock music, ridiculous dialogue, unrealistic portrayal of teenagers and far too much angst. But Pacey, Pacey, Pacey... he was the show's star (though only deemed the "side-kick best friend"). He also managed to stay free from character assasination, and the writers did a decent job keeping his character, especially his strong sense of justice, intact during the show's 6-season run. Despite my hatred for the Dawson character and his flaring nostrils and my disdian for Katie Holmes, Joshua Jackson's redition of a wounded kid with hero-tendencies and what looks to me to be the best hugger EVER, made this show bearable for me to watch. Even if it was just once.

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These are the days I love my job!

2011-06-28T16:35:00.001-05:00

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Lock-in... almost 3 hrs in!

2011-06-10T22:51:00.001-05:00

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Immersing myself in Deuteronomy 5-6 this afternoon

2011-06-01T15:59:00.001-05:00

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A Debrief of Seminary (sort of)

2011-05-30T10:54:00.001-05:00

It's been one year since I graduated from seminary. Almost three years since I left my old life for something new. Almost one year since I began a career in vocational ministry. Last night, I had the Christian Education Team over for dinner at my house. I cooked for them, hoping it would make them feel loved and appreciated for journeying with me for the last year. It's caused me to stop and reflect on much, to help me understand more of my story and how it's affected who I am right now.

I also received an "Happy Birthday" email from the seminary last week, wishing me well, and inviting me to submit book reviews. My first thought was, "I'm a woman... is this a automatically generated email and they don't realize I'm a woman?" Because I had some doubts that the seminary would allow something like that to be written by me and published by them. More cause for reflection.

My first semester of seminary was horrible.

No really. Truly horrible.

My classes were easy and boring, I was adjusting to an entirely different life (not ONE thing about my life was the same, expect the clothes I was wearing and the car I was driving). I has to live in this huge house with 5 other girls. The day I moved in not one single housemate was there to greet me. Just the Women's Resident Director was there with her kids to hand me a key. I didn't even get an information packet like the rest of the new people did - with maps of St. Louis and information about the nearest grocery stores and sites to see. My first night in the house the two girls in the house for the evening went downstairs to drink wine and watch a movie, and didn't invite me to join them.Though it was August in the southern mid-west, it felt quite chilly. It wasn't exactly a warm welcome into my new life. Little did I know it would forecast the next several months.

I thought it would get better as I adjusted and met new people. It didn't. I had one roommate who was really dirty and kinda rude. Another one who was loud, spoiled, and who thought I wasn't good enough to be her friend or at the seminary because I wasn't part of the PCA (the denomination the seminary is affiliated with). In November I was talking with a friend from college, telling him all about this and he said, "What are you going to do? Are you going to transfer?" It seemed silly; I was already one semester in and I was only going to be there for two years total... just enough to go full-time and get the degree. I had a hard enough finding a seminary that had the degree I wanted with the financial aid I needed. But I wanted to leave. I really, really did. I was sick of the PCA, sick of the elitist, snobby 23 yr. old kids who hadn't lived life and had never been anywhere interesting or had any life experiences making me feel like I wasn't fit to be there. in a word, I was DONE.

(And, no, not everyone was like this. But a good portion of them were, and they were the ones who seemed to dislike me and my crazy way of asking thoughtful questions rather than accepting the status quo. I know I sound bitter and I am trying to get over it. I'm hoping this purge will help.I also think it's been long enough that I can be a bit more objective about the whole experience... see the view from 10,000 feet on the balcony rather than the view from the dance floor.)

So I retreated. I threw myself into getting involved at my church. I started by volunteering on Sundays to help the hospitality crew. I took the new membership class and then joined the church. Then I joined a small group. Word got around that I was a worship leader before coming there, so I was asked to lead worship several times. All of this on top of my intern work teaching, leading a women's small group, giving devotions, and even doing website work. I found a wonderful community at a time when I needed it. I found solace in those people - and my job as an intern there. The church had 1800 members, but it felt like home to me.

I also found solace in books.

Seminary is all about reading and I read thousands and thousands of pages while I was there. I was reading all the time, and quickly discovered the house was not a good place to do. When I tried, my roommate who didn't think I was good enough to be there would often study in the same room as me (the dining room or living room usually). Then she would lead me into a debate about reformed beliefs, with her boyfriend in tow to back her up. (Don't get me wrong.. I'm reformed. But I also question things. She didn't and wasn't taught to. To her, that made me some kind of enemy.) So I discovered Kaldi's, Starbucks, Panera Bread, and the St. Louis County library. These were good places to study and I had some truly significant moments there.

So my memories of seminary are only good because of church, because of the few classes that challenged me, and about four people on campus I grew close to... but they had to pursue me quite a bit. I got burned and didn't want to get too close to the flame.

I spend far too much time on facebook, and there is much of it that feeds the low self-esteem that occurred because of what happened to me in seminary. The few people from seminary that I friends with on facebook will post photos and make comments and status updates about campus life there. These things make me feel horrible all over again. Even though I am 1500 miles away from that place I still feel the rejection I experienced while there.

Yet I am loved and accepted by my Lord and Savior. I am loved and accepted by many friends and family.

Why isn't it enough?

I think it's because I don't know my Lord and Savior intimately enough.

Think about it - there are people in your life who's love and acceptance you don't doubt. You know that person loves you without pause and rarely worry about where you stand with them. You feel secure in their love and acceptance of you.

While I don't feel insecure with Christ, I think that if I knew him more intimately I would more fully understand his love and acceptance of me, thereby understanding that his love and acceptance is the only one that matters. But here I find myself turning this into a moralistic post. So much of what I write about and think about when it comes to my walk with Christ is what I need to be doing that's different from the bad job I'm already doing navigating life with him.

Instead I think it may be wise for me to reflect on the person of God...

perhaps that will lead me to where I need to go.

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Monday a.m. coffee & commentary (Micah)

2011-05-23T10:40:00.001-05:00

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Could this be my last cup? Doubtful.

2011-05-21T09:30:00.001-05:00

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Understanding Ezekiel 18:24

2011-05-04T01:25:00.002-05:00

Because I mentioned Eziekel 18:23 on Sunday evening in the wake of Bin Laden death, I managed to stir things a bit. I've had more time to process what I was feeling and experiencing (and yes, I cried again earlier this evening, as I read Jim Wallis' response to this issue (www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-wallis/how-should-we-respond-to-bin-laden-death_b_...). No, I haven't changed my mind. I don't anticipate that I will. But watching several people on twitter and facebook throw out scripture to support whatever opinion they had was interesting and sometimes painful for me.

I do believe that all people, with good guidance, can come to understand scripture better, and certainly "as a whole"... knowing that while it's hard to understand, it does not contradict itself. Just because I have been to seminary and perhaps have an understanding of proper exegesis a bit more than the person who hasn't doesn't mean I am smart or better or that everyone can't understand, too. I am an educator at heart, and wish to respond to this verse (Ezekiel 18:24) which was one of several thrown out by those who oppose my view. I believe in the importance of taking his word seriously and thoughtfully

Sidebar: In case you aren't sure of my view, here's where I am at: while I am relieved Bin Laden was captured and is no longer a threat in the war on terror, I cannot, in good conscience, celebrate his death... because he is a lost soul. I tried to picture Jesus Christ in the crowds of people surrounding the White House and who gathered at Ground Zero, and I realized he wouldn't be waving a flag, and chanting "U.S.A." in celebration. Jesus taught us lessons in parables, and the parable of the Lost Sheep is one that first comes to mind. The Lord pursues us and wants us to come to know him, and he would leave the flock to find just one who is lost. What compassion and love! He wouldn't rejoice over one who has rejected him, but would weep for his lost soul. Because I believe this, in no way means I discount God's wrath. The two are simply not mutually exclusive. I can believe in his compassion and his justice without compromising the gospel. After all, Jesus' very act of the cross proves my point.

Ezekiel 18:24 says this:

But when a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice and does the same abominations that the wicked person does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds that he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, for them he shall die.

In the case of this passage, the prophet Ezekiel is speaking of God's judgement on Judah and Jerusalem. The city of Jerusalem fell in 586 B.C, and Ezekiel was sent to prophecy about the visions God gave him beginning in 593 B.C. Honestly - I find Ezekiel to be one of the most difficult books in the bible to understand... and hard to get through. It's repetitive and sometimes confusing and often kinda dull. :) But the more we know about it's purpose (i.e. the original audience the book was written to, as well as the original audience that Ezekiel was speaking to) helps us comprehend it better.

At first glance, one would almost think this verse points to the Arminian view that a person can loose their salvation. And if you can loose your salvation, than it stands to reason you can earn your salvation. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us this isn't how salvation works.) So where does the good comes from? Us? Nope. There are two reasons why this isn't the case: First, there is no one righteous without the grace of God. We are born in sin (Psalm 51:5) and are only able to choose good because of his grace (Romans 2:15). Knowing this, we have to look at the verse a bit more to fully understand it, because as I said earlier, the Bible doesn't contradict itself, so closer examination is necessary.

Here's the kicker: Verse 21 and 22 consider the wicked person who then repents and lives rightly before God. Verse 24 considers the opposite scenario. Sandwiched between these is the central declaration of God's “pleasure” (verse 23... the verse I cited) in repentance, and a denial that he has any pleasure in the death of the wicked. (My source here is the ESV study bible)

To further prove my argument from verse 23, (that the Lord doesn't delight in the death of anyone), is Ezekiel 33:11:

Say to them, As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn back, turn back from your evil ways, for why will you die, O house of Israel?

There is no way I could fully cover this topic, (I'm not smart enough!... and I have a life) but I hope this briefly illustrates the importance of not taking scripture out of context. And to close, I will also say that while this verse (24) does say that a wicked person will die, it STILL doesn't support the idea that we can rejoice in such death. We are called to live lives that honor the Lord and reflect his image back to the world. If God doesn't take pleasure in the death of the wicked, why on earth should I?

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Manifesto!!

2011-05-02T22:58:00.001-05:00

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This guy can play. Seriously.

2011-05-02T22:46:00.001-05:00

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The City Harmonic!!!!

2011-05-02T22:44:00.001-05:00

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Justice and Mercy

2011-05-02T01:45:00.001-05:00

A twitter post led me to turn on CNN at around 8:15 tonight. And unless you live under a rock, you know why.

I sat there stunned, not sure I should believe what was being said until I heard it from Obama's mouth. I watch the CNN coverage as they showed people starting to gather outside the White House at Lafayette Park. I did a google search. I watched twitter, searching for #binladen hash tag (man... I'm in the digital age). I was stunned.

Then I cried as Obama said "The images of 9/11 are seared into our memory." I listened as Obama as he said these eloquent words: "The American people did not choose this fights. It came to our shores. It started withe the senseless murder of thousands of our citizens. After nearly 10 years of service, struggle and sacrifice we know well the cost of war." Yeah, I was in full-blown tears by then.

As the crowd got bigger outside the white house lawn, I simply couldn't join in with their cheers and chants. My heart was breaking, though I couldn't identify that emotion until later. The celebration didn't feel right, but what was I supposed to feel?

Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? - Ezekial 18:23

God's justice and mercy are two of his characterisitcs that many of us have a hard time reconciling. I fully understand that my sin deserves a great wrath from God. I also fully understand that his mercy is so great that I do not have to feel the full force of that wrath thanks to the redeeming work of Christ on the cross. I also can identify with the feelings of vengeance we all had after 9/11. 9/11 hurt and we all felt the pain of what was happening. It wasn't just the death of thousands of people... it wasn't just the attacks on American soil. It was the shattering of our invincibility. It was the shocking realization that our world would never be the same again. Though we were the #1 nation of power, we were not immune. Realizing and experiencing that through the images of wreckage from those airplanes changed everything for us. Our world was altered and I sincerely believe that's where much of our vengeful thoughts and actions came from.

I relived part of 9/11 tonight and I admit...to know Bin Laden is dead is a huge relief. I am proud of our President, our troops, the Pakistani intellegence that helped, and the courageous soldiers who went into that compound in order to make this world a safer place. But could I rejoice? Absolutely not. A member of the congregation I serve said that celebrating justice and celebrating death were inextricable in this situation. When I read that I realized my tears were not just of remembering that fateful day almost 10 years ago. I was crying because my heart was broken. Another soul condemned to hell's devastation reminds me of the brokenness in this world, how our sin has messed it up, and that the celebration of a death is expected in the case of one who does evil things.

But God's vengeance is not something to celebrate. It is something to be fearful and be in awe of. His great and bountiful mercy is something to fall on our knees and be grateful for. My choosing not to celebrate, but rather mourn, on this historic day doesn't mean I believe we shouldn't have gone after him. We had to go after him. But I simply cannot picture Jesus in that crowd outside the White House, waving a United States flag and chanting "U.S.A!"

He is weeping for another lost soul. And I am weeping with him.

We must reach out beyond justice to mercy
Going more than halfway to forgive
And though the distance seems so far
The love that used to hold our hearts
Longs to take us beyond justice to mercy

-Susan Ashton, "Beyond Justice to Mercy"

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It's Easter!

2011-04-24T09:19:00.001-05:00

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Easter weekend reading

2011-04-23T11:05:00.001-05:00

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Tulips

2011-04-23T09:51:00.001-05:00

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Who's House Am I Serving?

2011-04-14T17:52:00.001-05:00

Being a people pleaser leads to heartache 100% of the time.

This is an aspect of my life that I hate. There is this 18 inch space between my head, which know I cannot please everyone, and my heart, that wants to make everyone comfortable and happy. I fully realize I can't give everyone what they want, but I do believe in the power of compromise in order to help people feel comfortable and happy. This is often where I get into trouble.

Last night was the finale for our Wednesday night ministries until we start back in the Fall. The last night is always pizza night, which people love. I'd planned a simple night for everything else - the kids would sing some of the songs they learned, the bell choir kids performed some of their songs. They would do this during sinner, and then they would get to eat. Then we brought in a local reptile guy who has crazy creepy crawly things like scorpions, snakes, lizards and spiders. It was such a fun night for the kids. The adults and the youth groups opted to stay instead of go to their class (I asked the leaders to let them vote on it the week before). So the room was full of adults, students and kids, enraptured by this guy telling us about the creepy crawling things from Genesis, then the snake from Genesis 3, then eventually reminding us that like all the creepy crawly things that have a purpose (to eat other bugs, for example) we so much greater than them, so God must have an awesome purpose for us.

It was a lovely way to end the 12 weeks.

Then this morning I get a nasty facebook message from someone (not a parent) upset they missed the kids singing because they couldn’t come to dinner because of a food allergy. So I’ve spent the last two hours going through all the things I did to make sure people knew what was going on the last night, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. I’d made announcement during the last few weeks of dinner, I’d communicated via email with everyone teaching and the pastor, who teaches the adult, knew exactly what was going to happen. The kitchen staff knew what to expect…

I get this message and nearly break down because of this. What is wrong with me?

I have a long, torrid history with criticism. Just when I think I’m getting somewhere something like this happens and I feel like I’ve taken three steps back. Once again, I find myself seeking my identity in what others think of me rather than just doing what I am called to do to the best of my ability. Is it ever possible to get over this? Is it ever possible to take criticism with grace? Is it possible top take it without it getting personal?

Will my skin get any thicker? And will I learn who's house I am serving?

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The mothership has called me home

2011-04-08T16:42:00.001-05:00

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Longing

2011-03-26T18:42:00.002-05:00

Aside from giving up coffee and soda for Lent, I also gave up going to Starbucks. I love their tea, their smoothies, their lemon loaf... so I would have had many other reasons to go there aside from the "no coffee" rule.

I live in a town that has Starbucks in three different grocery stores. I was at one of those stores yesterday, and as I walked through the Bakery section, Starbucks was on the left and the smell hit me. Mmmmmmmm. I love the smell of coffee, especially the smell of Starbucks coffee. It immediately transports me back to seminary, because there was a Starbucks on every corner and it was a great place to study. You could usually find me at one of their locations on Thursday and Sunday nights, as well as Saturday mornings. (I lived in a house with 5 other girls so the house was not the best place to get some work done.)

Does anyone else feel their heart hurt when they long for something? I was exploring a Doctorate program at a seminary a few days ago and I got this ache. I feel it when I miss someone, or when I remember a tough time in my life, or I feel it when my heart breaks. It really just does feel like an ache... and painful sense of longing for something that I want to be different in my life. Sometimes it's something I can change, sometimes it's something I can't, sometimes it's something I need to work on, and when it comes to Lent, I recognizing it's something I want to WANT to change. I didn't feel that ache at Starbucks yesterday, but I didn't recognize my emotion as "longing" and it got me thinking.

How lovely is your dwelling place,

O Lord of hosts!

My soul longs, yes, faints

for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and flesh sing for joy

to the living God. -Psalm 84:1-2

In desiring a grande soy carmel macchiato, I saw that my soul longs for the wrong things. So often, my soul longs for comfort (see my previous post). As I read through Psalm 84 today, I was struck by the last two verses:

For a day in your courts is better

than a thousand elsewhere.

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God

than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows favor and honor.

No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly.

O Lord of hosts,

blessed is the one who trusts in you. - v. 10-12

I think it's no coincidence that the last verse mentions trust in the Lord. It's given me much to pause on this day.

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An Early Lenten Lesson

2011-03-14T11:37:00.001-05:00

So, my first 5 days of Lent started out wonderful.... with me being sicker than a dog.

I woke up Wednesday morning without a voice and by the afternoon I was so weak I could do little more than lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. I was scheduled to speak at a women's conference on Saturday, as well as lead worship at th e start of the day. So I did whatever I could not to talk in order to save my voice.

Saturday morning came and I made it through, though not sounding great at least I had some voice. But after leading worship for 30 minutes, then giving a 45 minutes workshop twice I promptly went home and crashed. When I woke up I was starving (as well as feeling a bit sorry for myself that I wasn’t at my peak that morning in front of over 100 local women). I heated up some leftovers and made a decision: to open and drink that Diet Dr. Pepper I had on the door in my fridge.

Let me back up:

I gave up coffee and soda for Lent this year. Soda is a common thing for me to give up - I drink far too much of it, it's expensive and it's bad for you anyway. This is the first time I've felt I needed to give up coffee. I'm not a "need a cup every day" kind of person. But I do find myself gravitating toward to more often than I have in the past, so I added it to the list.

So... back to Saturday. I opened that can of soda, heard that fizz of carbonation, and thought about Lent. Even before I open the can, as I was puttering around the kitchen making myself a plate of food, I kept thinking "Will I or won't I? Should I or shouldn't I? What does giving something up for Lent really mean, anyway? I'm not sure I really care that I stick to this anyway."

I took the first few bites of food and felt this almost sizzle-like feeling in my mouth. I wanted that soda. So I took a drink.

And it was disgusting.

I hadn't had soda since Tuesday, and my taste-buds had already adjusted. Each time I've given up soda for Lent in the past it's been hard to go back because it simply tastes so syrupy-sweet and decidedly saccharin. I had to ask myself why, when there was tea and water available to me, that soda was where I went for my "default"? And I can't really explain it... other than to say there is this satisfaction that happens in my brain when I take me first few drinks of any kind of carbonation.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where I'm going with this.

Everyone, in one way or another, has a way they comfort themselves. For some it's taking to a certain friend. For some it's certain kinds of food or exercise. (I had a roommate in seminary who worked out 3 hours a day.) Some people like a good nap or watching a movie as a form of comfort... maybe it's reading a great book with a great cup of tea in your hand. I realized that soda had clearly become a form of that for me. I felt bad. I wanted to feel better. I think soda can do that for me. What was humbling (though not nearly humbling enough, for my great pride got in the way) for me was knowing that I have a much greater source of comfortable available to me. <span style="font-weight:bold;">And this, my friends, is why we celebrate Lent. To discover our idols, knock them off their pedestals and put what rightly belongs on the pedestal in the first place: God.</span>

The God of great comfort is waiting in the wings, wanting so badly to be the one I run to when I need comfort, satisfaction, and well, just to feel better. And I am choosing soda instead? What is wrong with me? It is in these kinds of revelatory moments that the devastation from the Fall brings me to my knees. I weep and mourn for the brokenness in my heart and in the world.

But as the season of Lent doesn’t last forever… neither did the Fall. Jesus is redeeming the world, our hearts, and his people. May I not only live in the light of that fact, but learn to live in the light of his willingness and love for comforting me when I need it the most.

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you; I will praise your name,

for you have done wonderful things,

plans formed of old, faithful and sure.

For you have made the city a heap,

the fortified city a ruin;

the foreigners’ palace is a city no more;

it will never be rebuilt.

Therefore strong peoples will glorify you;

cities of ruthless nations will fear you.

For you have been a stronghold to the poor,

a stronghold to the needy in his distress,

a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat;

for the breath of the ruthless is like a storm against a wall

-Isaiah 25: 1-4

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Hope

2011-02-15T00:19:00.001-06:00

When most people think of the book of Joshua, they don't think of the word hope. After all, there are some kings that get hung from trees, a man named Achan and his family stoned to death because of their sin.... death, destruction, war. These are not exactly cheerful buzz words.

But I find many of the words in Joshua comforting. I guess because there is no logical reason that blowing trumpets would bring some walls down. It doesn't make any sense those spies survived the trip to Jericho without getting caught, or that a bunch of stones could part a river to allow the Israelites to cross. It was crazy to think that all those men who were circumcised just before going to battle would actually be able to fight at all. Ouch.

All the odds were against God’s people. But there is one great truth that lies over the whole book: “The Lord fought for Israel.” (10:25)

Over and over you read impossible story upon impossible story… and God is always faithful to his people. He fulfills promises, he grants them victory, and once again, gives his chosen people what they don’t deserve: the Promised Land. That gives me hope.

Just as God’s word never returns void, I know that he always has my back. He always fights for me. I know this information, for he’s done it for me over and over again, and I’ve seen him do it for so many of the wonderful people in my life. And I can always open his Word and see how he has continually pursued us, never giving up on us. Never giving up on me. That gives me hope.

But as a wise man once said, “the longest distance in the world is the 18 inches between your head and your heart.” I believe in this hope. I really do. But am I living like a believe it? Am I living in the light of the gospel’s hope? Has it penetrated my heart?

Hmmmm. Something for me to think about.

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Memory Lane

2011-02-10T16:35:00.001-06:00

Today a classmate of mine was buried. After a long battle with cancer, preceded by a brain aneurysm in 2004, the Valedictorian of my class died early Tuesday morning. I found out via facebook.

He and I were not close, though there were only 20 kids in my graduating class (I'm a farm kid from the rural mid-west. My town had 370 people in it.) J.P. was always kind of an awkward guy, very interested in classical music, science and learning in general. He seemed kind-hearted to me, and one thing that always sticks in my mind was his unwillingness to compromise. You see, he was what a rural mid-west town would call "nerdy". He wore the same grey corduroy pants every each, and olo shirts of various colors. He had big thick glasses and very pale skin. He was too uncoordinated to play sports and could barely manage to march to the right beat in band. Yet he was light years away from the rest of us on his understanding of math and science. He was proud of that, and didn’t care that he didn’t act like or dress like the popular kids. (At least, it didn’t seem as though he cared. It’s quite possible he did, behind closed doors.)

He was made fun of a lot. So was I. I knew the pain of being laughed at and called names, so I tried not to make fun of him when others did, though I am sure I was unnecessarily mean to him at some point. He was to me, so I am sure I was to him.

I’ve never had any desire to keep in touch with my high school classmates. Most of them were pretty horrible to me, and any fond memories I have of high school were in spite of them. I learned early on that I needed to find other sources of friendship and trust, so I kept myself at a significant distance from the 20 people I sat with in classrooms years after year… day after day. When graduation day came I never looked back.

Facebook has changed that for me, to an extent. I was friends with four people from high school, and since J.P.’s death, two more have friend requested me. I’ve never attended a high school reunion and probably never will. This is something my mother has always found strange, because she loved her graduating class (she was also the homecoming queen, so her high school experience was a lot different than mine). So the wounds I have from that experience are still there… they may always be. (I have a thing about wounds. To read more, click here.(I even talk about Troubadours!)

I was intrigued by how the facebook messages from classmates unfolded. One gracious classmate took charge of getting us organized to send flowers. We all took turns calling those who aren’t on facebook yet to let them know what the plan was. So many talked about how much he would be missed and how their hearts were breaking. There was much talk about how we are a “family”. While I’m sure these sentiments were heart-felt, I found myself unable to join in with the reminiscing… with the resounding agreements that we must all get together soon. I know there this whole idea of “buying the hatchet” and “letting bygones be bygones”, but my heart just doesn’t work that way. I am sad that my classmate died such an early death. He was probably intelligent enough to help find a cure for cancer. It saddens me to know his quality of life was so poor near the end. It saddens that his parents and sister lost him so soon. But do I miss him? No. I don’t miss anyone from high school. And I’m not sure what to do with that information. On the one hand, I see the point of moving on and letting a grievance past. On the other, I don’t care to let my classmates think I’m okay with how they treated me or J.P., God rest his soul.

One of the strongest characteristics of those with my personality type is a strong sense of right and wrong, and innate sense of justice. There are reasons why this is good... and I’m struggling to decided if t his is one of those times. My mother, with all her rosy-colored glasses, wants me to let bygones be bygones and let myself enjoy my graduating class at this stage in my life. I simply don't want to.

Right after our 10 year reunion, I was performing some Oleo Spots at a melodrama. (The musical numbers in-between acts). One of my classmates was there, and she grabbed me afterwards and asked me why I didn’t attend. Gently (I promise) I said to her, “I just didn’t want to attend a reunion with people who I know don’t like me.” The mature adult in me knows I should get past this. The petulant child in me doesn’t want to budge. The Generation Xer in me wants to not care. The counselor in me wants to do the healthy thing, work through this and forgive. I’m wondering who will win.

This trip down memory lane has not been an easy one. It would be easy to roll my eyes at these facebook messages about us being a “family” (though it’s very possible they aren’t talking about me when they say that). It would be easy to go on without contact with these people and never attend a reunion. I want the easy way right now. What do I do with that?

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Being the Better Person

2011-01-27T10:50:00.001-06:00

I had a friend back in college who blew up at me once - and it was for something pretty silly. He was mad that the costume designer in the play we were both in wouldn't sew a button on his shirt. I was the messenger (I don't remember how or why) so I was the one who felt the brunt of her message. He yelled, threw the shirt back at me, and caused a big scene in the green room. This guy was a good friend, and how he treated me was inexcusable. I let him know that. And he stomped away.

The next day in the cafeteria a mutal friend of ours came up to me and said "I think you should say something to him." So my reply was, "Why? I didn't do anything wrong. He should come to me if anything." Our friend's reply was "Sometimes it's best to be the bigger person, no matter who's right or wrong."

I knew our friend was right, so of course I had no reply. But I was still my stubborn self and did nothing. That evening, I was apoligized to for the whole button incident, and I forgave him just like any "good Christian girl" would do. He and I remained friends - it was really no big deal. But I remember it to this day. Why? Because "Sometimes it's best to be the bigger person." Those words are still with me.

Oswald Chambers wrote about the importance justice plays in forgiveness. From Daily Thoughts for Disciples:

It would be an immoral thing to forgive a person who did not say he or she was sorry...I cannot forgive my enemies and remain just unless they cease to be my enemies and give proof of their sorrow, which must be expressed in repentance. I have to remain steadfastly true to God's justice. There are times when it would be easier to say "Oh, well, it does not matter. I forgive you," but Jesus insists that the uttermost farthing must be paid. The love of God is based on justice and holiness, and I must forgive on the same basis.

One of Chamber's biggest faults in this line of thinking is that forgiveness means dismissing the act you are forgiving. I disagree. The very act of forgiving, whether the person asks for it or not, says "It mattered. It hurt me. But I need to move on and not carry that hurt with me anymore." If it didn't matter, it wouldn't hurt.

Where is my justice, as a forgiven sinner? My punishment is served, done, completed. My sin - not in part, but the whole - is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more.

Because I bear it no more, because it's nailed to the cross, - this is my reason to be the better person. This is my reason to forgive. It's always been about what he did for me first, not what I think it right or wrong.

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Wisdom

2011-01-23T22:14:00.001-06:00

The 6th post for January Reflections...

Wise: Who is someone currently involved your life that is wise? How do you think they got this way? Send them an email with an attachment to this post to tell them how much you admire them.

The wise of heart is called discerning,
and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. - Proverbs 16: 21

I have a lot of wise people in my life. But I am only going to tell you about one. Her name is Jennifer and I had the privilege of living and knowing her during the most difficult times of her life. She may not be considered by some as "wise" in the traditional sense. But she is wise where I need her to be wise when it comes to our friendship.

When most people think of what a wise person is, they think of someone who is great at giving advice, who is gifted at discerning God's word, someone who has great life experience behind them, and/or someone who makes good decisions. I think that up until I met this person, I would have narrowly define wisdom this way, too. But I've come to learn that wisdom is so much more than that.

Jennifer knows who to discern my heart almost better than anyone else can. She can discern what it is I need in the moment, what words I need to hear, what encouragement and what kink-in-the-butt. She knows when to give me space and when to pursue. She is incredibly gifted a discerning because I NEVER give anyone hints about what I want or need. She reads me really well and there are very few people in the world that can do that. Many have tried, many have failed. She's just always understood me. (well, maybe not the first couple of months we knew each other...)

I think this is a gift Jennifer was given by God, though she certainly has lived enough life to have a certain amount of wisdom. But when it comes to discernment, I feel that's an impossible thing to learn. I believe it's simply innate, and part of me thinks God made it that way so we couldn't screw it up so much.

There is something about having someone in your life who just knows you... who gets you. (And who still loves and supports you anyway.) God help me be that person to someone. And thank you so much for sending Jennifer to me.

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Books

2011-01-21T19:52:00.001-06:00

I'm a couple of days behind on January Reflections. Here is the fourth post from Jan 17-19th.

Reading: It is said that we are what we eat. Likewise, we are what we read. What are you reading to feed your mind and soul currently?

I love, love, love to read. I love the sappy chick book (that eventually becomes a chick flick) I love a great mystery. But I also rarely read fiction. Non-fiction is more my style, and it's usually something really nerdy like "Love in Hard Places" by D.A. Carson, Pia Desideria by Spener or Desiring the Kingdom: Worship, Worldview, and Cultural Formation by James A. Smith. One of my greatest vices is any book about culture. On my "favorites" list of this genre are "Catching Light: Finding God in the Movies" by Roy Anker, Eyes Wide Open by Romanowski, Culture Making by Andy Crouch, and A Matrix of Meanings (this one will change your perspective permanently!). I got hooked on these when I did an independent study on Twilight and the middle-aged woman's obsession with these books. I worked on that last Fall while in Covenant and actually ended up writing a curriculum specifically for the "Twi-Hard" audience.

Right now, the books feeding my soul are "Gilead" by Marilyn Robinson, "The World is Not My Home" by Michael D. Williams and "Discovering Biblical Equality: Complementarity Without HierarchyRonald W. Pierce, Rebecca Merrill Groothuis, and Gordon D. Fee.

"A room without books is like a body without a soul." -Cicero

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Sleep... Rest... Comfort... Safety

2011-01-16T23:46:00.001-06:00

The 4th of January Reflections '11

Sleep: What can you do to improve your quality of sleep? Take a short glance around the Bible to see what it has to say about sleep and then share it with us.

I'm weirdly feng shui about my bedroom. I'm a firm believers in the feng shui of arranging your bedroom. Don't place the bed in front of the door because you will be thinking about what's outside the door: i.e., the many things there are to do, which will not help you rest. It's also important to remove all the work from the room, for the same reason. It's bad to have a computer or desk in your room... it's bad to have unfolded laundry in your room (which I currently do, lying on the chest at the foot of my bed. Work and rest are the opposite of each other - to have conflicting messages (albeit subconsciously) can contribute to unrest. It's also best to not place the bed under a window.

According to feng shui, the bedroom is to be a place of sanctuary. This is what will help aid in the best sleep possible for you. Let me be clear: I'm not an eastern religion sort of person. But I do believe that environment plays an important part of the way you live your life, the way you learn (that's the educator in me), and more importantly, your attitude about life. When I went through the capstone experience at the end of my master's degree, I learned a significant part of my philosophy of education is the safety of the environment. ... and I read about feng shui 10 years ago. (I believe that means it's part of the way God wired me, right?)

Psalm 4 is a beautiful expression of what is means to be able to rest in safety:

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!

O men, how long shall my honor be turned into shame?
How long will you love vain words and seek after lies?
Selah

But know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD hears when I call to him.

Be angry, and do not sin;ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Selah

Offer right sacrifices,
and put your trust in the LORD.

There are many who say, "Who will show us some good?

Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!"
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

I think the word "Selah" might be my favorite word in the Bible. I think it's because I almost never pause and rest. But each time I do the Lord shows me wonderful and gracious thing. He shows me himself. My rest, while I may subscribe to some tenants of feng shui, is completely dependent on God's grace. The quality of my sleep can be improved by resting in the peace and comfort God provides for me each day, rather than trusting in myself.

Much easier said than done.

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The 'Stuff' of My Stuff

2011-01-14T18:39:00.001-06:00

The 3rd of January Reflection '11

Stuff: Do you like stuff? What stuff do you have that you could do without? Is your stuff well used? Organized? Burdensome?

I like stuff entirely too much. What I hate is the stuff I can put into a spot, so it lays around until I can figure out where it "belongs". This is usually office 'stuff.' I have a ridiculous weakness for beautiful journals and have far too many empty ones. I love all things paper related, including notepads, notebooks, folder, pretty binders, magazine files and such.

The stuff I could do without is a bizarre compilation of dishes I've acquired over the years. I like too many different kinds, so I had the worst time settling on one type. I resorted to collecting bowls so that I ended up with several that didn't match but that were fun to have around. Alas, they took up too much space in my new kitchen, and I have limited cabinet space in my new home. So most of these bowls and dishes were recently donated. I still, however, have my grandmother's every dishes tucked away in my buffet, along with some random glasses her daughter (my aunt Janice) recently sent me. One day I hope to find the perfect curio cabinet to display them. Any ideas? Someting not too big, modern, black or walnut would be good.

Most of my 'stuff' is well used. This is mainly due to, until recently, always living in a pretty small space on a VERY limited budget. I'm not too much of a pack rat - and my rule (typically) is that if I haven't used it in 3 years, it's time to go.

The stuff in my life I find burdensome is the emotional stuff. The stuff I can't truly throw away. The stuff that stay in the dusty parts of my mind and the corner of my heart. The stuff of sin that weighs me down and all too often keeps me from rejoicing in the perfectly fit yoke Christ has given me. It is not organized stuff, but it most certainly does feel heavy.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Disappointment

2011-01-08T13:11:00.001-06:00

So.. the second set of choices went up for the January '11 Reflections 'challenge'.

Homemade: Tell us why you like store-bought or homemade things more? Share with us anything that was homemade by you this year?

Singleness: Everyone has periods of singleness in his or her lifetime. Did you enjoy those days? Who do you have involved in your life who is single?

Disappointment: What things were left undone this year? What were you too afraid or indifferent to do? What are you going to plan differently for 2011?

Fashion: What is one current fashion you love and one you hate? Share a photo of a fashion blunder you have made.

Scripture: What is the last Scripture verse you heard or read? What was God saying to you?

I read this and went "oof-dah". Then I ignored it. Then I went back and decided to do Disappointment. (Then cried just at the thought of delving down that road...) Then I decided to do Homemade, 'cause that's an easy one for me. But anyone who knows me knows I don't do easy and remain happy with my choice.

The reason I went "oof-dah" is because I knew that I would eventually do Disappointment. I just didn't want to. And part of me learning and understand who I am recognizes that the reason I don't do easy goes back a long way... and makes my heart go places it doesn't want to go, but know it needs to go. (Darn you, stupid seminary counseling! Why are you still with me!?! I graduated already!)

What I feel is left undone from 2010 is seminary. I remember crying and crying when I was first called to Arizona, because I knew I was called to go and yet I also just didn't feel done with St. Louis. I didn't feel done with seminary, I didn't feel done with learning what I needed to learn before moving on. I now no of these kinds of things are ever really undone. But it hit me hard once faced a true realization that I was leaving.

I also know that once again, a certain relationship was left undone. This is not the first year it's felt this way and somehow I doubt it will be the last. I will never feel "done" with this person, yet I know it's highly unlikely our paths will cross again. We will forever be phone friends, I don't doubt that. But this is one friendship I didn't want to move to that place. For some reason I always pictured us in the same town, perhaps even in living in the same apartment building like we used to, closing out our days together in my living room with a glass of wine. We know both own home and each live in a different state than the one where we met. I miss this friend almost every day and that feels undone. I realize in understanding this disappointment that I am missing those days with this friend. Things were easier in my life than they are now.

Fear is a tragic thing. And self-protection can be the biggest obstacle to fulfilling our calling. Because in that self-protection lives of fear of facing our mess and letting the world see our mess. But God most often uses our mess in our calling. I was afraid to move to Arizona. But I did it. I was afraid to leave St. Louis where I found a wonderful support system, a wonderful church and pastor, and amazing friends. How often does one get to lead worship with their pastor by their side, and be dear friends with his wife? Not often. God gave me a community in St. Louis and I remember being so afraid that wouldn't happen.

But I was too afraid to talk to my cousin about his drinking (not confront, just talk to). I was too afraid to confront a friend about her selfishness. I was afraid to say goodbye to people very important to me.

I was indifferent to this year's Christmas program I somehow ended up being in charge of. I was indifferent to the feelings of a volunteer that I was sick of babying. I was indifferent ... well, lots of times.

In 2011 I will recognize my indifference and find a person who isn't indifferent to be part of it. So far my selfish friend has been very unselfish with me since I left St. Louis, so that's an interesting development there. As for my cousin... I don't know. I really don't. I will also not avoid this kind of stuff - admitting my failures and indifference. Recognizing my disappointments and working through them will be part of my growth this year.

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A 2010 Moment

2011-01-03T23:06:00.003-06:00

As I walked into Foundation Grounds coffee house in in Maplewood, MO, I would be lying if I said my heart was beating fast with nervous anticipation. I stood just inside the door, coming out of the cold February wind, and scanned to room for him.

My eyes settled on Christopher, whose head was buried in his Macbook. I braced myself, said a silent prayer, and sat down across from him. He looked up, smiled, shut his laptop screen and said "Thanks for coming."

He got up to get me a cup of coffee and as he returned to his seat, I saw him sigh. It was a big sigh... and I knew some big stuff was coming.

Christopher and I met three months previous through some friends of mine from church. I went to his booth at the John Burroughs School Unique Boutique art show and was in awe of his textiles. His scarves were beautiful and 100% green. I loved them and loved his philosophy of reusing things such as tires to make thread to weave stunning patterns. We talked about the Food Network and his husband of 12 years. We hit it off and my friends from church (little did I know) kind of had an ulterior motive in introducing us.

Bill and Julie loved Christopher and knew he was a searcher. They also knew he was a bit sour on Christianity. For some reason, they thought if he met me I would be a person able to answer Christopher's questions. Fast forward three months, where I found myself in a coffee house answering said questions.

When he and I first planned the time to meet for coffee that afternoon, I told a few close friends that I needed to be bathed in prayer. Christopher has a genius IQ and got his master's degree as a teenager. (He had a doctorate, too. In Math or something far beyond me...) Who was I to respond to what I knew would be great and really tough questions? So people prayed. Thank goodness.

For the next three and half hours, I listened to his story of why he hated Christians and why, after getting to know Bill, Julie and me he no longer did. He asked question after question... and all the right ones. He said stuff that gave me goose bumps. "I've read every word Jesus said over and over. I can't find a contradiction. He was so kind and loving. That's a dude I aspire to be." And then the heart stopper: "When I realized I wasn't bitter when Julie used the word "church" around me... and when I found out you were a seminary student and I liked you, I knew something was up. The bitterness that used to hit me whenever Christianity was mentioned didn't hit me anymore. I didn't actively pursue that healing. I knew it was outside myself and I knew I couldn't ignore it." Seriously.... goosebumps.

That afternoon at that coffee shop was beautiful and surreal. I was honest. I helped him understand a lot of misconceptions he had about what Christians believe. I have very little memory of the specifics of what I said, because it was very clear that it wasn't me saying it. I just remembering feeling guided and protected... and that God was pursuing Christopher. All I needed to do was get out of the way and try not to mess up God's plans. I still tear up when I remember that afternoon. I will never forget it.

http://thegloriousimpossible.com/pages/january-reflections

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The Meaning of Emptiness

2011-01-03T18:55:00.001-06:00

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

shall break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

-Isaiah 55: 10-12 (ESV)

Emptiness takes on many forms for me. I remember being asked by the search committee that called me to Arizona "How do you think you will handle moving to a place where you don't know anyone and leave many family and friends behind?" I also remember thinking "They have no idea how much of an introvert I really am."

Being alone is not much of a problem for me. I've often wondered if there was something wrong with me because of this. But much of my strength comes from knowing that no matter where I am in life (with or without the intimacy of family and friends geographically nearby) that if I'm in the center of God's will, he will sustain me. I know this because I've lived it.

But I also think emptiness can take the form of dashed expectations, or a time of spiritual dryness, or even a hardened heart. There certainly can be an overlap with these things and people, but I've also found myself empty of joy. Empty of compassion. Even empty of devotion to something I once found myself completely devoted.

I learned these times are not to be ignored. Sometimes it takes a while for me to even realize I'm in the emptiness, but once I do, if I don't ask myself why and delve deep with my heart and mind to find out why I'm there I run the risk of a significant, prolonged drought. And I what I often find so fascinating about the way I function in these times of emptiness is how it almost always takes a person to show me my emptiness.

There isn't much rain here in the desert. And I only experienced a tiny bit of snow when I was back in Nebraska for the holidays. It even rained in Phoenix that night my flight left. Just as Isaiah says - the snow and rain cause something to happen. (We just don't always get to see it or may see the results months later, in the Spring.) It brings fourth and makes the earth sprout. Can I learn to trust that God does the same to me? That the times of dreary rain and cold snow actually mean something... and have a purpose?

"For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, o give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have drivenyou, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." -Jeremiah 29:10-14

What I adore about this oft-used passage is the context. God promised prosperity for his people... but after 70 years in exile. We often use this passage to sooth someone's pain or to inspire then to move forward... but God didn't actually restore their fortunes until many, many years after (so many that the generations that heard the prophecy from Jeremiah wouldn't live to see it come true.) So it probably seems weird that I love the hard part, but I do because I've been there. I've been in the hard places. I am there now. And understanding that God's promises to his people may not come true in my lifetime is not fun for me to hear. But it does help me grow into a deeper trust with him. There are peaks and valleys when you are a child of God. I prefer the peaks, yes. But the valleys show me deep and wonderful and mysterious things. They show me God's providence and love for his people. They show me the effects of the Fall, which in order to fully understand God's grace we must be aware of such sin and brokenness. This is part of my emptiness. This is part of the world's emptiness.

But his promises are never empty. I don't always understand why he chooses to fulfill the the way he does sometimes. But they are never void, because he is never void.

That's something to rejoice about.

... in fact, that's something to clap your hands and break forth into singing about. I think I'll go join the trees. :)

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Grace and Love (and some other stuff)

2010-12-30T21:15:00.001-06:00

I have to love others who have a history of not loving me.

I have to love others who've rejected me.

One of the first things a professor said to me that hit me really, really hard was this: "You can't be in ministry unless you love people." and then one step further... "If you don't think people can change, just leave right now".

This seems like it should've been a "duh" kind of thing, but for me, it wasn't. When I first felt God calling me to the kind of ministry I am training and studying to be, I just didn't know about the "hugeness" of it all. I honestly hadn't processed everything that ministry meant. I had (to an extent) - in fact, read this post to see what I mean by that.

God made some big changes in my during 2010. A lot of it was through this. Best. Study. Ever. A lot of it was simply the transition time of my life; after several years in one town moving out of state and attending seminary. God did all this work in me to help prepare me for the ministry to which I am called right now.

I have learned....

1. Coercive power won’t lead to change. You can't force others to do what you want them to do. You can offer wisdom and perspective, but manipulation will do nothing but tear down and rip apart the relationship.

2. Though we can't deserve or earn grace, it's imperative you give it to people anyway. A fellow student at seminary asked in class "But what about the person who continually fails and takes advantage of you? When do you stop offering them grace?" The professors responded with "You take advantage of God every single day." I do worry about lines being crossed and about the importance of boundaries in relationships... of course I worry about those things. But there comes a point when you either decide that's it's more important to be right or more important to have the person who needs the grace in your life. Every day we make choices like this. It's hard to think about getting beaten up all the time. But I think it can be equally hard to not forgive. For in that unforgiveness comes a heart laden with burdens we are not meant to bear. I have had that burdened heart. There isn't much worse I've experienced.

3. This pattern of the rejection I've faced from others in the past has significantly influenced how I treat others today. I assume that people who want to know me only do so because they need something from me. I assume an agenda on their part, rather than trust and simply think they just want to be in a relationship with me. There was quite a bit of trauma from my childhood that caused this in me today. But I've also learned that's why I'm comfortable being a leader, because it allows me a certain amoun of emotional distance. Whether or not I've hit a healthy level of this is something I'm still unsure of.

4. I've learned to be better at rolling with the punches, especially to more I work with people who can't. I find myself frusted with these, but knowing full well I can be that way too. I'm working on that.

5. I've learned the process of being called is a holy one. It's scary and frustrating and knee-shaking kind of painful. But it's holy and made me full of awe at God's providence and will at the same time.

6. I've learned that even after you're called, the process of being in ministry is also holy. I've had the privilege of sitting in my office and crying with people who are wounded. I've had the joy of praying with and for an elder starting a new business. I've had the pain of hearing a friend cry on the phone because her daughter needs surgery. I've had the ache for my seminary friends as we've lamented and worked the process of ministering to others on opposite sides of the nation. It's all hard and it's all holy.

7. I've learned that I am blessed beyond all measure and wish I realized that every second of every day.

Happy New Year, everyone. Blessings to you all in 2011.

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The Problem With Being an Adaptor

2010-12-15T23:18:00.002-06:00

So last year I took this really long leadership test here: http://www.rightpath.com/ for my Leadership and Administration in the Church class. According to this company, there are 16 different types of leaders, and I (story of my life) am the rarest one: the Adaptor.

The Adaptor leader steps into a situation and adaptors to whatever is needed. If the church is failing at Communication, I'll see it and try to fix it. If they need a better Children's ministry program, I'll build it up and get it going again. If I'm sitting in a meeting where everyone is talking, I'll be quiet (even if I have something to say.) If we need a confrontational leader, I'll be the one to do it.

Some of the other leadership types are: Director, Motivator. Stylish innovator, the Harmonizer... and many others.

When I first took the test, my professor told me he'd never met a true adaptor. There are two parts to the test and usually he could tell from the second part where someone who scored as an adaptor (in part one) actually fell based on the results of part two. But, of course, not me. In his 23 years of administrating the test, he'd never met an adaptor until me. So naturally, I was wondering if I really was one based on his comments. Now that I'm several months into a job where I'm basically the head honcho... I absolutely know it's true.

And I hate it.

So far, a lot of the stuff needed at the church is stuff way outside my "sweet spot". My sweet spot is also stuff that's needed. Eventually. But right not there are more pressing needs I must attend to in order to make it through. But what this is doing to me is causing me to burn out faster than I should, because I am spending a lot more time out of my gifting than I am in my gifting. But I'm still good at the other stuff. So good people want me to keep doing it.

So right now I'm really struggling to figure out where God's grace is in all of this. While I know there are many aspects of ministry I am not equipped to do, I know there are more I am not called to do. But when I find myself in a culture that lacks commitment and wants to paid staff person to do it, I search for ways to help them understand why I shouldn't do it, and that's not just why I don't want to do it. I firmly believe God wants us to flourish in certain areas of ministry and not all areas. But I find myself pushing against a wall put there long ago by a church that doesn't want to or think they should have to do it themselves.

Is this the death of the lay leader? Sometimes it feels like it is. I am pleading for God's gracious hand to figure out some ways for me to find time, in the midst of simply keeping parts of the ministry surviving in this church, to equip and empower others to do it instead.

God, I pray for a transformation of my heart and theirs. PLease give them the passion to commit. Please give me the spine to say no. Please offer wisdom for me to make this work.

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Acceptance

2010-10-22T15:07:00.001-05:00

So, I'm about 5 months into my new job. And Wednesday night I was overwhelmed by it. Not so much in the details of the job - i.e., the stuff that needs to get done to make a ministry even happen. I've pretty much got that down now. But I was overwhelmed in the "people side" of all.

I had a lot thrown at me last night from different people and I realized something that's been happened to me since I got here - but it was happening in pieces and I didn't put them all together until this morning, as I was talking with the senior pastor. What's happening... is that everyone is trying to get me on "their" side.

Doesn't seem like such a bad thing. But over and over again as people come to me with ideas and stories and thoughts and feelings, I've realized a couple of very important things: the person who did this job before me made a lot of enemies. And that's not me; it's just not in my nature. So it's almost as if they are reacting to her leadership - they are used to her polarizing issues. I think they are saying to themselves, "I want to get her on my side." The senior pastor experienced a lot of that when he first got here a couple of years ago. He said a lot of people made appointments with him simply to tell him "who to watch out for" So, this is where the ugly side of ministry makes me want to quit. But instead I should be angry with at Satan for urging us keep on indulging in the brokenness and sin in the world.

That said, while there have been many moments of "I soooo don't know what to do in this situation and I feel completely unqualified to deal with this," I also get a lot of affirmation and acceptance from the volunteers I work with (and the senior pastor, who affectionally told me today I was "kicking ass"). I realize a lot of this affirmation is because of the broken relationships the previous person created and it's happened because I'm doing my darndest to repair what was broken.

Last night I was facilitating a bible study where one of the women (not from our church) said, "My husband is supposed to be the one with the last word, not me." (In context, she was telling us about her "role" in the marriage.) She's baptist. And my heart hurt for her that she is being taught that. She isn't being affirmed in who she is and that makes me sick to my stomach. I am so blessed to have a boss/pastor who tells me that I am kicking ass. Who can tell when I'm having a rough time, who seeks out my insight on issues. It is in this place where I am accepted, which I'm pretty sure is what God wants for us all.

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Transformation

2010-10-19T00:45:00.006-05:00

I realized something today.

I'm not even remotely the same person I was two years ago.

Oh, there are some similarities. I still love movies and music, coffee and chocolate. I still play guitar and love the fall colors. I still laugh at the same stupid jokes and like the same kind of jewelry. But the bitterness, hurt and pain once inside me is gone. And I realized it while listening to this song:

So, yeah. Tears.

I was so afraid this transformation, which I kinda felt as it was happening, would not be permenant. That once I left the bubble of seminary I would go back to the way I was. In a way I assumed that would happen. And maybe it's too early to tell, but I find myself, even when under the most incredible stress and amidst a huge frustration that the bitterness doesn't come.

I'm sorry, but that's HUGE.

So I started thinking about when it happened. When had God done this to me? Was it when I left a job that frustrated me, was it the in the act of following God's call, was it all the crap I worked through in counseling, was it how He gave me real church family that loved me and accepted me so much? Was it all of them combined?

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

The line that always gets me in verse one is "When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"

That is my life. I just noticed that my afflictions were conquered by the One I was made to glorify. He smacked my afflictions in the face and said "No more." He restored me in the most beautiful way. It was in my mentor's office week after week as I poured my heart out to her. It was in my education classes, where I sat up front and asked question after question. It was in the writing of papers on my geneology of grace, my family's genogram, an exegetical paper on a passage in Joshua and my thesis. It was in late-night conversations with dear friends and roommates. God's glory eclipsed my afflictions. His glory was bigger than them all... and I am in repair.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way He loves us,
whoa how He loves us, whoa how He loves us

Heaven met me. It was sloppy and beautiful, messy and wonderful. But it happened and I am ever so grateful. I am new, different, transformed. His grace is sufficient and I am overwhelmed.

Being Single in the Church

2010-09-06T18:07:00.001-05:00

During my time in seminary, I found myself growing frustrated at something the church is pretty good at failing at: ministering to those who are single.

I think most people view a ministry to single people means creating a program where singles can gather together. Okay, that's fine I guess. I've never much cared for these kinds of"programs" and while in St. Louis I avoided my church's "singles ministry" like the plague. And then after a while I noticed how many different sermons I'd hear on marriage (this was after about a year and a half at this church). Most of these sermons were structured to talk about the difficulties of marriage and the blessings, too. That's something I simply can't relate to. While it may be interesting information, it's not relevant to me. And after I realized I'd heard 5 sermons in the last year and a half on marriage, I asked myself, "Have I heard any on being single?" No, I hadn't.

I understand it might not be that easy for a married pastor to do a sermon on being single, but I would like to know why this subject is being avoided so much.

Another thing I've noticed, especially once I passed the age of 30, is that most of the people my age - and the one I connected with - were married. Some with kids, some without. This also became frustrating at family events, where everyone my age spent the entire day talking about their kids. It's really hard for a single person to join in the conversation about the hardships of their kids teething, or getting teased at school, or about how they are developing in school subjects. Family members I once could talk to for hours and hours about things became family members with which I no longer had anything in common. It made me sad, but it also kind of made me angry, truthfully. Why did the conversation always have to be about them and nothing else?

So, back to the sermon thing. As I noticed that I'd never heard a sermon about the perils and blessings of being single (though I heard many about the perils and blessing of marriage) I looked at the people who I considered to be good friends - and almost all were married. There were a blessed handful who invited to do thing with them and their friends - whether it was dinner, art in the park, a concert, etc. But it took a long time for us to get to that point, and even then it was rare for such an invitation to happen, truthfully. It's very common to come to church on Sunday and hear some of your friends talk about what they did on the 4th of July or the dinner they had together the night before. And I don't want to come across of lamenting about "not getting invited" but I do wonder if there isn't some sense of 1.) She's single and I don't know what to do with her. or 2.) I think she will feel uncomfortable around a bunch of couples. And maybe the second is true for some single people, it just doesn't happen to be the case with me. I'm probably far more comfortable with my married couple friends than I ever am in a room full of single church members who've gathered together for Super Bowl Sunday. (The second makes me a little nauseous, actually.)

So it seems that sermons about being single could help, don't you? If married couples aren't sure what to do with us, perhaps a pastor could remind them they they are just people looking to connect - with anyone, regardless of relationships status. And by labeling us single in the first place, it's kind of like putting a large scarlet letter "A" on our chest, so that everyone knows there must be something wrong with us. There are married couples out there that remember what singlehood is like (And thankfully one of them goes to my church now and they always ask me to do things). But I would love to see this kind of attitude come from the leadership in the church - I would love to hear a sermon that reminds congregation members that being single is hard, and that single people need all the support that we can get (from married people in particular!) just to make it through this life.

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Trust

2010-09-03T18:43:00.003-05:00

"You are going to have to decide if your unrest is the Spirit not giving you peace or your fear of following God into the unknown." - Friar Tuck

I've heard some say that it's much easier to live with a sovereign Lord because no matter your decision it is the Lord's will. "Nothing happens outside the Lord's will," I hear over and over again. And I believe, I guess. But I also must say I believe it's actually harder to live with, because your trust in him is paramount.

It's hard for me to accept that the Lord's will was for this to happen or for this to happen. Any good reformer will say that it's our sin nature that causes it. So God is responsible for only the good stuff and not the really heinous stuff?

I know where I could be headed with this isn't good. But I do feel, at time, the neccecisity of pointing out the other side of the theological tension here.To ignore it is to ignore one of the greatest gifts God gave us: our minds. But what this post is about (actually, what most of my posts are about) is the heart. The unrest of the heart that kind either be about my own fear or about the Spirit moving.

Whenever I find myself in a situation where I realize how I need to trust God, I am troubled. Troubled because I find it so much easier to not trust him and rather, trust myself. This is a very dangerous place to be as his child, and I'm realizing more and more that's it's even more dangerous when you are in the vocation of ministry.

Two weeks ago I attended our Presbytery latest meeting, where the speaking (Joan Gray) spoke about Sailboat Christianity. She asked us, "Are we rowing the boat ourselves? Or are we allowing the Holy Spirit to blow the boat in whatever direction he sees fit." These are tough question to ask ourselves, because to admit one is to admit you don't trust God. I've had to do some of that (the trusting) of late, especially as I faced a decision - to come to Arizona or choose something else. To choose something else who have been just as much of a leap of faith and choosing to go, but it doesn't always seem like that (to yourselves or maybe even to others).

What I am now looking for is some way to me to measure this. I know it sounds crazy, but i don't know that I truly recognized the depth of my lack if trust in God. Actually, I do think I trust God. I just trust myself more. And what a terrible, awful place to be - in a place where you trust the fallible more than the infallible. Yet I find it much easier to blame the unrest I sometimes feel on the Spirit, rather than just admitting I am afraid.

Father, I pray for your guidance and your guidance alone. Allow me to understand when I'm trusting myself more than you, and not trusting you enough. Stop me cold in my tracks, if need be, if I ever step outside your will. Amen.

A New Birth

2010-08-18T13:03:00.001-05:00

My blog silence has been rather inexcusable of late. Though I have had some major life changes and am still in the process of settling in and feeling normal again, I also have a healthy perspective that things may never feel normal again.

That said, I think it's simply because I got out of the regular habit of journaling in seminary because I didn't have the time. It is now time to re-discipline myself, and I just haven't done it yet.

I have, however, been thinking a lot about re-birth. In the last two weeks I've been unpacking thing that were in storage for the last two years, placing objects with wonderful memories attached to them around my new home. I've painted many walls, shopped for new furniture, towels, yard supplies, lamps, and curtains. And occasionally I sit down on my sofa and look around at mostly old, familiar things. Things that were gifts, things that once belonged to family members, things I purchased on trips to see family and friends. They are things that reflect me and my life, but they are in a new place. The look the same, but they also kind of don't. And I wondered, "Is this at like what it's like to be re-born?"

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. He came to Jesus at night and said, "Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him."

In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3: 1-8

I've been a Christ-follower my whole life. I did not have the "conversion moment" that so many talk about. I've just been on a journey [to heaven's own bright king]. I guess you could say I've been in the process of re-birth my whole life. And yet, I'm still me.

The familiar things that now surround me in my new home are not unlike my old self. They still look the same... by themselves. But in a new place, they are altered. So I must ask, what new place am I in right now?

The obvious answer is Arizona. But there is another new place where I reside, and it's in a place of transformation that I never grow tired of talking about. That sometimes wears me down and makes me weary, but never completely knocks me down.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. - 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

This passage often comes to mind when I know I am being pressed, altered, and transformed. So in reading on to the rest of the passage, all of my thoughts about re-birth begin to make sense.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. -2 Corinthians 4:10-12

I am still me, but constantly being changed by the gracious work of our Lord and Savior. But just as sure as I am in a new state, new job and new home, I am also still me. But the beauty of the gospel is that it is never stagnant. How wonderful is that?

Starting Over

2010-06-19T17:24:00.002-05:00

I was driving through town the other day, running a few errands. That always take a bit longer when you are getting to know a new city. And this city is kinds of a strange one... it's very spread out with lots of small locally owned places. So a quick glance at signs doesn't necessarily tell me much.

Once again, I am finding myself starting over. Didn't I JUST do this? Having to find new things of nearly everything, like a hairdresser, a mechanic, a bank, a mary kay lady. Blech.(At least I don't have to go church shopping. *Ba-dum-bum*)

"...and he also gave them provisions for their journey. - Gen. 45:21"

I never tire of reminding myself that 'God's work done God's way will never lack God's supply'. The mode I feel I am in right now, though, is "survival". I often feel as though I am moving from deadline to deadline, program to program, event to event, and am unable to work on the theory of building a good support system, of training and equipping those in education, of writing policies and putting some structure in place.

It's as if I am not only starting over in my life, but beginning something completely new in this ministry. I came here not wanting to do that, because I wanted to honor what the previous woman did here, and honor the church's culture, and spend time figuring all that out. But as it seems more clear to me that what was done before didn't work, I am now faced with deciding what to change, how to change it, and when to make that happen. I have a committee of wonderful people looking to me to make those decisions when it feels kind of wrong for me to be the one who does. Not because the Lord hasn't gifted or equipped me. I believe he has. But because I don't know this place the way they do.

My challenge is helping them understand that even though they hired me and I have the expertise and experience they wanted, I cannot be the white knight. I will not make decisions for this church on my own. I don't want to be that leader... the leader that starts over just to start over. The leader that starts over because she thinks she knows what is best.

I don't know what is best for this place. And that may freak some people out. I just need to figure out how to be a leader in the process of starting over, without completely starting over. I need to figure out how to lead adaptively, in a way that not only works, but helps them understand why.

A Sweet Moment

2010-06-10T21:26:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I had the privilege of being part of a sweet and wonderful pastoral moment.

My new pastor and I were at lunch and were able to stop by a congregation member's new business on the way back to out church. This new business officially opens on Monday, and my pastor wanted to see how things were coming along. Ken (the owner) graciously gave us a tour of his new office (he's an eye doctor). Several of his family members were there setting up displays for eyeglasses and things were still in progress.

After talking with Ken about this new endeavor he's undertaking, my pastor asked him if we could prayer together over the building, the business, his family and this new adventure. The three of us stood in the front of the waiting room and prayed together for the Spirit to work and for God's blessing over it all.

These are the kind of pastoral moments I often miss. I'm not naturally wired to think this way, really, and wouldn't have thought to pray with Ken. I am thankful to have a senior pastor who models this and allows me to be part of it. I am in place where my presence and my gifts are not only acknowledged but appreciated and allowed to flourish. It is also a place where coming alongside people is an everyday occurrence; where mentoring and learning are greatly valued. I never thought I would find a place that fit me. And maybe they, after a long time of looking, never thought they would find someone to fit them. But God made that happen.

I am blessed beyond all that I deserve.

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An Unexamined Life

2010-06-05T23:01:00.007-05:00

Now that I am no longer a student, I find myself in this odd time of transition. Where I can't find anything I need (because it's all packed in boxes or suitcases), where I'm not really sure what to do with my time because there isn't something else really pressing due next week, and where I am seeing people new and differently.

I now live in the desert. It hasn't quite hit me yet, and probably won't until I settle into my new home, which won't be until August. I, once again, have made a major life change just as I did almost two years ago. I left all that is familiar to follow a call I did not completely understand but one I was sure of, and everything changed for me. Here I am in, in the same situation, but far less scared than I was back then. When I think back as to why, it all comes down to one simple thing: assurance.

The Lord always provided for me when I lived in St. Louis. I was going to school (an expensive one) full-time. I had 3 part-time jobs, a lot of amazing friendships, and a lot of craziness in my life. But every difficult moment brought deep joy and a great thirst for a deeper knowledge of my Lord. They say pleasure is opposed to pain, but joy is often born out of trial. What I went through these last two years was truly a trial. If I had to do it all over again I would and I would never want to trade the experience I had at that challenging institution for anything, because the Lord taught me things. People taught me things. I would never want to not have this experience.

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living"... and I did a lot of examining in seminary. I now know this is an area I truly fell short in previously. The next phase of my life will be about continuing to deprogram myself so I continue the examining. Donald Miller said in his newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, "maybe we were designed to live through something rather than to attain something." I now understand, more than ever, that living through something rightly is not just surviving, but experiencing as it happens, and looking back to ask what it all means. I am a character in God's story, and it's up to me to understand the plot he is writing with me. I may not ever fully understand what just happened to me in the last two years, but I am most certainly going to try.

Trust

2010-04-15T20:01:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine recently got married, and she said something very intriguing to me when she described the feelings she had on her wedding day.

She said, "There was this part of me that wasn't ready to let go of my parents, because I never quite had the relationship with my dad that I wanted. I wasn't fully ready to "let go", because I didn't feel the safety of his love. Does that make sense? It does to me, because I know it is backed by research. Children who are secure in their parents love are more likely to feel the safety to spread their wings and leave the nest, because they know their parents will always be right there, cheering them on. "

I had to stop and ponder what that looks like in our relationship with our heavenly father.

As I've come to understand the mistrust I have in people, I've wondered if there is a connection between how I see them (as untrustworthy) and how I see God. How do you really know if you trust God? I feel as though my actions (such as moving my live to St. Louis to go to seminary) show some measure of trust in him and his providence. But is that all I use as my measuring stick?

Last Saturday I was offered a job. In this economy, being fresh out of seminary, that’s a pretty big deal.

Not just because it would mean moving halfway across the United States to a place where I don’t know anyone, in a town full of mostly retired people. But it’s a big deal because this is a job where I’d get to use my degree, use my gifts, in a denomination which I largely respect. But these last few days have been pretty close to hell for me.

Saying no to the only job offer you've had so far is just as much of a step of faith as saying yes to the same job offer. If I say no to the church in Arizona, it could be looked as one of two ways: 1.) That's it's stupid to say no to a job in this economy, that's almost everything you went to seminary for, and is a great opportunity. or 2.) Saying no could also mean that I trust the Lord has something else in mind for me that’s more of what I need right now. What I’m currently doing is putting enough pressure on myself that I might as well believe the world will fall apart if I don’t make the right choice.

However, I feel like it’s just a stupid to take this lightly. It took a long time for my call to be revealed to me. I graduated college without any sense of direction, not knowing at all what I wanted to do fro a living. I just knew I wanted to serve God. The process from then to now has been a process of hurt and hope, damage and restoration, love and grace. But why is taking the next step such a challenge for me right now?

In thinking of the answer to that question, I cannot help but think of Thorton Wilder’s words: "In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.”

My wounded soul doesn’t preclude me from trusting the Lord. At least, I don’t think it does. But what it can do is make cloudy the goodness he has so often extended to me. My wounded soul was born out the hardship and pain, and sometimes that’s so much easier to see than his blessings.

Posted via email from stephanienels's posterous

Belonging to God - Part 2

2010-04-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

So I'm leaving tomorrow morning on a flight to Phoenix. I'm packing, thinking about the questions I need to ask while I'm there, wondering what this leg of this crazy journey will bring...

It's a really weird thing to be terrified of what will happen next and still trust that God knows what he is doing (I'll be writing more on this trust later... I've realized what a big issue this is for me right now). This uncertainty grips my heart and seizes nearly every waking moment of my life right now. It's all consuming, unforgettable and just plain hard. When I start to articulate my feelings to those I love so dearly, I realize that whatever happens, happens. If I don't have a job after I graduate, the world will not stop turning. (A friend sent me an email on Tuesday saying just that, reminding me that I told her that when she was going through something similar. Oh, how we easily forget.)

So much of what I am feeling right now plays into my story. The story I've unpacked and unraveled in the last 9 months. It's the story of my past, the story that made me who I am today. The way I think and behave and feel is all connected to what I've already been through.

But it is my story. I cannot change it. I can only seek to live well through it and understand it as best I can. I've learned why I react the way I do when I'm critiqued, I've learned what it means for me to be in process and how to be okay with that, I've learned what it means to be a saint... and so much more I haven't even posted about.

Something you may notice, if you see the labels off the the side of my blog, is the label "Identity" has the largest number of posts. There is a very important part of my story connected to that, which I don't have time to fully write about now. But here's what God has to say about identity:

As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be q a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices s acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For it stands in Scripture:

“Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone,
a cornerstone chosen and precious,
and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”
So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,
“The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,”

and

“A stone of stumbling,
and a rock of offense.”

They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. -1 Peter 2: 4-10

I am a people for his own possession. I am uniquely created for something. I belong to God.

As I sat as Osage Lake two weeks ago, in silence (save the birds and the wind) the Lord whispered to my heart and said, "You belong to me." There are so many reasons why this statement is huge - because of what I've already been through in my life and because of my own story. This matters. This is big. I am chosen and precious, I am set as a seal upon his heart, I have been called out of darkness into his light. This is a truth to which I will cling.

Belonging to God - Part 1

2010-04-05T19:52:00.005-05:00

I may have a major decision to make in the next two weeks. Or I may not. Bleh.

In my "old" age, I've learned I don't like change very much. I don't like seasons of unrest or uncertainty. These seasons make me feel anxious, worried, and well... downright awful.I struggle to really trust the Lord in these times, when I don't know what he's up to, what the world is up to and what I'm supposed to do.

I'd like to be able to say that I am 100% trusting in him. As my Creator, I am sure he knows what's best for me. I am sure he loves me. But sometimes, when it comes down to the brass tacks, I just freak out. I struggle with trying to figure out what decision will honor him, to do what he wants and I struggle to actually make the stupid decision because I am so worried I will not be in his will. I wrestle with the tension of what my responsibility is and how his sovereignty plays itself out in my life. Yet I realized something very interesting on my long drive back home today. I realizing that what I am learning in the midst of this wrestling is the importance of being bold.

It's hard being in the Reformed faith sometimes, because there is such a big focus on our sinful nature. I understand why this is important, because unless I truly understand the gravity of my sinfulness, I can never fully understand why Jesus had to die on the cross. God's holiness required a payment for my rebellion.. in the form of a perfect sacrifice. The only one who could do that was God himself. That's how big my sin is. That's how big his holiness is. But...

he rose.

I can't stay on Good Friday, dwelling on the great sacrifice he gave me. I shouldn't. I must honor it, be reverent to it, be thankful for it and be in awe of it. But I must not get stuck on Good Friday... because Sunday came, and on that day sin was defeated. My sin was defeated. Your sin was defeated. If I focus on Friday I will miss the party. And that party is what allows me to be bold.

I sin. But I am not a sinner. That's why I can't dwell in a perpetual state of Good Friday. Jesus' death and resurrection defeated the sin in me and gave me a new name: saint. It feels strange to say that sometimes, because I feel like I'm being prideful. But Romans 8 tells me that I am in the Spirit. That's something to rejoice in. That's something that makes me bold.

There's a great old hymn, written in 1838, that beautifully illustrates not only what it means to be bold, but WHY we can be.

Come boldly to a throne of grace,
Ye wretched sinners come;
And lay your load at Jesus' feet,
And plead what he has done.
"How can I come?" Some soul may say,
"I'm lame and cannot walk;
My guilt and sin have stopped my mouth;
I sigh, but dare not talk."

Come boldly to the throne of grace,
Though lost, and blind, and lame;
Jehovah is the sinner's Friend,
And ever was the same.

He makes the dead to hear his voice;
He makes the blind to see;
The sinner lost he came to save,
And set the prisoner free.

Come boldly to the throne of grace,
For Jesus fills the throne;
And those he kills he makes alive;
He hears the sigh or groan.

Poor bankrupt souls, who feel and know
The hell of sin within,
Come boldly to the throne of grace;
The Lord will take you in.

Listen to it here.

A Word from the Lord

2010-03-27T23:14:00.006-05:00

It's my last semester of seminary, so that means job hunting. Yuck.

But I found a job description excited me. So I called the church and talked to the senior pastor. He went to seminary with friends of mine from college. His wife is from Nebraska. He said he would take a look at my profile and resume, so I sent it to him.

Two weeks ago I had a phone interview with him and the search committee. It was intense, but good. Last week I got an email from the senior pastor telling me that they loved my answers, and wanted to talk with me further. He asked me where i was at, what I was feeling, and what the Spirit was telling me. I replied, telling him I enjoyed our conversation as well and that I would love to talk further.

I didn't hear anything for almost a week. Good thing a friend of mine was in town for a visit, or I might have gone mad.

Then, this last Wednesday the pastor called me and said, "We all really liked you, and want to fly you out to meet us."

Yikes.

I set off for Windridge Solitude, a hermitage run by Roman Catholic nuns one hour south of St. Louis. I spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning there. It was blissful, peaceful, divine and sweet. I knew that in going, I would seek answers to the call. Do I belong at this new church? Will I even get a job offer? Should I take it if one is offered? What about the job possibility here? What about those two other jobs I just applied for last week? So many questions... I knew it was possible I would leave without answers. The Lord works the way the Lord works, and it pretty much never ceases to surprise me.

As I sat by Lake Osage, pondering my questions I realized something very significant I needed to admit to myself. I am afraid. I'm afraid of lots of things. And I don't want my fear to get in the way of a call.

I took a solitude walk on Friday morning. (It rained all day on Thursday so I couldn't do much walking then). The sun was out, bright and shining (rare for St. Louis, that's for sure) and I turned my ipod on to Red Mountain Church and this song came up.

Narrow Little Road
I believe in the love of God
It is an orphan's wildest dream
It is a narrow little road
It is an ever-widening desert stream

Oh I, and I,
I will leave this road
For the narrow

It is portrayed in the bread and wine
Let it fortify my bones
It is more than just a sign
It is the fountain from that desert stone

Oh I, and I,
I will leave this road
For the narrow

I have to be willing to go where I'm afraid to go - where I don't want to go. I have to leave the wide and comforting road I've built for myself, for a narrow road that God built for me.

The Lord gave me another word during my hermitage. But I'll save that for later. I've got church tomorrow. :)

Capstone

2010-02-20T17:32:00.006-06:00

This is my last semester of seminary. And probably my most challenging and busy.

I'm working 25 a week for the church, and am the TA grader for the head of the education department (which is about 5 more hours a week). I have 10 hours of classes (and not terrible easy classes, either) AND I have to do my capstone.

Capstone is this school's choice for finishing up your master's degree. Some school have you do a thesis paper, which focuses on a single subject encompassing for field of study. CTS has us do a capstone, which involves assembling a portfolio of the last year a half of assignments and re-visiting them. Sometimes that means re-doing the project, sometimes it means reflecting on the assinment in light of experiences since then, or using Wiggin's Facets of Understanding, and perhaps using Bloom's Taxonomy to see the value of an assignment. There are various ways this can work.

Then I write a paper on what my philosophy of education is, and give a presentation during finals week (which includes a time of Q&A from my peers). This is all part of the "capstone" requirement. Thus far, my capstone experience has been somewhat earth-shattering (is it possible for earth-shattering to be "somewhat"? I'm not sure, but I don't want to be over-dramatic).

Because a good portion of it is reflection on your work and yourself, of course, it is intensely personal. And as a by-product of this encompassing so much of my life, it is spilling over into everything else, like work. I'm finding myself asking questions about my very deepest fears and weakness, some of which nearly bring me to my knees in humility and reverence for who God is and in shame for who I am.

I was talking to the staff counselor at my church the other day while we waited for the coffee to brew in our office area. He asked about my semester, interested because he also went to seminary. As I was talking about some of the recent experiences I had, he looked at me and said, "You know, I just forget what some of you are going through. My seminary time was extremely formative and so difficult. I forget that you are going through what I went through 10 years ago." And he simply shook his head, and I could tell he was remembering all that seminary has come to mean to him since then.

Capstone: noun
1.) a stone placed at the top of a building or wall
2.) the best and final thing that somebody achieves, thought of as making their career or life complete

While my capstone is hardly the "final" thing I will achieve, I do see it as the last piece in the puzzle has has turned into my seminary experience. The portfolio I create will be an ongoing resource throughout my life, from here on out, as an educator. Psalm 118 has these beautiful words to say, echoed by Jesus many years later:

This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.

I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.

The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;

the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.

This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

O LORD, save us;
O LORD, grant us success.
(v. 20-25)

I love the fact that after the capstone verse, it says "the Lord has done this" because God knows I can't do it myself. And like the next verse suggests, there will be rejoicing. I too, like David, pray for the Lord to save me and to grant me success. In my learning, my reflection on learning, in my application of this learning, and... well, in finding a job.

I am .01 away from graduating Summa Cum Laude. That isn't the point, I know, but it would feel really nice.

I Celebrate 2009

2010-01-04T18:21:00.001-06:00

And with this Christmas wish is missed the point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say
To let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me,
In the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

For the last few years, the song "I Celebrate the Day" by Reliant K has haunted me each Christmas. The first verse (lyrics above) broke my heart, because each year I saw myself in those lyrics. Each year I felt as though I was standing in the same place as last year, with no growth in my walk with Christ, no growth in emotional maturity... just no growth period.

I had to write a 10 page final paper for one of my education classes this semester; an analysis on my family genogram and reflecting on how this will affect me as a leader in ministry. Not an easy task, obviously, but as I did all the analysis and reflection I realized something very important: this year, I don't identify with these lyrics.

It's still an amazing song and it still breaks my heart with its truth. But I can say with confidence that I am not in the same place this year as I was last year. God moved me forward in some wonderfully unexpected ways that involve lots of disequilibration, differentiation from my family system, the book of Joshua, and vampires. Weird combination, I know. But I suppose that's why it is so dis-equilibrating. But I've learned how to be okay with that.

All of this is why I am celebrating 2009.

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here
And I, I celebrate the day that You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

My Favorite of 2009 - Music

2009-12-22T21:51:00.012-06:00

Derek Webb - Stockholm Syndrome

Derek's never been afraid of controversy and his latest is no exception. But of crazy and catchy electronic sounds and lyrics, Derek album covers a huge gamut of hot button issues, such as consumerism, date rape, the war and the way Christian treat homosexuals. Not only is it musically creative, but it stirs the mind and the heart. That's exactly why it's on list.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise

Let's be honest, SCC is old for the music industry, even the Christian music industry. Dude's been around for years. But there is a reason. He's just writes great music.

In the wake of his daughter's tragic death, I think we all wondered what his next album would be like. And it was amazing. The only way to first listen to this album is in one sitting, uninterrupted, where you can hear every lyric and every crack in his voice. (And don't forget the tissues.) Every song is about Maria, his family's wrestling with God's sovereignty in the midst of pain, and it is absolutely heart-breaking.

Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane.

The reason this album is on my list, even though I've failed to give it a really good and hard listen? Is this song: Always. Here are a taste of the lyrics:

Hallelujah!
I’m caving in
Hallelujah!
I’m in love again
Hallelujah!
I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah!
Every breath is a second chance

Oh, and it's produced by Charlie Peacock, so that alone gives it a spot.

The Answer Man

2009-12-15T19:57:00.005-06:00

This semester I read a great book, A Matrix of Meanings, that significantly altered the way I view pop culture. And today I had had the experience of watching a movie through the matrix of meanings the authors write about.

In celebration of finishing up my finals for the semester I spent the afternoon watching The Answer Man, a tale of a reclusive famous author who wrote a book 20 years ago that people still remember and adore. According to his literary agent, he owns 10% of the "God" market, all because he wrote about the questions he asked God, and answers he claimed God gave him. Jeff Bridges and Lauren Graham are adorable in their roles, and much a the script is predictable. But every once and awhile, a small gem would appear.

Bridges plays the author, Arlen Faber, who's become a recluse in the 20 years since his success, hiding from the fact he made the whole bit about talking to God up. The character also lost his father to Alzheimer's five years ago, and it's obvious he shut down after this event in his life. He and Graham have a typical "meet cute" and on their first date, he show her a cabinet full of figurines - of monsters - he and his dad collected together. Graham urges him to take them out of the cabinet to enjoy them, and places one on his piano.

Later in the scene, she tries to kiss him. He jerks away, grabbing the monster figurine and tries to rush it back to the cabinet. He stops, "I'm blowing it again, aren't I?" he asks.

"No. I love it when I'm about to kiss someone and they leave me to protect a plastic toy." she replies.

"But I kiss so much better knowing they're safe."

Before I read A Matrix of Meanings, I think I would have seen this simply as a cute comeback to her witty remark. But as the book taught me, I looked closer. I saw a man who's a mess, with his own private "monsters" chasing him. Those monsters keep him from really knowing anyone, and from anyone really knowing him. And it's easy to keep them locked up, where no one can see them, least of all you.

Arlen was brave enough to show his monsters, and as we all have similar monsters plaguing us, we often feel safer when they are locked up, don't we?

Pop culture is a reflection of our world, and inside each creation of music, art, movies, is an expression of something.

And that something is to be paid attention to.

Seminary and Money

2009-12-02T18:24:00.005-06:00

I hate that those two words even have to go together. But it's a very real issue I face every single day.

When I first left my full-time job and moved to St. Louis, the first thing that scared me to death was the lose of a paycheck. It's hard when your bank account first empties all the way, and you still have groceries to buy for the month, or gas to put in your car (the very car that you have to own in order to get to work (Don't get me wrong, St. Louis actually has a great public transportation - I love the Metro. But the closest station is actually just up the street from where I work, which is 11 miles away from where I live. Not having a car just wasn't an option for me.)

And it's not as if I made that much money before, anyway. Graphic Design sounds really cool, but it pay very little. But it was a regular pay check I could count on. I went from working 50 hours a week @ one full-time and one part-time job to working 10-15 hours a week as an intern to fulfill my field education requirement. Yikes.

God has been good to me. I've never doubted that. But I will leave this place will a big loan to pay off. And as a female in a male-dominated vocation (paid ministry) scholarships just don't come around that often. I applied at lots of places, and while only a couple worked out, the rest just put me on a bunch of mailing lists. I am really hoping that this seminary scholarship works out for me next semester. Money is just one aspect of what's been hard about seminary... but as you know, if you read any of my posts here, there are many more hard things I've gone through.

I am a perfectionist. And I'm really, really hard on myself. I live in a house with 5 girls, all very different and very much the same as me. I am working at a 2000+ church where the women I serve have very different lives than me. All I can think sometimes is, what can I possible offer them?

I came from a life where I was expected to performed on a regular basis, and perform flawlessly. The color on the cover of the catalog must be the right shade of grey, the photo of that kitchen must be altered to work just right for the application, the worship set must be so tight that everyone is engaged completely. And all the while I must do it with a freakin' big smile on my face like nothing is wrong.

I was so busy performing, and rarely receiving grace from anyone that I never gave grace to anyone. My heart was so wrapped up in getting it right that when others didn't I had no patience. "If I can do it, why can't they?"

I HATE what I turned into.

And now, in this season of seminary life, God had turn that upside-down for me. Because to live your life in grace is to live a life free from expectations. And that is what so often traps and imprisons us from not only enjoying life and being happy, but to being the person God created you to be in the first place. I was created to be a child of God, no longer enslaved to sin but set free in Christ, who loves me no matter now many times I don't perform.

It's taken me a long time to be okay with this, a long time to admit that seminary has done this for me. But it has.

And while the serving God in the church and this loving and serving his people thing that I pray comes out of these two years is good, I think that my lessons learned are also good. And worth every penny. (though i wish it cost much fewer pennies...)

Evergreen

2009-11-30T16:43:00.003-06:00

Me and the trees, losing our leaves
Falling like blood on the ground
I want to be evergreen
Everything dies, I know last night
Part of me wasn't around
I want to be evergreen
Yeah, evergreen...

Waiting, and listening
Hoping and missing all of our time left alone
I'm the one cutting the rope
Frostbite in winter, 'cause like a splinter you come and follow me down
I'm the one cutting the rope

Holiday end, I'm here once again, and I'm left alone on the bus with my
head on the ground, in hopes that I'm found by you
this time around

The sun will rise soon and tackle the moon
Chasing it still in the sky
All that I've got is tonight
Excuses and reasons, and now tis the season
For all that I never got right
All that I've got is tonight

Holiday end, I'm here once again, and I'm left alone on the bus with my
head on the ground, in hopes that I'm found by you
this time around

The night is a crow, saying come hold me
All that I know is that I've been lonely for thee
All that I knew and all that I know, I found myself under your rain
I want to be evergreen
I want to be evergreen

Holiday end, I'm here once again, and I'm left alone on the bus with my
head on the ground, in hopes that I'm found by you
this time around
I want to be evergreen..

I want to live all year round - "Evergreen" Switchfoot

For the past ten years, a strange little group out of the California surfer scene has been in my life. I found them by accident, one day wandering into an equally strange little music store in Colorado Springs. The owner shoved "The Legend of Chin" into my hands and I was hooked. Their music is weird, strong and wonderful, the lyrics poetic and insightful and dead on.

Now that I'm down waxing philosophical on music, I wanted to share these lyrics of their with you - it's a rare song from them, on the first volume of the Happy Christmas albums from Tooth and Nail records. It's classic Switchfoot - thoughtful lyrics with a great bass line. And it's yet another song of theirs that's affected my heart in an unexpected way. (24, Dare You to Move, This is Your Life, and Awakening are on that list.)

Evergreen trees are amazing creations. It seems no amount of hot or cold kills them and they remain green all year along. The definition of an evergreen according to Answers.com? "Perennially fresh or interesting; enduring."

I want to be evergreen.

I don't feel fresh and interesting. I want more than anything to be enduring. But above all that, I want to live all year long. Not just exist. Not just go through the motions. I want to live out the passion that burns deep within my heart. The passion that comes with living out a purpose and being someone who matters. It's been a common theme for the last few years of my life - this idea of inspiring others and myself to "be the change they seek" (to paraphrase Ghandi).

This December night, with snow on the ground and a chill in the air, I find myself not wanting to lose my leaves, not wanting to follow the earth's movement into the death of winter. Instead I long to awaken the parts of me I've allowed to die and rediscover life.

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why / I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky / But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been / And it's still winter in my wonderland

______________

I am reposting this from December 4, 2007. There is much in this post that still rings true for me, but there is one significant change:

Moving to St. Louis awakening things in me that were long gone. It's awakened so much in me, while I'm not sure I'm evergreen just yet, I am most certainly feeling fresh, and definitely feeling as though I'm enduring.

Maybe it's because "I've found myself under your rain". It has, after all, rained a lot since I moved here.

Breathe In Breathe Out

2009-11-26T21:30:00.008-06:00

I walked outside this morning, bundled up in a couple of sweatshirts, my coat, a scarf and my slippers. It was 6am and I sat on the porch swing hanging *under* our porch. I started to swing. I watched a few lone cars traveling west on 1-64, I saw the sun come up in the reflection on the chapel windows. I took a breath...

and then I smelled it. Winter.

This is my first Thanksgiving without my family. I realize this is something I need to prepare myself for, because it's likely the Lord will take me far, far away from them after I finish my degree. But sitting on that swing this morning, shivering under all my layers, trying hard to forget that I live in a city... I didn't want to be here. This is the first time I can honestly say that being in St. Louis wasn't what I wanted for the moment. Being away from what I know and where I am most comfortable is not where I wanted to be.

The smell of winter has its own life. It's crisp, cold, clean. For me, it's always held a promise it in. The promise of God making a dying land beautiful again, a promise of warm sweaters and hot chocolate, the promise of special time with friends, drinking wine and making Christmas cookies.

I need to remind myself to breathe.

Because there is promise in that breath.

I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone. I think I just needed to write this for me.

Winter

2009-11-14T23:19:00.003-06:00

This is the winter I am used to. Driving on a gravel road, looking to my right or left and seeing the tracks of a combine, a truck or a tractor in the field. The shelter of trees in the background tell me that somewhere nearby is a house or a farm, even if you can't see it. These trees speckle a landscape of flat land, rolling hills and spacious skies. The bright sun doesn't offer much warmth, and there is the presence of bitter wind. The ground a usually dull shade of brown, dying form the frost, the cold... the winter. The winter's are harsh in Nebraska. But to me, they are worth it.

Winter in St. Louis is very different. It's cloudy, damp, and kinda sad. Things are green, red, yellow. But not brown. The birds are still outside chirping, you can still go outside without a coat (usually a scarf will suffice, maybe some gloves on an usually cold day). Always take an umbrella or wear your raincoat. Invest in rainboots or you'll spend two or three seasons with wet shoes, wet socks and wet feet.

But most people that I talk to about St. Louis weather, when I describe Nebraska winter they say they will take winter in St. Louis any day over snow. I just don't understand that. Snow is magical in my mind. It gives new life to a dead earth, it shines and shimmers and sparkles... it in a word, it's gorgeous. For me, it's home.

Why Be Vulnerable?

2009-10-28T20:44:00.000-05:00

I’m good a keeping people at arms length. I’m fully aware of how this isn’t healthy behavior, but over years and years of getting hurt, I’ve found keeping people at arms length to be my survival technique.

My fear of being hurt can be controlled by me – by how close I let people get.

So as I think about chipping away at this wall, of letting go of this control, I cannot help but ask myself why? Why do I have to do this? Why is it important to be vulnerable with others? Why do I need to? What are the benefits?

Any thoughts?

Grieving the Loss

2009-10-10T20:43:00.001-05:00

A common term I hear around the seminary, mainly from counseling students, is the idea of “grieving the loss.” I hadn’t taken much time to find out what it meant, nor did I assume it was something I needed. Until last week.

I have the opportunity to take advantage of free counseling that the seminary provides for students. My counselor is an intern going through the Masters in Counseling program, and her time with me is part of her degree. I’ve had nine sessions with her, and I’ve found her to be insightful, thought provoking, and just really good at what she does. But had my counseling really helped me very much? Not really. It helped me understand myself a little better, helped me get over not being willing to talk to another about my struggles, but that was about it.

Then God kicked me in the can.

In one of my classes I am learning about my identity as a leader in the church. Last week our reading had a chapter about “understanding your tuning” i.e., knowing what your triggers are and figuring out why they are a triggers and learning to cope with them. In this context, I found myself wondering why I so frequently have overly emotional responses to things that aren’t a very big deal. So as I began to examine my tuning, I found myself thinking about the last time I reacted strongly to a situation that didn’t merit it. It involved a professor making me feel as though I didn’t take a personality test right I found myself frustrated and dejected, even though everything I knew about this professor told my head that he didn’t mean to make me feel that way. But I did feel that way.

Here comes the hard part, because it’s awful and sad and cliché:

I grew up with two parents who regularly critiqued me for a poor performance – whether it was how I made the bed, how I vacuumed the living room, or how I sang my solo on Sunday morning or baked that bread for 4-H. This became so painful for me that I remembered asking them, after they would yell or critique me, if they still loved me. They typically dismissed my question as silly and moved on to the next thing.

So yes, my counselor led me to blaming my parents for my trouble. See what I mean by cliché?

But the trouble is still there. My heart explodes in fear and panic whenever I am criticized. When something I plan doesn’t go perfectly, I beat myself up. I realize that many, if not all people experience a measure of this, so maybe I’m not all that special. But these emotions have debilitated me unnecessarily. Parents are right to correct their children to help them do better the next time, but they are not to make their child’s worth lie in success. And even if my parents’ intent was never to do that, their reaction to my emotional response should never have been dismissive or disapproving of my emotions. The combination of the two have led me down a path of many years spent in sorrow for my failure, fear of being seen as incompetent, and a stunted ability to grow as a person.

So now what? Typically after I process through something this significant in my life, like this, naming it is enough for me. Or, more accurately, what I thought was the end of the road. Not that I would still experience the pain in some way, but naming it was what allowed me to move on. But I can’t do that now.

My counselor mention in our last session that she thought I was moving on too quickly from things that were painful and difficult. When I asked her what else I needed to do, she didn’t give me any answers (as good counselors do). She asked me to think about how I was emotionally attached or not attached to a situation that was difficult for me. She told me she didn’t think I was “sitting in the emotion” long enough to understand it or process it. (Did I mention she did this before I realized why I am triggered by the slightly hint of criticism?)

So, in short, here is the timeline: a professor triggered me. The next week my counselor asked me to think about why I consistently move on from difficult things (using the situation with my professor as her example). Five days later I read the chapter on “knowing your tuning” and that same day I examined the trigger and realize all this stuff about the way I was parented. To say that God was providential in this is an understatement.

This is the first thing, I believe, in my life where I’ve “grieved the loss”. I’ve spent the last seven days crying at the very thought of how hard it was to feel unloved as a child when I screwed up. I’ve grieved the loss of a joyful childhood where I could have felt delighted in by my father and loved unconditionally by my mother. I’ve grieved the loss of what I thought was a great relationship with my parents to one that is full of sugarcoated thoughts because I’ve buried this for so long.

As self-indulgent and whiny as this feels, I don’t care. This is the first time I’ve feel like I’m experiencing life rather than just going through the motions.

The Process of Processing

2009-09-22T20:42:00.000-05:00

This last week and a half has been a trying, stretching and interesting one. A week ago last Friday I gave a sermon on Self-Justification (Galatians 2:17-21 was my text). I had to give a shortened version of that sermon today for another smaller group of women. Last Friday I lead worship for a group of 70 or so women and if anything in the A/V area could have gone wrong, it did. (Plus my guitar broke three days before, so I was using someone else’s). Then today my Administration and Leadership in the Church class had the results of a “Leadership 360” test I asked several people to evaluate me on. Fun.

Those are just the simple, logistical aspects of what I’ve experienced, never mind a dozen other little things like conflict with a logo I designed for a church ministry event, a tough meeting establishing rules for the church newsletter which I design, an major “ethical” decision I had to make regarding said newsletter, and all the church politics that go along with that. Needless to say, I’m feeling a little like I’m on sensory overload when it comes to the grey areas of my life.

Something I don’t take enough time to do in my life is process. When something tough, emotional or otherwise, hits me I usually have two reactions – fight or flight. I retreat when I am not sure about how to deal with a situation. I fight when I’ve had to time to think, understand and evaluate that has happened. Both reactions typically make me appear quite cold-hearted and detached from the world and from people. Sometimes I intend to be that way, most of the time I don’t. Every time it does happen, I have no desire to hurt those around me. But I do, and many times without even being aware of it. And it kills me knowing I’ve hurt someone in the process.

One major area of thought I’m experiencing right now is my identity in ministry. What is my role as the leader? How can I remain objective without appear cold-hearted? How can I love tough people well? How can I be friends with those I lead without being so emotionally involved that I can’t see the dysfunction or sin in their lives? These very large questions are just a couple floating around in my mind as I seek to understand how to lead well within the framework of who I’m already hard-wired to be. I feel as though I’m consistently fighting against what is natural to me (and the RightPath4 and RightPath6 leadership personality test more or less confirmed what I already knew about myself,) I am left wondering what I can do to get rid of these awful, nasty feelings of trying to do what I should vs. doing what comes naturally to me… and how to stop my natural instincts from overtaking in high-stress situations.

With so many thing flying around in my head and my heart, I feel as though I’m struggling to survive, much less think, process and understand everything I need to think, process and understand. (Much less find time.) The three classes I have this semester plus my internship are not tough intellectually, but they require a lot of time to fully understand and apply. That’s killing me right now, and it feels like there is no end in sight. So I’m left just standing in the messiness of my heart, my sin and my life, unable to be objective and probably being too hard on myself. My feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming everything, and any encouragement I get simply makes me feel undeserving. It feels like a loose-loose situation, and I’m drowning in a pool with the heaviest woool sweater I own on my back.

This is part of my processing, I realize. I’m just so completely unsure of what step to take next.

New Post

2009-09-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

I'm still trying to decide if i like wordpress... new post up here.

Complementarianism vs. Egalitarianism

2009-09-10T20:38:00.002-05:00

I’ve been pondering a great deal lately about gender roles and the gifts God gives each of us. This is, in part, due to a conference I was recently able to attend in St. Louis by the CBE (Christians for Biblical Equality), and in part due to a new ministry my church is starting up, called “Men’s Fraternity”.

I know very little about the Men’s Fraternity – only what their marketing department writes for churches to use in advertising the program. There is a lot of talk about the “quest for manhood” and “authentic manhood” and in the most article in the church’s newsletter “masculine spirituality”.

These terms seem strange to me, because I almost feel like it makes men believe two things: 1.) they are currently not man enough and 2.) men have their own version of the gospel/spirituality. This disturbs me a little.

The first one disturbs me because, while I believe all people need to grow, I don’t like the idea of the specific connotation that men should grow in their “manhood”. I’m am constantly trying to figure out how to be the best version of myself I am be, only a very small part of that is compartmentalized by the label “woman”. Most of what I am growing in is becoming more like Christ …(uh, oh. He’s a man. Does that mean I’m becoming more like a man? Maybe I need to start my own Women’s Fraternity and make sure that I don’t become like Jesus too much. I don’t want a beard or anything.)

Do you see the conundrum? One of the most compelling questions posed to me recently on the issue of gender roles was this: the 10th commandment says “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Ex. 20:17, ESV). Then 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.” The question was posed as this: Why is it that we automatically take our 10th commandment, which uses gender specific language, to be gender-neutral, but we don’t do the same in the 1 Timothy passage? The man who posed this question addressed the issue of Hebrew vs. Greek, context, etc, and I found his argument strong. This makes me want to blow off the 10th commandment and let myself off the hook for coveting, because I’m not a man. (Just like the 1 Corinthians passage commanding men to examine themselves before they eat. Guess I’m off the hook for that one, too.)

When we read gender-specific scriptures, most of the time can make the adjustments in our minds that just because the masculine word used is the default, we understand it applies to us females as well. But why stop short on some issues, like leadership? Doesn’t this beg some pretty thought-provoking questions?

Many women on the egalitarian side of the fence say to me, “This isn’t about power. I don’t want to exert “power” over the church in leadership. This is about my gifting and what God has called me to do.” That’s fair, I think – all issues of interpreting a calling correctly aside.

Then there’s the argument: “When Jesus came, he reconciled every issue in the Fall EXCEPT this one?” Also a fair question. A counter to that I recently had to read for a class was this: “Jesus broke a lot of traditions of the time. Why not that one? Why not make a woman part of the 12 disciples?”

The issue of context and culture is a huge one, and became much more real to me in one of my summer classes, where we examined theologies of interpreting scripture such as synchronic vs. diachronic, minimalist vs. the maximalist, etc, … all things most people won’t understand, but would benefit from recognizing in dealing these kinds of issues.

I am thankful my call is not to the pulpit. If it was I would be a very torn woman. I believe in reformed theology, I believe that God created us, we fell, God redeemed us, and we will be glorified one day. I believe it’s wrong to devalue any human being no matter their gender, race, political beliefs or lifestyle. I believe we should reach out to the poor and help heal the sick. I believe I am forgiven of my sins. But I also believe there are women more capable then men and men that are more capable the woman. Why do we insist on assigning roles and labels to these capability issues?

I have a dear complementarian friend who asked me the question, “Why are you assuming roles are bad?” My answer was, “If my role as a woman is labeled as it’s better for me to teach children than to teach an adult Sunday school class, than “assigning me a role” is bad. I don’t have the gift of teaching children. You don’t want to put me there – it will be a disaster. But I do have the gift of teaching. Being told to suppress my gift because of my gender is unacceptable. Especially when a less capable man is doing the teaching.”

I read an article once that claimed that there are more qualified women than men, but that God will provide a qualified man to lead. Maybe so. So then my gift of teaching is to be wasted, then?

So where does that leave us? Truthfully, it leaves me with the oldest question in the book. Why?

There are a lot of rules in the Bible; there are a lot of good things God wants us to do that don’t come naturally to us. And the majority of them have a great reason behind them – like saving yourself for marriage. The reason is that sex is best and most fulfilling when enjoyed with someone you genuinely love and is committed to you. What about the rule of the Sabbath? The reason is that it’s best for us physically and emotionally to recharge. What about that 10th commandment I mentioned earlier? It’s best not to for the sake of our hearts. Yada, yada. You see what I mean.

But the only “answer” I’ve heard to this issue is: “God designed it that way.”

If I am being really honest with myself, that’s not a reason satisfactory to my head or my heart. I’m just not sure it’s an complete answer to the questions surrounding this issue.

A fellow student here at the seminary, when asked what her plans were after she graduated, her actual response was, “Whatever the PCA will let me do.” That truly grieves my heart. The other night I tweeted “I hate being this sad” (I was having a particularly emotional PMS kind of moment, FYI) and I got two lovely replies back, one from a man I don’t know personally, but is friends with the second man. Both are pastors in a denomination in favor of women leaders, would probably label themselves “egalitarian”, and I see in both of them a love and heart for working alongside people who want to further the kingdom of God – no matter their gender. In their replies to me, I felt valued. And I’ve come to realize that isn’t too much to ask for. After all, God values me.

I trust God. I really do. I also trust he’s given me a calling to teach. That’s a calling I’ve ran from for years, and now that I’m in seminary I know more than ever it’s right for me. But part of being here, at this seminary, means two things: 1.) Most “Conservatives” don’t think enough of me because I’m a woman and 2.) Most “Liberals” don’t think enough of me because I’m not called to the pulpit. Neither one of those is fair and to be honest, I’m sick of it. That’s one of the reasons I appreciate that the denomination I’m currently a part of that has “in all things, charity” as part of its motto. (In essentials, unity… in non-essentials, liberty, in all things charity is the whole, by the way. I love it.)

The world is fallen. As a result, all things live in the grey and not the black and white. While my heart longs for the black and white – the easily understood issues and the straight and narrow path – that’s not what I get. I get the confusing and frustrating situations with the rough and rocky path.

There will be more to come on this, I promise. I miss having time to blog.

The Time Traveler's Wife

2009-08-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

Movies that are simply stories… with very little plot and action… can be hit or miss for me. Sometimes I relish the story, loose myself in it and enjoy the experience. Then sometimes I spend the 2 hrs in the theatre wondering when the point of the movie will begin only to find out there wasn’t one.

Whose to tell how one hits the mark and the other doesn’t? My mood? The company I’m with? The environment? I don’t know. It’s simply a puzzle to me.

The Time Traveler’s Wife is a simple story. And when the story is simple, you rely heavily on the depth of the characters and their relationships with each other to draw you in. That somewhat easier to do in a book than it is to do on screen with a limited amount of time. I think that’s what was missing for me in this – the nature of the story meant telling things backwards, which is fine, except that the story is about their relationship. Watching it unfold for one person backwards, while for another it’s already happened is tricky business.

Rachel McAdams is as likable as always, and the two actors that play her daughter are delightful. I’m on the fence for Eric Bana’s performance… I felt Ron Livingston upstaged him as the best friend.

The best part of the movie for me was the soundtrack. Lo’ How A Rose E’er Blooming is the focus of the compositions, and its melody recurs several times throughout the movie without every getting old. (It doesn’t hurt that it’s my favorite Christmas Carol, either, I’m sure.)

I don’t have a ratings system here, but if I did, I would give it two thumbs sideways. The movie was just…. “eh”.

New Post

2009-08-12T12:27:00.001-05:00

I've got a new post up at my new blog.

Complementarianism vs. Egalitarianism

I'm Moving...

2009-08-10T17:55:00.003-05:00

over to wordpress. I feel the need to refocus ... or maybe I'm just getting antsy.

This may be temporary, because I am used to blogger. But in the meantime, you can find me here.

Stockholm Syndrome

2009-07-13T12:13:00.003-05:00

I've had it for almost a week now and I can't stop listening. It's incredible.

Relationships

2009-07-02T00:23:00.004-05:00

I read a book this last semester called The Relational Way : From small group structures to holistic life connections (by M. Scott Boren) for a one week class I had in January. The author talks about how there are four spaces or distances that determine how a person relates to others.

1.) The Public Space of Belonging
2.) The Social Space of Belonging
3.) The Personal Space of Belonging
4.) The Intimate Space of Belonging

Before I talk about these spaces, let me preface it by reminding you that Presbyterians... or maybe just the people around here, are really good at talking about their sin

There is pressure here for everyone to be in my intimate space of belonging. So much of it could be due to the season of life seminary is, but I am not really comfortable with that. As I realized this intimate space of belonging wasn't what was actually bothering me, I started to look at relationships differently.

To define the different spaces...

The public space of belonging is about connecting with a broad movement. (Perhaps something like a Lion's Club at the national level would be an example of this). This type of belonging does not require much participation, simply association with the movement. You may attend a meeting or two, but you do not invest time or money.

The social space of belonging is the next step, by connecting with groups of 70-120 people, called "neighbor relationships". You share small talk and may be willing to do small favors for this group.

The personal space of belonging is defined by groups of 10 or 12. Such groups become close friends, share each others' lives with one another, and they invest personal time and energy to see that the group succeeds.

The intimate space of belonging is the final level. To have two or three people in the space is normal, as it is where you "share 'naked' experience, feelings, and thoughts." (pg 179).

We like to think we have intimacy with a person when we really don't. We want to know about the person, their likes and dislikes, what's going on in their life. We want to know their views on political and theological issues and we maybe even want to know how they are doing from day to day. But is this real intimacy? I don't think so.

Real intimacy comes when your heart is laid bare, with all your glorious ruins out there for someone to see. Then beyond that they help you through what may be a great hurt in your life. They see you cry and scream and hate everyone, and are still there to walk alongside you when it's over. This is what the author calls "refrigerator rights" - the people who can come into your home, go to the fridge and help themselves without asking or worrying you'll be offended. The kind of people who you are willing to let see you without makeup and with your home a mess...

I recently deactivated my facebook account, for a period of about seven weeks (in the middle I came back for a few days, but then deactivated it again). I chose to do this because I was feeling some hard hits on my self-esteem as the community of people around the seminary were consistently talking about how great some of their get-togethers were, get-togethers to which I wasn't invited. (That's just one example... there were other things that bothered me, but they aren't important now) I decided it wasn't worth my self-esteem and gave facebook up. But this weekend I reactivated my account, and deleted nearly everyone of my seminary "friends". (It came to around 60 or so people. Crazy.) Part of it was because of my self-esteem, but tonight I realized a much bigger reason why.

Real relationships with people, especially people who are close to me geographically is becoming more and important to me. Facebook is great for keeping in touch with loved ones far away, but I think we can use it as a replacement friendship with people we are around every day. Instead of calling or visiting someone to find out how their week was, I would just check their facebook page. This made me feel like I had real friendships with people who in all honestly I was merely acquaintances with.

I don't want to have relationships like that. I don't was a social space of belonging, because it's too tempting to stop there. I have to push myself into personal and intimate spaces of belonging. I want people with refrigerator rights, I want people in personal and intimate space of belonging. These are the people who know how tired you are at the end of the day, the people who sit beside you on the couch and hold your hand when there are no words to say, the people who know what you're thinking just by hearing the tone of your voice or the look in your eyes.

God help me be this kind of person, and help me not to resent those who aren't willing to be that for me.

Laughing at God

2009-06-25T07:30:00.001-05:00

Who'd thought Regina Spector would have a hint of reformed faith in her music?

It's funny what affects us...

2009-06-02T08:29:00.004-05:00

What a great way to start my day.

Carlos, over at ragamuffinsoul.com posted last night about leaving his great and wonderful job aa Creative Programming Director at Buckhead Church.

So, I'm going through my reader this morning, see the post and so I head over there to see what the deal is. Per usual, God is doing something awesome, and I won't explain it here 'cuase it's too complicated.

But this exchange in the comments? Was a great way to start my day.

Sire's comment: "Carlos, you are a brave man."

Carlos' reply: "No, Sire. Brave would be staying when God says go."

Great quote...

2009-05-31T21:01:00.001-05:00

"The problem is in the human heart, not in the gifts of God." - Jerram Barrs

Review of Mat Kearney's City of Black and White

2009-05-25T09:31:00.009-05:00

My plan is to write my thoughts as I listen to each song. There seems to be no other way to really justify doing this review for such a long-awaited album (for me, anyway) and from one of my favorite artist, if not my top artist, which is saying a lot for someone like me who listen to way too much music.

I'm rating each song on a scale of 1 - 10. I wish I'd thought to do this at first listen, but maybe it will be better now that I've heard it a few times and can look for the layers. Alas, we shall see what comes out. FYI, I have the deluxe edition, which I pre-ordered two weeks ago, but I think it's still available on itunes.

1. All I Have

This song seems primed for radio play. It's a nice and easy arrangement, very radio-friendly, with his pop vocals in full-effect. Interestingly enough, though, the song seems "happy" but a lot of the lyrics are sad. "Tired of the same song everyone's singing/I'd rather be lost with you instead." While most of the lyrics are typical for him, this style of song is not. I'm on the fence. I like it, I don't love it. But I definitely don't hate it.

Rating: 8

2. Fire and Rain

Hmm... stylistically also very different for him. Also very radio-friendly, but not very much edge, which is what I'm used to. This sounds like a song that would be great on a movie soundtrack, which is not a bad thing at all. But different for him.

Do you ever think about me/Do you ever call my name/Ask me now I'll give you the reasons/My love will not fade/Through the fire and rain

Rating: 8.25

3. Closer To Love

This single was released back in April and I've listened to it many, many times. (It's also my new cell phone ring...) I really love this song. This is the closest to the old (not safe) Mat I've heard so far on the record. It's really beautiful with a touch of edginess.

For all the tears you've cried/You've been way too strong now for all your life/I'm gonna get there soon/You're gonna be there too.

I love the beat in this song, and I love the piano. Gorgeous.
Rating: 9

4. Here We Go

Oh, I really love this song. Really and truly. This man has had his heart broken, and by the same woman, several times. These kind of lyrics aren't born out of anything but heartbreak.

Bitter is the kiss that says goodbye/I can hear it in your voice/I can see it in your eyes...'Cause we've been this low and we've been around this bend/I don't to lose you all over again/We sing/"Oh, love, it's easy if you don't try to please me/If you don't want to see me any more"/We sing out/Oh, oh/Here we go again/I know how I lost a friend

Wow. That's just painful. But there's a lot of truth in it, which is why I love it.

Rating: 9.5

5. Lifeline

My first couple of listens to this song had me unsure of whether I liked it or not. Something about the lyrics seems a bit contrived to me. But, things that are contrived are also usually true. They are just over-done. Mat's first two albums were so unique, especially musically. We aren't getting too much musical innovation here, and the lyrics are a bit over-used, this is still a thoughtful song.

The world is too big to never ask why/The answers don't fall straight out of the sky/I'm fighting to live and feel alive/But I can't feel a thing without you by my side/Send me out a lifeline

Rating: 7.25

6. New York To California

The beginning of this sounds just like "Won't Back Down" from his second album. There is a glimmer of Mat's story-telling here, but it's reeled in a bit.

I don't want to live another day without you/You woke up and said baby I, had one of those dreams again/The rain came down and I lost you in the wind...If you find your self lost out in this world/Then I'll find a way to get back to your side

Again, so sad. There's a touch of hope here, like the relationship might actually be beginning and that's why he will go from New to California for her. A nice song; not a terribly memorable one for me.

Rating: 7.5

7. Runaway Car

This is another song where the music seems happier than what he is trying to say with the lyrics.

Stop this runaway car/Not that gone and we’re not that far/If it left you there then I left it all behind/'Cause all I'm feeling now/Is the weight of the world/bearing down/I don't have answers to any of my questions anymore

This song is really about regret, and it's in a major key instead of a minor, and has happy guitar strumming throughout. I think he's probably trying to convey the feeling of runaway emotions, because the song is about him recognizing a mistake the day after he made it - he made the choice to walk away from someone he loved. I think the song could be a touch better if he'd taken the key down a 1/2 step.

Rating: 7

8. Never Be Ready

This might be the best song on the album. This is a time where the lyrics and the music match quite well - because it's neither a happy or sad song. It's hopeful, which can go either way if we are honest with ourselves.

Come on and lay down these arms /All our best defenses /We're taking our chances here on the run/The fear is an anchor /Time is a stranger/Love isn't borrowed /We aren't promised tomorrow/We'll never be ready if we keep waiting /For the perfect time to come/Hold me steady, we'll never be ready /When we don't know, though we can't see /Just walk on down this road with me /Hold me steady, we'll never be ready

Anyone who's been hurt is afraid of letting down defenses and letting someone really love them understand this song. In a sense, we'll never be ready to take that leap because of how the fear grounds us, preventing us from taking that leap. He's asking her, in the lyrics, to hold him steady (he's acknowledging his own fear) and to know that they'll never feel ready. So they owe it to themselves to just try.

Oh? And the bridge on this one rocks.

Rating: 10

9. Annie

Here's the story of what inspired the song:

"I wrote that on in the back seat of a van headed away from a dirty show in Indianapolis. I had met this girl named Annie who told me a story about how she had to either leave her hometown or get swallowed by it. Leaving is hard when you are misunderstood, especially by your family."

This is a song about courage, and Mat does something really interesting with this. This song could have sounded really sad. He could have made it about being swallowed by the small town. But instead it's as if he wrote the song to give her encouragement to go, to change.

Cause Annie's got to get out/Before she never can/Holding the line from the back of the car/Miles and miles from where you are/Maybe the hardest things are the dreams that we've been given/And you scream and you sing and you shout/There one way in and there's one way out/Help me to find my way back down

Rating: 9

10. Straight Away

Mat tweeted a link to this song a day or two before the album release, so I was able to listen to it several times before the rest of the songs... and I must say, it gets better each time you listen to it. I adore this song. Never Be Ready is really good, but I like this one better. Because these are the kind of lyrics that every girl wants to hear from a man who loves her.

If I was wrong would you show me/Where all that I lost can be found?/Cause you can shoot me straight/straight to the heart/ 'Cause you already have it/ Say what you want to say/We're coming out of the grey/What goes around now/Is coming back down today/You can shoot my straight away

Ratig: 10

11. On And On

This song - the strumming, the mood - sounds a lot like Nothing Left to Loose, which is my favorite song from his second album.

On and on and on we pray/That we can break into a brighter day/Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy/On and on and on we go/I don’t understand this winding road/Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy/And we'll keep on keep on climbing/On down this narrow line/So we can see the other side

What I appreciate about this song so much is how there is a touch of reality in the love story. He loves her, she wants to run, and he's challenging her with some really tough questions. And then he says that he doesn't understand why things get tough, but that he's willing to keep trying. If only we all had attitudes like that...

Rating: 9.5

12. City Of Black & White

I love the entire composition of this song. The structure, the lyrics, the additional of the electric guitar at the end of the chorus... it's so well-done. Really, the structure is near-perfect.

I don't want to wait until tomorrow/To tell you how I'd feel the rest of my life/You don't want a waste another minute to realize/Walking on the dark side of the evening/maybe it is you that opened my eyes/Burning like a fire on the water/The city of black and white

He wrote this song quite a while ago (the earliest I heard about was back in 2007) so that could be the reason for it's great structure. I also love how he plays with colors in the song especially the opening stanza: "This whole city's black and white/Tell me what is your color./Could it be the same as mine?/Faded greens and blue street lights"

Rating: 10

13. Everyone I Know (Bonus Track)

Musically, this is a little different for Mat, opening with just an electric guitar. And it pretty much stays that way the whole time. It's very stripped down.

And I can hardly find the means for all the words I mean to speak/But still this fire inside of me seems too much for me alone to keep/Now the writing’s on the wall for God in Krylon cans/Will you send a prayer for me?/Will you help me to stay?/ Because I know what’s it’s like/'Cause everyone that I know and every place that I go/Every story that I’m told, /It’s love, it’s love, it’s love /That we’re looking for

There's huge sense of longing in his voice here that's heart-breaking. Beautiful.

Rating: 9

14. Here We Go (Acoustic Version, Bonus Track)

The opening of this is super slow, not at all like the plugged-in version. But once he hits the chorus, the temp picks up and the guitar comes in. I like that he did it this way. I can only hope when Mat comes to St. Louis in July that it will be an unplugged concert, because he's really at his best this way. Especially with this song.

Rating: 10

15. All I Have (Acoustic Version Bonus Track)

A video came with this for the deluxe version, which is fun to have. Mat actually tunes his guitar at the beginning... and they use a steel guitar in this, which sounds great.

This isn't a good as his acoustic version of Here We Go, but it's still nice. Part of it is that I just like Here We Go better.

Rating: 8

All in all, I really love this album. I miss some of Mat's great story-telling, and I miss the textures to his music (the hip-hop urban beats). There are some beautiful layers to his song craftsmanship overall - with music and lyrics playing well off of each other. Mat's voice in undeniable, and his lyrics are still beautiful and thoughtful. He had a lot to live up to, and since this was three years in the making, my hopes were pretty high.

The best description I've heard of Mat's voice is this: "He could sing about pipe bombs and exploding cars and there'd still be a placidity and warmness to his tone that would soothe and soften." (Gregory Robson, from absolutepunk.net) For me? Mat's voice just feels like home.

This album is worth getting. I suspect, that just like his last album, it will help me write my own story, and the songs in it will remind me of what I'll experience in the next year. His music has a history of doing that for me.

Women in the Church

2009-05-23T14:53:00.005-05:00

N.T. Wright is a highly regarding theologian in the PCA/EPC circle in which I now run. As many times, since I've been in St. Louis, that I've heard arguments against women leading in the church, I was shocked to find Wright's position on this considering his fame in such a traditional circle.

Wright has connections to the Anglican church, a denomination known for it's liberal stance on several main issues including pacifism, view of scripture, etc. (J.I. Packer left the Anglican church, FYI, just last year). I realize within every denomination there is typical a far left and a far right. But knowing the regard people around here have for Wright, I am curious as to what they would say about this video.

Because it kinda makes me want to stand up and cheer.

You know what I love about....

2009-05-20T22:13:00.002-05:00

living in a big city?

Is seeing previews for movies like this and knowing I get to see them the weekend they open. Yea!

I've been waiting for this day...

2009-05-19T11:06:00.007-05:00

for a very, very long time.

More after I've had a full listen!!!

Top Ten Things I Love About House

2009-05-12T10:52:00.004-05:00

10.This episode. Broke my heart.

9. His T-Shirt collection (mostly vintage, and somehow they all seem to do with death..)

8. The completely unrealistic medical traumas (one of my small group members is a doctor and he told me that none of the stuff they talk about on the show is even possible. awesome.)

7. House's musical ability

6. The stuff that makes me laugh.

5. The opening credits. I LOVE that song.

4. Jesse Spencer's accent

3. The Wilson/House dysfunctional friendship

2. Hugh Laurie's scruffy beard

1. His cell phone ring is Mmmm Bop by Hanson. That is, simply, the greatest thing ever.

Initiating

2009-05-09T19:39:00.005-05:00

I've discovered something about myself recently that feels insurmountable.

I've been taking a class on Wednesday nights at my church on the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. As we finished up the book as a class, the last time we spent together was looking at confronting those who've hurt us and forgiving those who've hurt us. The further we delved into the material, and the deeper our discussion become, I realized why I've become a peace-faker instead of a peace-maker: I'm afraid of initiating in relationships.

I have on idea when this started, but one of my first thoughts is to blame it on Elizabeth Elliot. She was all the rage when I was in college, and I had the chance to hear her in a debate at the Urbana Missions conference regarding a woman's place in the church/mission field. She has very traditional views on a woman's place anywhere - in fact, she actually said during the debate that should would not speak in church unless she was with her husband. Yikes.

I read Quest for Love several years ago (I refused to read Passion and Purity out of principle), though Quest for Love was not much different, if what I heard about P & P was correct. One principle Elliot lives by is that a woman should never initiate relationships with men. If they are interested, they will pursue you. Makes sense, I guess. The problem is, I think I let myself believe that about everyone. Because now I don't even initiate friendships.

I was talking about my realization with my women's small group that meets on Mondays, and my dear friend Sue caught me afterwards and asked how she could help. once I talked with her about it, ever the goal-setter, she advised me to try "one a day". Make one initiation a day, just help me get over this hump.

And then, a wave of situations arise in my life this week where I am rejected (passively, as far as I know, unless there are a lot of people in my life who just don't want to be around me.) That does not help.

I don't usually write a post unless I feel some closure on an issue. But I am at a loss right now, because I am in the midst of finals, figuring out my summer schedule, and am feeling unable to flesh this out, find the root and climb over the mountain. I'm aware of it now, so that's something. But that's not much after the week I've had.

I’m taking a ride off to one side
It is a personal thing.
Where?
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting.
I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.

Stop before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here,
Rest even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing
(Just to sound confused)
Don’t talk about everyone,
I am not amused by you.

I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you, I’m gonna lose you,
Yeah I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you
I’ll lose you now for good

Lectio Divina

2009-05-07T11:41:00.005-05:00

Lectio Divina (praying through scripture) isn’t something I practice a lot. I first tried it last fall, as part of a book I read for my youth ministry class: Contemplative Youth Ministry (highly recommended, by the way.) I taught last week and will teach tomorrow the “Prayer of the Heart” lesson from Gospel Transformation at my church, so the practice of it came back into my life. So this is what happened….

I got comfortable, squished pillows all around me so they were just right. I opened up my bible to Matthew (we were to pray through The Lord’s Prayer) and put it in my lap. I focused on clearing my mind, quieting my heart.

Clearing my mind took FOREVER. I keep thinking of all the stuff I had to do. (I have a running list in my head) I thought about encounters I had with people throughout the week, good and bad. I thought about my family, classes, church, just stuff. And about 7 or 8 times, while trying to clear my mind, I had to jolt myself out of these thoughts and remind myself of what I was doing trying to do. I think at one point I actually said to myself “I’m trying to be contemplative. Can’t you just do that for one little bit, Stephanie?” Yeah, there’s some irony there.

So… once my mind cleared? I promptly fell asleep. I admit it.

The business of our days, the reality we live in, where a hundred things need to get done and another hundred things are required of us, never mind the emotional, relational stuff we have to deal with, keeps us in motion. I was so in motion that when I finally cleared my mind and quieted my heart to pray, I fell asleep. I am used to being consistently in motion. This requires more being, rather than doing. Lectio Divina is contrary to all of that. And frankly, it was hard for me.

Actually, if I’m being really honest with you and myself, just prayer in general is hard for me. It is not a discipline that comes naturally to me at all. (I guess that’s why it’s called a discipline, right?) I’ve always felt lesser for it, always wondered what was wrong with me that everyone else around me seemed to have this whole prayer thing figured out. I’ve reflected a lot this week about why prayer has always been hard for me. And I’ve realized it lies in one of my biggest idols: the idol of perfection.

Not only do I want my prayers to be perfect, but also I don’t want to admit to myself that I’m not. We all know we’re not perfect, but I have also come to realize that I still think I’m better than the next person. And if I pray from my heart for all of the things I desire and all of the things I lack, the more that idol of perfection rears it’s ugly head. I’m revealing the desires and the sin to myself just as much as I’m admitting it to God. The difference is that God already knew about all that stuff, whereas I just pushed it down further into the corners of my mind and probably hadn’t admitted it yet.

Hannah was a woman who wanted a son, but God’s hadn’t granted her one. Her husband’s other wife was able to bore children, and Hannah went to the house of Lord, the other wife provoked her until she wept – because she had children and Hannah didn’t.

1 Samuel 1:12-16
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." 15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

We all have things we pray for desperately. Just like Hannah wept bitterly and laid-bare her deepest most intimate thoughts and desire to God, we have issues and people and sin that press on our hearts. Sometimes these things blind us, sometimes they hurt us, but nonetheless, they are ever-present. These issues cause us to cry out to God, sometimes in desperation. God knew of Hannah’s heart desire for a son – just like God knows our desires.

But what does it look like and feel like to lay that bare before God? How is it to be honest and admit our pain and anguish like Hannah did? It was in this question that I discovered the reason for my personal struggle with prayer – that idol of perfection.

I find myself so worried that the blackness of my own heart will be so exposed… and while I know in my mind God already sees that blackness, I’m more afraid of what that exposure means to me. I’m afraid of looking at my own sin, of staring it straight in the eye, of being honest and intimate with myself. Because when I am, I’m overwhelmed with just how wretched I am.

But this is what I think prayer of the heart actually looks like.

It looks like undignified, unadulterated laid-bare realizations and acceptance of just how far away we are from knowing and understanding the holiness of God. It’s in that facedown position, with no inhibitions, that we can respond to God in the way he wants us to. It’s the raw act of admission and submission before a God who deserves no less. Henri Nouwen describes it this way: “ To pray is to descend with the mind into the heart, and there stand before the face of the Lord, ever-present, all seeing, within you.” Hannah was honest before God, and she admitted her misery. She laid-bare her heart.

Sometimes, in our own misery, we can loose our words. We can be so hurt and broken that words escape us. And that’s okay. We don’t always have to talk. And that’s what I truly appreciate about Lectio Divina - how it emphasizes something that we don’t always understand about prayer: that it’s important for us to listen as well as talk. God’s word is such a beautiful and wonderful gift he’s given us. It’s how he communicates with us, to help us understand who he is. By being silent, quieting our heart (and trying not falling asleep) and letting God guide our hearts, you are allowing him to take over.

Lectio Divina helps us let go of our own agenda, and submit to what God is trying to show us. I’m not saying that it’s the only way or the best way to pray. It’s not. This kind of prayer can help us practice how to simply be with Jesus – and that time of focusing on him is transforming. This is a way of being with God that does not depend on us giving Him information, but about us resting and waiting. It is not fancy, nor is it particularly “righteous”. But God can use it to help us set aside our agenda, and center our hearts on His agenda. We are depending on him to initiate communication, instead of depending on the sound of our own voice and formation of our own words.

Bryan Chapell says (the president of my seminary, shameless plug...), in his book Praying Backwards, “Our prayers do not have to be long or formal to be acceptable and powerful. God certainly honors thoughtful, reverent prayer, but he also hears the anguish of our heart when we can voice no plea more articulate than calling his name.” Like Hannah, who wept in bitterness in anguish and grief, we can come to God as we are, and not be afraid to reveal our own desires and our own sin to him or to ourselves. No matter how ugly it is. We shouldn’t be afraid to be ugly or undignified before him in prayer, because there is redemption for that ugliness. Jesus’ blood covers that ugliness, he redeems our sin and he redeems our prayers.

Idolatry

2009-04-30T10:02:00.006-05:00

(Okay... first I must say, about this image to the left. The Golden Calf in cereal? Awesome.)

I'm just finishing up a class on the book of Joshua, which has been a wonderful and fruitful experience this semester. (I was actually nostalgic last night when I finished up David M. Howard's commentary last night... my roommates thought I was a little nuts).

There are so many things I've taken away from the book, but one thing my professor said this morning will stay with me, especially in light of the bible study I've been doing since August with some of the women in my church. He said, "We make our idolatry so minimal."

World Harvest Mission wrote a study called Gospel Transformation, and in it there is one main lesson on identifying your idols (there are subsequent lessons to follow as well). That idol lesson is brought up almost every week when we meet; it has had such a profound impact on all of us. Then my professor's words this morning... just so much for me to ponder and process.

There is an idol behind every one of our sins. As someone who loves to name things, understanding the idols behind my sin is invaluable to helping me understanding not only what is behind my sin, but even why I am sinning. (Which I have an upcoming post about). Understanding why I sin gets at the root of the issue. It goes beyond the external and helps me understand the why and not just the how.

It's one thing to work on never committing the sin again, it's yet another to have your heart changed so the option of committing the sin again is just... gone from your sights. You just don't want to do it anymore, because the thought grieves your heart. The external part of sinning is only half of the sin, because even though you've stopped the act of the sin, it's another step to change how you feel about the sin inside. As I figured this out, I've realized this is where the "transformation" part of the curriculum title comes in. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I make too little of my idols. I understand that so much more now in light of the two-fold nature of my sin. The fact that an idol lies behind everyone of my sins means I simply cannot make too little of my idolatry. It is ever-present - the root and cause of my sin. That's a pretty big deal. It's funny to think about making your idols a big deal (there's some irony in that) but to minimize the impact they have on my life (to borrow a phrase from my pastor) is perilous to the soul.

I've been privileged to help lead worship at Central Presbyterian Church's new site church in Chesterfield. Last week we did this song. Here are some of the lyrics:

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord

I've had this album for two years. But the words to this song have never meant as much to me as they do now.

Messed Up

2009-04-24T09:40:00.002-05:00

I've had the privilege to intern under, for the last year, a woman who defines the term "living in grace". Each week when she speaks to the women of the church I am in awe, not only of how she relates to them, but of how God uses her in so many areas of her life.

She's not afraid to admit she's messed up. She's not afraid to speak of her own sin and her own idols. She is grieved by them, her heart breaks for them. But she reminds us that Christ is bigger than them. And the women respond in ways I've never experienced. I see her speak into their lives and have watched how they have changed over the last few months. They relate to her struggles - they understand them, and they peel away the layers of their own sin to work and process together.

It's an amazing thing to see.

It's finally looking like Spring in St. Louis. The days are getting warmer (finally up to 80 degrees today) and as I walk from my street parking to the church or around campus on my way to class, I'm seeing flowers peek up everywhere. They are in every color God dreamed up. They are tiny and new; they are reborn in this Springtime.

In the same way, I am watching that happen at my church. I'm watching seeds that were planted years ago grow and bloom. I'm watching these people transform. I'm watching how God uses everything to change a person's life - whether it's messed up a lot or just a little.

There's something to be said for a leader who isn't afraid for their own weaknesses. And now that I've seen it in action, I'm not sure how else you can lead well in ministry. I thought, when I was in ministry before, I had to lead without mistakes and weaknesses. I thought it was the only way to lead well. I am now realizing it's only when we are broken can we help others accept their own brokenness and walk alongside them as God heals them.

Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.

Deliberate Sin

2009-04-12T15:42:00.007-05:00

My pastor's been preaching a series on the fathers of the faith (the ones in Scripture, not the ones I hear all too often about here at seminary re: all the John's - Bunyan, Calvin, Owen, Edwards...) A few weeks ago he preached on King Solomon and something he said is still with me, and will be with me for a very long time. (If not the rest of my life.)

Dan (my pastor) was talking with a friend who asked if all sins are forgiven. He was asking about a specific sin (in this case, it was adultery) and was wondering just how much he could 'get away with' so to speak. My pastor's response was this: "Deliberate sin is perilous to the soul."

Now that's something to pause on.

My sin, deliberate or not, will always be forgiven. This is what I say to myself when I am at the crossroads of temptation. I haven't sinned yet, but it's right there, tempting me. The choice is before me and I know that I want to do the thing which leads to the sin. And I feel, in some dark corner of my heart, this forgiveness is what allows me to sin. But allow isn't even the right word, really. It's more like "makes it acceptable in my own mind." God's forgiveness of my deliberate sin doesn't allow anything. It just makes me know that I won't be held accountable.

Ah, here is where the rubber meets the road for me. Not living a life of grace (I'll get to that in a minute) means I am living a life of "sin = punishment". But there is no eternal punishment for me. And if there are present consequences, I don't see much of them. (There are some obvious consequences for more external sin, but I am referring to the sins that really only affect my own soul. The ones that are so easy to hide...) So basically, I am free to do as I like.

Obviously, this is putting the emphasis in the wrong place.

What this does mean - what this leads me to - is something I've known all my life. That my choice to sin or not can only be made with one thing in mind (from which all things flow): Is this what God deserves? (No) Is this honoring to him? (No) Do I love him above my own sin? (...probably not) If I did love him more than my sin, would I always choose him over it?

The answer to the last question feels like it should be "yes". But it's not, for one, it doesn't taken into account the Fall.

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve could choose to sin or not sin. After the Fall, we became so broken that our hearts would always choose sin over obedience. And as this last weekend (Easter) reminded us, I am now free to resist that sin.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law,weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us,who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1-4 (ESV)

Because of what Christ did, I no longer have the same relationship with sin I once did. As a disciple of Christ, I am no longer captive to sin. But sin is still very present in my heart and in the world around me. It will be until my death or the Lord's return. The sin and the flesh are constantly fighting the Spirit; this is an effect of the Fall, and an effect of Christ's death on the cross at the same time. The Fall broke me, Jesus reconciled me. But sin didn't disappear, nor did the temptation to sin disappear. God just made it so I could fight off the desire to sin with the help of the Spirit.

My old self could not help but sin. My new self has a choice in the matter. But my new self is still broken, and is being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). But it is not fully renewed. (Side note: one of my professors - Dr. Agan - calls our hearts' "wanters" and often says in class "Our wanter is broken. It just wants the wrong things.")

As I drove to church this evening, and pondered this whole issue and tried to figure out exactly where it was I was hung up - what the flaw in my argument, if you will, was - I figured it out just as I was taking my seat. The issue is that I want my sin to have an element of "I just can't help it". I want an out. And just as I want my sin to have that much power over me, I also must keep into perspective that my love for Christ is not as powerful as I want it to be. Because none of this is about my ability to do anything. It's about my inability to do anything.

This is why deliberate sin is perilous to my soul. Because it lands me in a place of "The devil made me do it." Instead of a place that says "Jesus can overcome it." So the second reason why I will not always choose Jesus over sin is because I can't.

So we have a bit of a conundrum, just like much of the Christian life. The "already/not yet" the "sinner/saint" the "God's sovereignty/our responsibility", the "faith/works"- all these antimonies (unresolvable tensions) exist in the Christian faith. This is not what is perilous to my soul. What is perilous to my soul is deliberately choosing to sin when Jesus gives me the power not to. It's choosing to be the sinner when I can be the saint.

Sunday's Here

2009-04-12T13:01:00.002-05:00

The resurrection is not an event, it is a person.

He is risen.

He is risen indeed.

Disequilibration

2009-04-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

Something is not right in my spirit right now. I don't know what that means, exactly, but I feel it in my gut. And I need to process.

What is disequilibrating to me, in my life, right now? My professor spoke about disequilibration in class a while ago, how Jesus used it to teach, how we much use it to teach. People tend to make the most progress when something doesn't makes sense, he said, because in it community is created.

Leaving community out of it for right now, let's focus on what kinds of affects disequilibration has on your life. For someone like me, it doesn't go over well, especially at first. I like being comfortable. I like safety. I do okay with change... as long as I know there is comfort right around the corner.

And I am learning that in order to follow Jesus I am never going to be comfortable again. And I just don't think I will be able to handle that.

I don't think I really know what is going on here. Actually, no. I do know what is going on here. It just might take me a while to write it out. The problem is my unwillingness to spend some serious time in repentance.

I am so tired of worrying about doing the right thing all the time.

I am so tired of people's opinion of me dictating my self-worth.

It is only through a "shocking" disequilibrating experience that the things you've struggled with for years to get to the point where you can't take them anymore. It is only in the unrest that we move forward. It is only in the breaking of our hearts and the noise over-taking our minds that change becomes evident.

After what I've been through in the last 5 weeks, it will be interesting to see what progresses from here.

PS22 Chorus VIVA LA VIDA by Coldplay

2009-02-21T08:23:00.002-06:00

I wanna be their music teacher.

HT: Kansas Bob

Elsewhere

2009-01-28T09:14:00.002-06:00

Elsewhere in blogland: Tony at don't call me veronica has an interesting post titled "stuff pastors don't talk about". I found his respond to Women's role in the church and home particularly short and sweet:

"A woman's role in church and home is to love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength - and second, to love their neighbor as they love themselves.

Oddly enough, this is the same role a man is to have.

Wouldn't it be great if we lived that out? And as we did, wouldn't we find that we were complementing each other in such a way that we felt like an equal, not because we were the same but because the two had become "one flesh?"

Hmm...

Perhaps complementarianism and egalitarianism aren't competing ideas after all."

Commenting Policy

2009-01-22T11:41:00.006-06:00

Sorry, everyone. Due to an unfortunate comment situation that happened yesterday, where some derogatory, inappropriate and very un-Christlike comments were made, I have now disabled anonymous comments, and enabled comment moderation.

Not a big deal for most of you wonderful people who read this faithfully. For me, however... well, but I just never wanted to go there. I hoped to create a place where differing views from mine or others are welcomed and not an exercise is tearing one another down unnecessarily, without moderation or needing an account. I've been blogging for over 3 years now and have never had a situation where I felt this was needed. But when someone attacks the character of a person they don't know, that is unacceptable to me.

All that said, I am taking a adapting a commenting policy from Shane over at Caffeinated Thoughts: Thanks, Shane.

-It is perfectly okay to disagree with me,and that isn't why I deleted the comments I did - though he/she might think that's why I did it. I expect and sometimes even hope for some to disagree with me. What I also expect (and demand, at this point) is that we disagree in an agreeable manner. I will not tolerate personal attacks on myself or others who comment (name calling and other offensive remarks). Let’s keep to the issue or post at hand. Name-calling is immature and does no one any good, and does not help build up the body of Christ.

- This hasn’t been a problem, but I thought I would include it - no vulgar language (profanity, sexist or racist remarks, etc.) will be permitted. You are free to use it, but as the blog owner I’m free to delete your comment.

- Please don’t comment numerous times when nobody is responding to you. Let’s call this for what it is - spam. I understand a couple of comments in a row if you forget to include something, have a typo, etc. But commenting 4,5, 6 times or more (in a row, without a response) is excessive. I will try to respond to comments as quickly as I can, but I am not a full-time blogger. I am full-time seminary student with a part-time job. My life is not here online.

I view blogging as journaling for me. I don't have a political agenda, or a desire to tear other views down. What does happen often here is my emotional response to what is happening in the world. (I cheered today when I found out Ms. Kennedy took her name of the list for the New York Senate seat, but that's neither here nor there.) I am often saddened by the state of the nation (see my post on Blog Action Day). I am often sadden by the state of my own heart (see my "I'm That Girl" post). And I often grapple with very difficult questions. (See my post on expectations, which was the most popular post here based on google search hits of 2008.) And I also ask difficult questions (see my post on infliction) and really hope we can have a conversation about it.

All that said... here's to hoping this won't happen again.

Why I'm Happy, Why I'm Not Satisfied

2009-01-20T16:46:00.002-06:00

Nice.

HT: Landon

So We Do Not Lose Heart

2009-01-14T09:26:00.005-06:00

My friends the Browns are in Africa with AIM. Andy works with On Field Media and here is there most recent project, a short film about the need for theological education in this war-torn country.

I'm so proud I can hardly stand it. Andy is so good at what he does, and he captured the heart of the Rwandan people in a very moving way. (Oh, and the cinematography isn't too bad either.)

A Fragrance

2008-12-29T17:40:00.000-06:00

Everyone has their own fragrance

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1

We had a bridal shower for one of my roommates last month. One of the things we did in lieu of cheesy bridal shower games (Megan hates them, and she is, after all, the bride!) was write a note of encouragement or prayer to her. We all shared ours, then rolled them up to put into a wine bottle, for her to keep.

As I was contemplating what to write to this woman I've only known for a couple of months, I was drawn to this verse in Ephesians. Not just because Megan is an imitator of Christ, but be because of what it's like to be in her presence. She is the epitome of what it means to have a breath of fresh air comes into the room. And I started wondering if everyone has their own fragrance. Not in an actual way... in more of a metaphorical way.

Maybe your best friend reminds you of that perfect smell right before it's about to rain. Mine does. Rain is my favorite weather phenomenon; Lindsey is just my favorite phenomenon. (If you ever get the chance to meet her, you'll understand what I mean.)

My dad's actual smell is nothing... he doesn't wear cologne or aftershave. But when I'm with him, there is a fragrance of oil and dirt - two things that are representative of how he spent his life. The dirt he toiled for years and years farming the land to grow corn to feed cattle and soybeans to feed America. The oil represents his passion later in life, after his strokes and his retirement - restoring classic cars and tractors.

With mom, I smell cinnamon. She loves that flavor of gum and the smell of nearly every candle in her house has this scent. But I smell cinnamon in her presence because she is spicy, unexpected and has that certain "je ne sais qua". Often, when you are tasting a lovely baked treat and can't quite figure out why it tastes so good, it's because it has cinnamon in it. My mom is the same way.

With my cousin Meredith, I smell lilies. Soft and fragrant but not too strong in scent, a lily is the most surprising of flowers to me. Just like there are over 100 species of lilies, there are many aspects to Meredith (may more than 100). Each time you talk with her or read her blog, you cannot help but be surprised. She grows in Christ like a lily blooms, up and out and isn't afraid to share that with the world. I believe lilies are the most beautiful of flowers, just as Meredith is a most beautiful and wonderful woman of God.

Just think about fragrance next time you are in the presence of a loved one. You won't see them the same again.

Soggy Bottom Boys and Gwen Stefani

2008-12-28T15:22:00.003-06:00

Gwen Stefani and John Turturro in the same video. Did I just see some pigs fly past the window?

In the Bleak Mid-Winter

2008-12-21T14:02:00.001-06:00

My favorite Christmas song...

In the bleak mid-winter, the frosty wind did moan
The earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone

Snow had fallen softly, snow on snow on snow
In the bleak mid-winter, oh so long ago
Our God, heaven cannot hold Him nor the earth sustain
Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign

In the bleak mid-winter a stable place sufficed
For the Lord almighty, Jesus Christ

Oh what can I give Him, woeful as I am
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb
If I were a wiseman, oh I would do my part
Yet, what can I give Him -- I will give my heart
Oh what can I give Him -- I will give my heart

Anytime good poetry (thanks, Ms. Rossetti) is set to music as haunting as this, it's a winner in my book.